Heads go in the blue bin. Torsos go in the gray bin.

Fresh off his proposed ban on 32-ounce soft drink mayor Michael Bloomberg (Statist Asshole – NY)  has proposed newer, more stringent recycling laws.  Already accustomed to separating plastic, metal and paper, New Yorkers will also have to sort food scraps and other items.  Because they can be confusing, for the benefit of my readers I will give a brief explanation of the new rules.

• Will I still have to recycle newspapers?

Yes.  Please continue to tie your papers into a bundle and place them in the gray colored bin.

• But I like to read the New York Times.

That is different.  Do not recycle the Times.  Use it as toilet paper.

• Toilet paper?  Really?

Yes.  Wiping your ass with the Times is the only practical use for it.

• But the Times uses cheap ink.  I’m worried about infection.

Then use it to line your kitty litter box.

• I have a prosthetic limb.  I think I accidentally threw it out with the other recyclables.  Can I retrieve it?

As long as you placed your limb in the proper blue colored recycle bin you should have no problem retrieving it.  Just go to one of the designated compost stations in your borough to get it back. If perchance your limb has already been melted down you can exchange it for a limb made from crushed cans of soda.

• But I think I put my limb in the gray colored paper recycling bin.

Learn to hop.

• I have to recycle food scraps now?

Yes.  All food scraps must be placed in separate containers.

• But I’m worried about odor.

You’re joking right?  New Jersey is just across the Hudson River and you’re worried about odor?  Whats a matta with ya?

• I grabbed something from the salad bar at the deli down the block last night.  They had some meat I didn’t recognize.  Do I recycle this?

Yes.  Place the mystery meat in the plastic recycle bins.

• My name is Vinnie and I live on Todt Hill in Staten Island.  What are the recycling rules regarding body parts?

All body parts are recyclable.  Please place them in the new green recycling bins.

• Phew.  That’s a relief.  I got a body in the the trunk of my car and it’s starting to stink.

It’s understandable that you would want to get rid of it.  As stated above place the body in the green recycling bin.

• What if the body won’t fit?

Chop it up into segments that will fit.

• You mean with like a chainsaw or something?

A chainsaw might violate a noise pollution ordinance in your neighborhood.  Use a hacksaw instead.

• So all the body parts are recyclable?

That is an excellent question.  It depends on the nationality of the  person you are trying to recycle.

• He was Irish.

Then throw away the liver.  It’s probably cirrhotic anyway.

• What if he was a stooge?

Bury him upstate.  No need to soil New York City’s fine recycling program with stooges.

• Do I still need to chop him up?

Since you are not recycling him there is no need to.  But since he is a stooge I would still mutilate the body.  Try cutting his penis off and sending it to his wife.

• I never thought of that.  Thanks!

I hope these brief answers will help all New Yorkers make sense of the new recycling regulations.

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