My Exclusive Interview with Juan Williams

 It was the best of times it was the worst of times

As a responsible journalist pay me to lie for you I often get a chance to talk with my fellow journalists about important issues of the day.  And so in that spirit I am pleased to introduce to my readers Fox news contributor Juan Williams.

MI:  Juan, it is a pleasure to have you here.

JW:  First off punk call me Mr. Williams.  And where is “here”, exactly?

MI:  Why in the pages of my blog.

JW:  Oh.  You’re just a blogger?  You’re just a blogger?

MI:  I like to think that blogging, and the new technology of the internet, has helped in the transmission of ideas and knowledge.

JW:  You disgust me you blogging pig.  You’re not even worthy to hold my bathwater.  I’m Juan Williams. Serious journalist.

MI:  Okay.  If you want to go down that road.  Let’s talk about your past.  You supported Clarence Thomas against Anita Hill.

JW:  It was a high-tech lynching.  That’s why I supported him.

MI:  I see.  So it was just a coincidence that at the time you supported him several female employees of the Washington Post filed sexual harassment charges against you?

JW:  [Pause]  The Republicans have declared war on women.

MI:  So there was nothing to their charges?

JW:  Some of my verbal conduct was wrong.  I now know that.  But in my defense I like big butts I cannot lie.

MI:  Moving along.  Let’s talk about your most recent controversy.  You have been accused of plagiarism. Specifically you took almost word for word a report from the Center for American Progress and put it into one of your columns.

JW:  Okay, okay.  That is just false.  False information that Republicans, white Republicans, have given out. 

MI:  So what is your explanation?

JW:  It is the fault of my researcher, a young man.  He took the information from the CAP and put it into my column without my knowledge.

MI:  Wait. So you admit your don’t even write your columns?

JW:  It’s standard practice with serious journalists. We never write our columns.  

MI:  Really?  I write everything in my blog.

JW:  Well, I suppose writing is okay for lowly bloggers such as yourself.  But I’m a serious journalist.  Writing is beneath me.

MI:  Wow.  I didn’t realize that. 

JW:  That’s because you are a lowly blogger.

MI: Yes, you already said that.  So what’s next for Juan Williams, serious journalist?

JW:  I’m writing a book.

MI:  You’re writing a book?

JW:  I’m sorry.  I meant my assistant, a young man, is writing it for me.  Because I don’t write.  I’m a serious journalist not like you, a  – 

MI:  Yes, yes, I know.  A lowly blogger.  Tell me about the book.

JW:  Well I don’t know much about it since as I said I’m not writing it.  My assistant, a young man, is writing it for me.  But apparently it’s about this man named Captain Ahab and his search for a white whale.

MI:  You just described the classic novel by Herman Melville called “Moby Dick.” 

JW:  Classic novel?  I wouldn’t know.  I’ve never heard of it. I’m a serious journalist.  As I said, my assistant, a young man, is writing it for me.  

MI: So what’s next for you?

JW:  I’m traveling to Gettysburg Pennsylvania to deliver a speech.  I call it the “Gettysburg Address.”   Would you like to hear it?  Four score and – 

MI:  Seven years ago.  Yes.  We’ve all heard it.  Are you kidding?  That’s Lincoln’s speech.  It’s a classic.  He delivered it in 1863. You’re plagiarizing again.

JW:  Really?  So you’re saying it’s been done before?  I wouldn’t know.  I didn’t actually write the speech.  My assistant, a young man, wrote it for me.

MI:  Right.  Well that about wraps up this interview.

JW:  You should ditch the blog. Become a serious journalist like me.  I’ll introduce you to Lena Dunham.  You know she’s got junk in the trunk.

MI:  Did you write that yourself?

JW:  No.  My assistant, a young man, did.  

MI:  Right.

JW:  I like big butts.  I cannot lie.  Did you know the Republicans, a party of white men, have declared war on women?

MI:  I’m out of here.  I have to write a post for my blog.

JW: You are so beneath me.

And so I left Juan Williams because, unlike Mr. Williams, I am not a serious journalist.  I sometimes have to write my own material.


2 Responses

  1. Plagiarism is a leftist art form.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Hmm…..where have I heard that before?

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