“Innominaus is a bad man. A bad bad man.” ~ Ichiro Suzuki (after the game through an interpreter).

Yankee Stadium in a moment of calm before Ichiro’s walk off.

On a wickedly hot and humid night the Yankees played the Texas Rangers.  The Yankees started Hiroki Kuroda (7-5 2.78) while the Rangers countered with Yu “Whirling” Darvish (7-3 2.84)

Texas scored (“Plated” in modern parlance) first in the top of the third when center fielder Leonys Martin homered to right field on a 2-2 count.  1-0 Rangers after three.

Texas scored another run in the top of the fourth. Yankee third baseman David Adams committed a costly error allowing Adrian Beltre to reach first safely.  After A.J. Piezynski and Lance Berkman singled to load the bases Mitch Moreland hit into a fielder’s choice scoring Beltre.  2-0 Rangers after three and a half.

The Yankees scored in the bottom of the fourth. Travis Hafner led off and on an 0-1 count homered to the right center field box seats in front of me.  (Right field box seats cost 90 dollars.  The bleachers where was sitting cost 20.  ‘Nuff said.).  2-1 Rangers after four.

The Rangers scored again in the top of the fifth when Leonys Martin (again?) homered on a 2-1 count.  3-1 Rangers after four and a half.

In the bottom of the fifth the Yankees traded run for run when Brett Gardner homered on a 1-1 count to right field.  3-2 Rangers after five.

In the bottom of the six the Yankee shortstop who has not slept with Minka Kelly (Jason Nix) homered to left field.  3-3 tie score after six.

And so it remained until the bottom of the ninth when Ichiro Suzuki, nemesis of the blogger known as Innominatus came to the plate.  With the count 0-2 Ichiro then hit a walk off home run into the right field box seats, ending the game.  The victory went to Mariano Rivera (1-1 1.55) who pitched the top of the ninth.

Notes on the game:

Before the game the Yankees introduced the corporate partner of the day:  The Decepticons.  “The Yankees value their relationship with Megatron” intoned the public address announcer.  Just like the Yankees.  Always choosing the bad guys.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of  “The separated soul is, indeed, less perfect considering its nature in which it communicates with the nature of the body:  but it has greater freedom of intelligence, since the weight and care of the body is a clog upon the clearness of its intelligence in the present life”  left the crowd unmoved.  If this keeps up I’ll have to give up heckling.  Most sophisticated fans in baseball my ass!

After the game Ichiro was asked what he thought of Innominatus.  He replied that “Innominatus is a bad man. A bad, bad man. If this were World War II I’d be the commandant of a Japanese prison camp and he would be a prisoner. He would not survive. I would behead him personally.”

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I resent your aspersions upon my fair city of Philadelphia.-”

I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am. You’re just a man who lives in Philadelphia with a brain a third the size of us. It’s science.

D.B. of Philadelphia also writes, “That’s not true!”

And you have a dirty whorish mouth!

S.J. of Harlem writes, “My god what is that smell?  It smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food..”

That’s the ointment I rub all over my body every morning. It’s perfectly legal. And it has no side effects. Except I’m now legally a Klingon.

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “Greetings from Amsterdam!  I asked the bartender to put the Yankee game on.  He didn’t know who the Yankees were. That’s when I tasered him.”

Well done young woman.  Well done.  Yankee nation is proud of you.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My dog burned down my house.”

He’s creating a diversion. His real goal is to steal your car.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “The NSA has a warrant for all my phone records. What do I do?”

Hand them over.  Stop being selfish. Barack Obama cares for you.

Recommended reading material:

The Black Lizard Big Book of Black Mask Stories:  The Greatest Crime Fiction from the Legendary Magazine, edited by Otto Penzler.

And so my record stands at 4-2 this year.  My next game is Tuesday July 9th against the Texas Rangers.

Go Yankees!

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