All Your Bank Accounts Are Belong to Us!

All your bank accounts are belong to us!

All your bank accounts are belong to us!

U.S.Department of Treasury

Washington D.C.

From the office of the Secretary of the Treasury, Jacob J. Lew

Good afternoon American bank account holders!

By now you’ve probably heard of a minor scuffle in Cyprus involving the taxation of bank accounts of ordinary citizens.  Many of you may be concerned and are asking yourselves, “Can something like this happen in the United States? My deposits are insured by the FDIC, correct?  I won’t one day wake up and find 20 percent of my savings gone will I?”

You really should stop watching Fox News!

Rest assured the Department of the Treasury and/or other agencies of the United States government have no intention of taking anyone’s bank account.

Let me say that again.  We have no intention of “taking” anyone’s bank account.

However, let’s parse the word “take” for a moment.  Take implies illegal confiscation and/or downright theft.  So, no, the Department of the Treasury has no intention of being involved in the “taking” of anyone’s bank account.

For it must be said that as an agency of the government anything we choose to do is, Ipso facto, legal.  The Supreme Court of this land has already ruled that the power to tax is unlimited.  Therefore, when we take money from your bank accounts it will be a perfectly legal and constitutional tax.

I don’t need to remind our citizens that our country faces economic challenges.  We are deeply in debt and need to raise more money to maintain our level of spending.

Unfortunately Republicans in congress have blocked our attempts to raise revenue.  Therefore we have no choice but to resort to the aforementioned legal and constitution measure of taxing all your bank accounts.

It’s for the children.

After the massacre at Newtown we wisely passed at state and Federal level gun confiscation policies.  We are also in the process of arming local, state and Federal law enforcement with a variety of guns and assault weapons to provide for the safety of all Americans.

This costs money.  And that is why we are proud to announce a tax on all bank accounts of American citizens.

You are no doubt saying, “I support the government and want to help.  How much will I be taxed?”

If you make more than 100,000 a year your bank accounts will be taxed 25 percent.  This is quite reasonable.  You don’t need the extra money anyway.  At some point you have to ask yourself if you’ve already made enough money.

For those making under 100,000 per year your bank accounts will be taxed at 15 percent.  Again, quite reasonable and painless.

Remember.  It’s for the children.

Be compassionate.

All your bank accounts are belong to us.

You have no chance to have your accounts not taxed.

Make your time.

For great justice!

Department of Treasury

1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW

Washington, D.C. 20220


3 Responses

  1. In Spain they are selling matresses with built-in safes.

  2. Matt says:

    Seems that Lew is a b/tard.

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