An Open Letter from Booz Allen Hamilton

Join us and see the world.  From a cramped hotel room.  Because you can't go outside.  Without being shot.

Join us and see the world. From a cramped hotel room. Because you can’t go outside. Without being shot.

In the past few weeks you no doubt have seen us in the news.  One of our former contractors, Edward Snowden, is on the run, wanted by the United States government for leaking classified documents relating to NSA hacking of computers and spying on American citizens.

No doubt you are asking yourself, “What does this have to do with me?”

Let us address ourselves to computer geeks everywhere:

  • Are you tired of your current desktop support position?
  • Do you feel you get no respect from women in the office who look down on you as a poorly paid, socially awkward computer technician?
  • Would you like more glamor in your job?
  • Tired of swapping out keyboards?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions then a career at Booz Allen Hamilton is right for you!

When you get a computer job at Booz Allen Hamilton not only will you be highly paid but you will have access to classified information around the world.  But don’t take just our word for it.  Listen to the testimonials of past and present Booz Allen Hamilton contractors:

“My position with Booz Allen Hamilton granted me access to lists of machines all over the world the NSA hacked.  That is why I accepted the position.  And I haven’t swapped out one keyboard yet!”

“Because of my position at Booz Allen Hamilton I now have a stripper girlfriend!  All I did was tell her I make 200,000 a year and that I knew secrets and she was all over me.  Thanks Booz Allen Hamilton!”

“I’m overweight, bald and live with my mother but once Booz Allen Hamilton hired me my life changed dramatically.  It pays to be a snitch!  Now women find me irresistible.  I mean I still can’t bring girls home because mother objects but now I can afford a hotel room.  For the night not just for an hour!”

“I’m a high school dropout with no computer experience.  Much to my surprise I got an interview with Booz Allen Hamilton. They asked me if I was going to use my position to leak secrets, betray my government and escape to Hong Kong. I said ‘Sure that sounds like fun.  I love Chinese food.’  Well they hired me!  And here I am, sitting in a hotel room in Hong Kong surrounded by Chinese hookers. I mean strippers.  I would definitely recommend Booz Allen Hamilton to my friends.”

And those are just a few of our testimonials.

But wait.  There’s more!

If you apply for a job at Booz Allen Hamilton you will get this stainless steel rotisserie from Ronco.

But wait!  There's more!

But wait! There’s more!

A $199.99 value free of charge!

But wait!  There’s. Still. More!

Forced to flee the country?  Don’t worry about losing your health benefits.  At Booz Allen Hamilton we pride ourselves on our implementation of Obamacare.  You cannot lose your health benefits.  You will not be turned down because of a pre-existing condition such as high blood pressure, elevated cholesterol or treason.

So apply for a position at Booz Allen Hamilton now. Learn your government’s secrets and travel the globe!

Note:  Booz Allen Hamilton is not affiliated with Burlington Coat Factories.


2 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Throw in some Ginsu knives and ya got a deal!

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>