As a responsible journalist pay me to lie for you I often get a chance to talk with my fellow journalists about important issues of the day. And so in that spirit I am pleased to introduce to my readers Fox news contributor Juan Williams.
MI: Juan, it is a pleasure to have you here.
JW: First off punk call me Mr. Williams. And where is “here”, exactly?
MI: Why in the pages of my blog.
JW: Oh. You’re just a blogger? You’re just a blogger?
MI: I like to think that blogging, and the new technology of the internet, has helped in the transmission of ideas and knowledge.
JW: You disgust me you blogging pig. You’re not even worthy to hold my bathwater. I’m Juan Williams. Serious journalist.
MI: Okay. If you want to go down that road. Let’s talk about your past. You supported Clarence Thomas against Anita Hill.
JW: It was a high-tech lynching. That’s why I supported him.
MI: I see. So it was just a coincidence that at the time you supported him several female employees of the Washington Post filed sexual harassment charges against you?
JW: [Pause] The Republicans have declared war on women.
MI: So there was nothing to their charges?
JW: Some of my verbal conduct was wrong. I now know that. But in my defense I like big butts I cannot lie.
MI: Moving along. Let’s talk about your most recent controversy. You have been accused of plagiarism. Specifically you took almost word for word a report from the Center for American Progress and put it into one of your columns.
JW: Okay, okay. That is just false. False information that Republicans, white Republicans, have given out.
MI: So what is your explanation?
JW: It is the fault of my researcher, a young man. He took the information from the CAP and put it into my column without my knowledge.
MI: Wait. So you admit your don’t even write your columns?
JW: It’s standard practice with serious journalists. We never write our columns.
MI: Really? I write everything in my blog.
JW: Well, I suppose writing is okay for lowly bloggers such as yourself. But I’m a serious journalist. Writing is beneath me.
MI: Wow. I didn’t realize that.
JW: That’s because you are a lowly blogger.
MI: Yes, you already said that. So what’s next for Juan Williams, serious journalist?
JW: I’m writing a book.
MI: You’re writing a book?
JW: I’m sorry. I meant my assistant, a young man, is writing it for me. Because I don’t write. I’m a serious journalist not like you, a –
MI: Yes, yes, I know. A lowly blogger. Tell me about the book.
JW: Well I don’t know much about it since as I said I’m not writing it. My assistant, a young man, is writing it for me. But apparently it’s about this man named Captain Ahab and his search for a white whale.
MI: You just described the classic novel by Herman Melville called “Moby Dick.”
JW: Classic novel? I wouldn’t know. I’ve never heard of it. I’m a serious journalist. As I said, my assistant, a young man, is writing it for me.
MI: So what’s next for you?
JW: I’m traveling to Gettysburg Pennsylvania to deliver a speech. I call it the “Gettysburg Address.” Would you like to hear it? Four score and –
MI: Seven years ago. Yes. We’ve all heard it. Are you kidding? That’s Lincoln’s speech. It’s a classic. He delivered it in 1863. You’re plagiarizing again.
JW: Really? So you’re saying it’s been done before? I wouldn’t know. I didn’t actually write the speech. My assistant, a young man, wrote it for me.
MI: Right. Well that about wraps up this interview.
JW: You should ditch the blog. Become a serious journalist like me. I’ll introduce you to Lena Dunham. You know she’s got junk in the trunk.
MI: Did you write that yourself?
JW: No. My assistant, a young man, did.
MI: Right.
JW: I like big butts. I cannot lie. Did you know the Republicans, a party of white men, have declared war on women?
MI: I’m out of here. I have to write a post for my blog.
JW: You are so beneath me.
And so I left Juan Williams because, unlike Mr. Williams, I am not a serious journalist. I sometimes have to write my own material.
(694)
Plagiarism is a leftist art form.
Jim: Hmm…..where have I heard that before?