Northwest Kardashian shortly after her birth

When the demon child of the daughter of the man who helped O.J. Simpson get away with murder and Kanye West was born there was much speculation as to what its name would be.  When it was revealed that the unfortunate demon child would be called “North West” speculation soon turned to “How long before the demon seed takes over the world?”

Using the latest in supercomputer technology I am now able to answer that question.  So I present for the benefit of my readers the Official NorthWest Kardashian Timeline:

• June 15, 2013

The birth of the demon child.  This is the world’s first demon child since Cher and Greg Allman’s progeny, Elijah Blue Allman.

• June 20, 2013

The name of the Demon child is revealed to be “North West.”  Said Ms. Kardashian, “When one thinks of the north west one thinks of constant depressing rain and snotty Starbucks employees.  We want the world to think of our child the same way.”

• September 2014

The demon child North West releases her first hip hop song on iTunes entitled, “Don’t shit your diaper for me Argentina.”

• April 2024

The demon child travels back in time to 1832 and addresses the nation.  “President Andrew Jackson doesn’t care about black people!’  Ignored by America she promises vengeance in the form of modern day Detroit and Camden, New Jersey

• March 2026

The demon child is spotted court side at a Lakers game with Lindsay Lohan and Justin Bieber.  Speculation is rampant that the appearance of the three together represent a “black magic Power of Three.”

Note:  While not part of the demon child timeline Manhattan Infidel loses 95 percent of his readers in disgust when they realize he just slipped a “Charmed”

Hey, Charmed was a witty representation of modern day empowered women!

reference into the post.  Alyssa Milano.  Mmmm.  Alyssa Milano.

• November 2030

Inhabitants of Earth wake up in horror as the moon hits their eye like a big pizza pie. North West claims responsibility for the event saying “President Justin Bieber doesn’t care about black people.”

• October 2033

The demon child hosts the season premiere of Saturday Night Live with her father Kanye West as musical guest.  West interrupts his first song and declares that “President Lindsay Lohan doesn’t care about black people.”  For this he is banned from SNL by recently undead producer Lorne Michaels.

• April 2036

The zombie apocalypse begins.  North West denies responsibility.

• May 2036

With 95 percent of the world’s population now zombies North West finally admits her responsibility.  “Until the undead Lorne Michaels allows my father back on SNL the zombies will continue to reign supreme.  And President Justine Bateman doesn’t care about black people.”

• August 2036

Using her mind, the demon child North West destroys the universe.  All life is extinguished.

• October 2036

North West hosts the season premiere of Saturday Night Live with musical guests her father and Justin Bieber who sing their duet, “I”m a little bit hip hop and Bieber still doesn’t care about black people.”

And there you have it readers.  The official North West Kardashian Timeline.  And if you are reading this Alyssa Milano please give me a call.  Just don’t tell Olivia Wilde.

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If only she had kept her habit, which acted as a vertical stabilizer.

The black box from the Flying Nun has been recovered.  Sister Bertrille of the convent of San Tanco in Puerto Rico, commonly known as the “flying nun”  disappeared over the Atlantic Ocean while flying from Brazil to France.  Sister Bertrille had travelled to Brazil to take part in a conference of her order and from there was flying to France to pick up orphans.  Her last contact with ground control was at 2:10 local time when she said that she was experiencing turbulence and was going to climb higher to avoid it.

Immediately an intensive search of the Atlantic was begin.  One day after she disappeared her luggage was discovered.  It is believed that Sister Bertrille broke up on impact.

After careful review of the black box authorities from the TSA have released the following statement which they believe is the official cause of her death:

Sister Bertrille, aka the Flying Nun pitched her nose up to avoid turbulence.  As her angle of attack increased stall warnings went off.  Sister Bertrille amazingly ignored these stall warnings and continued to pitch her nose up, causing her to fall from 38,000 feet to the sea in two minutes.

As to why Sister Bertrille ignored the stall warnings the TSA believes that she may have become disorientated.

She (the Flying Nun) was experienced in flying over land but she did not have much experience flying over deep ocean at that altitude.  With the lack of visual objects of reference she may not have realized the danger she was in.  When a stall develops the normal thing to do is pitch the nose down and build up speed.  Sister may have tried to do this but by the time she saw the ocean it was too late.

The TSA also criticized Sister Bertille for getting rid of her nun’s habit.

It was the vertical stabilizer!

By getting rid of her habit and dressing in “street clothes” Sister Bertrille was dooming herself.  Without her habit she became aerodynamically unstable. In our final analysis the crash was caused by her inexperience flying at night over the sea and her unwise decision to forgo her habit.

Her superior in her order stands by the decision to abandon the habit.

The spirit of Vatican II calls us to be engaged in the world.  Our habits prevented us from moving among the laity as one of them. Also our habits were a symbol of the oppression caused by male-dominated patriarchal church.

In lieu of her body which may never be recovered her order is soliciting for funds to build a memorial on the convent’s grounds.

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Heroic socialist Adolph Hitler in happier times

With the American and Russian war machine closing in on Berlin and heroic socialist Adolph Hitler in hiding, Hollywood is making known where its sympathies lie.  A five minute film entitled “We are Adolph Hitler” is being released to theaters this week.

“It’s important that this film be made” said MGM head Louis B. Mayer.

This is my adopted homeland and I love it but I am ashamed of the war crimes our military is committing.  I support our troops but this war is immoral.

The short film opens with many of Hollywood’s top stars holding signs of solidarity that say “I am Adolph Hitler.”

Among the stars signing up for the film are veterans Jimmy Stewart

I am in uniform. I have moral authority

Clark Gable

This country disgusts me.

and David Niven

The war machine of western Europe must give way to socialism.

“I couldn’t remain quiet any longer” said Stewart.

I flew many bombing missions over Germany.  And I always asked myself, “Why?”  Why are we attacking the German people?  What have they ever done to us?   And in these bombing missions I had to bomb civilian targets.  I feel sick at my complicity in these war crimes.

Gable mirrors Stewart in his criticism of the allied war effort.

Hitler is a socialist.  He cares for the poor.  Perhaps that’s why we are bombing them?  The industrialists in our country hate socialism as is well known.  I asked for my discharge because I could no longer participate in this charade of so-called liberation.

Niven in particular criticizes the war crimes of Eisenhower and the allied command.

War crimes!  One war crime after another.  I have burned civilians out of homes. Destroyed private property.  And for what?  To bring Germany to its knees?  Why?  War never! War never again! This war could have been over two years ago if only Roosevelt and the Jew-dominated American war machine weren’t consumed by blood lust and war fever.  Together let us break Adolph Hitler out of his bunker!

From Washington President Truman denies that the war was started to destroy the socialist economic model.

That’s just ridiculous.  I favor socialized health care.  We didn’t start this war.  Germany started it.  We are just bringing it to its logical conclusion.

We are Adolph Hitler has already been nominated for best short film of the year.

Note:  For those wondering what this post is satirizing I now present “I am Bradley Manning.”

I am Bradley Manning

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Larry Talbot was a disruptive force in the workplace

Larry Talbot was dismissed today from his job in the ad sales department of a publishing company.

“We had no choice” said the company’s director of Human Resources.  “He was really starting to create a problem for us.”

Things changed for Talbot, formerly considered a rising star in the company, shortly after he purchased a silver-headed walking stick decorated with a wolf.  Said a receptionist:

Creepy villagers started dropping by the office asking for him.  When I asked them what they wanted all they said was “Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayer by night may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.” Like, what the f*ck does that mean?

Then one day Talbot showed up late for work, covered in blood and wearing the same clothes he did the day before.

We were nervous and worried that he might have murdered someone.  But he comes from money.  He has an ancestral home in Wales and all that so we cut him some slack.

Talbot was forgiven and resumed his job in the office.  But things quickly turned bad again.

We were working on this project and we asked him to stay late one day.  He said he couldn’t.  He pleaded with us saying, “Please.  I can’t stay late.  When the moon comes out I turn into a wolf.”  Well, we reported this to HR and they told him in no uncertain terms to lay off the sexually charged language.

Already on thin ice and tagged as a sexual predator disrespectful of the women Talbot was finally let go after what co-workers call “The Day Talbot Lost his Shit.”

Forced to work late Talbot nervously excused himself and went to the bathroom.  When he came out he was naked and covered head to toe in fur.

Larry Talbot prepares to violate company policy

Damn if he didn’t look like Dan Hedaya.  I mean this dude was hairy.  Then he grabbed a co-workers neck and started biting, which is serious violation of the company code of ethics. Blood was gushing out of the poor guy. Then he starts howling.  We followed him into the kitchen where he opened the refrigerator and ate all our lunches.  He ate our f*cking lunches!

Unfortunately for Talbot stealing a coworker’s lunch is a fireable offense.

We could live with the hairiness, neck biting and penile-caused mannish behavior as long as he did his job.  But eating someone else’s lunch just displays an appalling lack of character.

He was escorted out of the building by security and told never to return again.

Talbot is currently suing his former employer for back wages, claiming that his behavior was the result of “Dehydration and being bitten by a werewolf.”

“Let’s see him try and win that” said a former co-worker.  “Dehydration?  Come on!  He was drinking water all the time.”

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