Being a member of the mainstream media grants me access to some of the most important movers and shakers in America today.  And with that in mind I am pleased to welcome our honorable Secretary of State John Kerry to the pages of Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Welcome Secretary Kerry.

JK:  Mombo dogface banana patch.

MI:  What?

JK:  Mombo dogface banana patch.  I gave you the sign.  What’s the countersign?

MI:  Um.  I don’t know.  You’re clearly insane?

JK:  Yes.  You are correct.  It’s a good think you knew the countersign.  You can’t be too careful.  America has many enemies.

MI:  That it does.  And as the Secretary of State your job will be to protect us from our enemies.  Who do you think is the greatest enemy of America today?  North Korea?  China?  Syria?

JK: Congress.  Specifically the Republicans in congress.

MI:  You’re joking, right?

JK:  I am serious.  Look at what Republicans believe in – they deny the settled science of climate change.  And if I don’t have to remind you that if sea levels rise 80 feet or more in the next month my vacation home will be underwater.  But I realize it’s my job to negotiate with our enemies.  So in good faith I will ask the Republicans in congress to give up all they believe in.

MI:  But what about the North Koreans?

JK:  Not a threat to us.

MI:  Seriously?

JK:  We could learn a lot from the NoKo’s – NoKo – that’s short for North Korean.  It’s diplomatic speak.  All the smart people say NoKo.

MI:  I don’t.

JK:  That’s because you’re stupid.  As I was saying we could learn a lot from the NoKo’s.  Have you ever seen a fat NoKo?

MI:  No.  

JK:  Exactly.  

MI: That’s because they’re starving.  They’re eating grass.

JK:   A vegetarian diet.  I recommend it.

MI:  You are insane.

JK:  Mombo dogface banana patch!

MI:  I already gave the countersign.

JK:  There’s a new countersign.

MI:  I – I don’t know the new countersign.

JK:   Saigon… shit; I’m still only in Saigon… Every time I think I’m gonna wake up back in the jungle.

MI:  I don’t follow you.  You’re not in Saigon.

JK:   I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn’t even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked through the war like a main circuit cable plugged straight into Kurtz. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel Walter E. Kurtz’s memory any more than being back in Saigon was an accident.

MI:  Are you even listening to me?

JK:  How many people had I already killed? There were those six that I knew about for sure. Close enough to blow their last breath in my face.

MI:  Focus on me.  Focus on me.  You’re not in the war anymore.

JK:   Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I never wanted another.

MI:  Should I let myself out?

JK:  Never get out of the boat!  Never get out of the boat! They were gonna make me a Major for this, and I wasn’t even in their fuckin’ army anymore.

MI:  I’ll just let myself out.

JK:  My mission is to make it up into Cambodia. There’s a Green Beret Colonel up there who’s gone insane. I’m supposed to kill him.

MI:  Bye.

JK:  Someday this war’s gonna end.  That’d be just fine with the boys on the boat. They weren’t looking for anything more than a way home. Trouble is, I’d been back there, and I knew that it just didn’t exist anymore.

And that concluded my interview with our troubled Secretary of State.  You do understand readers that my interview with John Kerry does not exist, nor will it ever exist…….

I love the smell of the internet in the morning.  Smells like victory.

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