“My kingdom!  My kingdom for a new back, or a new hip, or a new knee” ~ assorted anonymous Yankees

Hey look at the old timers! No wait, that’s the regular Yankees.

Today was the 67th Old Timer’s game at Yankee Stadium.  A tradition in which elderly ex-stars painfully walk to home plate, painfully swing at pitches and painfully, slowly, run to first base.  No wait, that’s the regular Yankees.

The Yankees started Ivan Nova (2-2 4.91) and intradivision rival the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays started Chris Archer (2-3 4.21).

Nova, considering he hadn’t pitched since May 29th acquitted himself well for the most part, pitching 6 2/3 innings before being taken out.

But it didn’t look like he’d make it that far early in the game.  The (Devil) Rays got on the board first.  Matt Joyce lead off with a single and when to second on a fielder’s choice when Desmond Jennings grounded out 1-3.  On an 0-1 count Ben Zobrist then singled him home.  After Evan Longoria walked Nova got out of the inning when James Loney 4-6-3 double play.  1-0 Tampa after half an inning.

In the bottom of the first Brett Gardner led off with a single and ended on second when the Tampa left fielder Desmond Jennings couldn’t field the ball cleanly.  He the reached third on a wild pitch. After Ichiro “I was not a prison camp commandant on the River Kwai during World War II.  You have me confused with someone else” committed an epic fail when trying to bunt and popped up to the catcher and Robinson Cano flied out to left field Yankee DH Travis Hafner singled him home. Lyle Overbay then grounded out 4-3 to end the inning.  Tie score 1-1 after one inning.

And then both pitchers settled down with Nova striking out seven.

In the top of the seventh Yunel Escobar led off for Tampa and grounded out 6-2.  Matt Joyce then flied out to deep center field.   But then the trouble started.  Jennings and Zobrist were hit by pitches before Girardi brought in Shawn Kelley who walked Longoria to load the bases. Girardi then brought in Boone Logan who got two strikes on Loney before he singled home Jennings and Zobrist.  Joba “Soon to be an ex-Yankee” then struck out Will Myers to end the inning.  3-1 Tampa Bay after six and a half.  And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

As is their wont, before the game the Yankees introduced the corporate sponsor of the day. Today’s sponsor was BALCO.  “The Yankees value their relationship with BALCO” intoned the public address announcer as a ceremonial syringe was brought out to home plate.

Ban the Wave!

The wave, that annoying holdout from the ’90s again made an appearance during the game. I  humbly suggest that fans who participate in the wave should have their reproductive organs removed.  Or be forced to view photos of Meg Ryan after her plastic surgeries.  Whichever produces the most psychological trauma.  Meg Ryan:  From adorable to Howard the Duck in 15 years.

Best heckle of the game:  I tried but my heckle of  “In the present state of life in which the soul is united to a passable body, it is impossible for our intellect to understand anything actually, except by turning to the phantasms” (Summa Theologica Part One Question 84 article seven) didn’t fire up the crowd.  I’m beginning to think that Yankee fans aren’t Thomists.  In fact I bet they probably prefer Bonaventure, the unspeakable bastards.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I live in Philadelphia and -“

Shut your filthy whore mouth!

D.B. of Philadelphia also writes, “But I haven’t said anything yet!”

SHUT YOUR FILTHY WHORE MOUTH!

S.J. of Harlem writes, “Tall and tan and young and lovely/the girl from Ipanema goes walking/and when she passes/each one she passes goes ah.”

Whew.  That was close.  I thought she was going to start with the lyrics from the Beach Boys’ Kokomo.

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “Greetings from France!’

There is no baseball in France.  Have you no shame?  You must live with this for your entire life.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I’ve been walking my dog for hours.  I think he knows I don’t know where I’m going. I think he views me as an enemy now.”

Careful son. He also knows about the bodies in your back yard.  Keep your friends close but your enemies closer as Innominatus once said.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I keep hearing mysterious clicks on my phone. Do you think the NSA is listening to my conversations?”

You’re just being paranoid.  Unless you didn’t vote for Obama.  In which case the answer is yes.

Recommended reading material:

Paddy Whacked:  The Untold Story of the Irish American Gangster by T.J. English.

And so my record stands at 3-2 this year.  My next game is Tuesday June 25th against the Texas Rangers.

Go Yankees!

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