Please detail the cause of your death.

August 28, 2015.

Dear Citizen:

It has come to our attention that you have recently died.  As you are no doubt aware any and all deaths now come under the purview of the Affordable Health Care Act, commonly known as “Obamacare.”  As a result of this we must ensure that your claim of death was reasonable and falls within established guidelines.  We understand that being dead can be stressful and we appreciate you taking time out of your dead schedule to answer the following questions.  Please answer them truthfully and to the best of your ability.  Please note that failure to answer questions truthfully may result in the disqualification of coverage of any future death of yours.

• Are you dead?

1. Yes
2. No
3. Hard to tell.  I lived in New Jersey

• Was your death unexpected?

1. Yes
2. No.  I was ill.
3. Hard to tell.  I lived in New Jersey

• If your death was not unexpected, did you get prior approval to die?

1. Yes
2. I had applied for approval but was not formally authorized to die
3. There wasn’t enough time.  My last memories were of Vinnie and his crew putting me in the trunk of his car and shooting me. I lived in New Jersey, you see

• You claim your death was the result of gunshot wounds.  Why are you bitter and cling to guns and religion?

1. I’m sorry I wasn’t more progressive in my life
2. Please, please accept my apology for my form of death and do not audit me
3. I’m not bitter.  Dying of gunshot wounds while being stuffed in a trunk of a car is normal in New Jersey

• Are you faking your death?

1. Yes
2. No
3. I wish!  If  I had been better at faking my death Vinnie would never have found me and I might still be alive right now

• Did you fake your death to get out of paying your fair share of taxes?

1. Yes.  I should have realized that paying my fare share is necessary to maintain the social welfare safety net
2. Yes again.  My afterlife has been stigmatized by my unprogressive life thoughts and I feel much shame as a result
3. What other reason could there be for faking my death (unless I live in New Jersey)

• You really are a piece of work.  Why do you oppose the benevolent power of the State?

1. There is no reasonable explanation for opposing the State
2. I hate minorities
3. I read a lot of conservative blogs

• So……AROD and steroids.  Who saw that coming?

1. I know, right!
2. He should pay more taxes
3. What has this got to do with my death?

• It has come to our attention that you have not completed our death form.  Why not?

1. I am dead
2. Conservatives are stupid and do not pay their fair share of taxes
3. Please accept my phone records

Once you have answered all our questions please return it to us in the provided envelope.  Failure to do so will result in revocation of your death.  Please answer all questions with a number two pencil.  Failure to do so will result in revocation of your death.  Please make two copies of this form and send us one copy while you keep the other. Failure to do so will result in revocation of your death.

Thank you.

(447)