The baby made famous in the the E-Trade commercials has entered rehab, citing an addiction to “poop” brought on by “stress and dehydration.”

“It’s true” said the baby’s agent.

My client is going through a very rough patch in his life right now.  The stress of his career, the fame, all this came on too quickly for the young tyke.  We should all pray for him and for a quick recovery.

The E-Trade baby, known professionally as “Cacca pee pee”  had shot to fame with a series of Superbowl commercials.  Answering an open casting call he impressed everyone immediately and was given the job.

“He was a natural for the part” said the director.

We looked at a lot of babies that day.  Probably hundreds.  But this kid was great. I mean the way he crapped his diapers, it’s like he was born to do it.  And he didn’t mind doing extra takes.  It was almost like he enjoyed crapping in his diapers.  The kid must be a method actor or something.

With the success of the commercials came the inevitable temptations of superstardom.  The E-Trade baby began hanging out with a fast and loose set.  “Pooping parties” became a nightly event at his place.

“All the hip people wanted to poop with him” said one attendee.

It was instant status.  Man if you were lucky enough to get an invite you went heavy on the Mexican food that day just so you’d be able to poop during the party.

But soon his personal life began to catch up with him.  He began showing up late to the set.  His erstwhile professionalism began to wane.

Once we had to send everyone home and shut down production because he couldn’t remember his lines. 

He became difficult to deal with, according to one prop master who worked with him.

I gave him a bottle of milk once and he took a sip and threw it at me.  He said, “What is this shit?  Is this skim milk?  You f*cking gave me skim milk you motherf*cker?  You’ll never work in this f*cking town again.  I want the real stuff.  Not this f*cking pansy ass skim shit!”  Then he grabbed hold of my assistant’s nipples and started sucking.  I mean I can’t blame him.  I’ve thought about sucking on her nipples too but I’m a married man.

The E-Trade baby will be in rehab for the next eight to 12 weeks.  His part in the commercials has been recast.  Veteran character actor Abe Vigoda will now play the baby.

“He was available.  He was cheap.  And he has issues with incontinence” said an E-Trade representative.

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