Popular television personality Bert was found dead today in the house she shared with his good friend Ernie.  Police have arrested Ernie and charged him with homicide.

From a distance the Bert and Ernie story seemed like a rare Hollywood success story:  A stable, long-term relationship.  But upon closer inspection a seedy underside came into focus.

“Ernie was a wild child” said a friend who knew them both.

And he was never going to be satisfied with just one muppet lover.  Bert didn’t like this.  But he tolerated it because he didn’t want to lose Ernie.

The situation between the two grew worse over the years.  Ernie had developed an addiction to the seedy underbelly of muppet culture. Specifically he had developed a sexual fetish for cartoon characters.

“He had some sort of master/slave thing going on with Foghorn Leghorn” said Barnyard Dawg, a professional associate of Leghorn.

I mean I would see Foghorn limp into the office on Monday morning with fresh welts all over his body.  I asked him what happened and he would just light a cigarette and say “Why don’t you mind your own business!”  But I knew Ernie had roughed him up pretty badly.  

Ernie also was prone to violent episodes.

“He used to beat Bert up” according to a close friend.

I asked him why he put up with it.  Why didn’t he just leave?  He was a smart, handsome, successful muppet.  Surely he could have done better?  Surely he could have met someone who would treat him with the respect he deserved?  Bert would just sigh and say, “You don’t understand.  Ernie has his good side too.”  And then he would cry.

Ernie had recently been diagnosed as HIV positive, prompting Bert to ask him to stop sharing their bed and move into the guest bedroom.  Enraged, Ernie’s violent behavior became worse.  Police dispatchers began to log frequent domestic violence disputes at their residence.

“We showed up once” said an L.A. policeman “and Ernie was holding a knife and shouting, ‘You don’t f*cking throw me out of our bed!’ “

We calmed down Ernie and then asked Bert if he wanted to press charges.  Bert refused and in fact begged us not to arrest Ernie.  He said it was simply a misunderstanding and that it was all his fault.  So we left.  We knew eventually Bert would end up dead but what could we do?

The end finally came one evening during an argument over dinner. Bert, distressed that Ernie had once again not come home until morning, reached his breaking point and informed him that he was ending their relationship.  It was at this point that Ernie repeatedly stabbed him in the throat and back.  Ernie then drove himself to the nearest precinct and tearfully turned himself in.

He is currently under a suicide watch.

Sesame Street has cancelled production for a week out of respect for Bert’s memory.

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