Natural beauty AND forced enemas? Sign me up!

With Thanksgiving approaching in a few weeks many may be seeking places to take a vacation. May I take this opportunity to suggest the beautiful state of New Mexico?  New Mexico has much to offer:  natural beauty, scenic drives and  pre-Colombian ruins.  And with that in mind I now present my personal guide to the best of New Mexico:

For starters I suggest not making a complete stop at a stop sign.  New Mexico has a very friendly police force and this will present the opportunity to get acquainted with them.

They will no doubt ask you to leave you vehicle, or “egress” from it as they might say (New Mexico police have quaint customs.)  The police may have drug-sniffing dogs with them, or dogs who haven’t been trained to sniff drugs but that they trust to find drugs.

At this point the police may place you under arrest.  (Because their dog told them that your car seat smelled like drugs.)

This may make you nervous and you may involuntarily clench your buttocks.   I would advise against this.

But you may say “I just had Mexican food and feel a bout of diarrhea coming upon me.”  Let me repeat.  Do not clench your buttocks.  If you follow my advice and your buttocks remain unclenched you will have a great time vacationing in New Mexico and you will no doubt see all the popular vacation spots.

If however you want a vacation experience to end all vacation experiences then please feel free to clench your buttocks.

Once your buttocks are clenched you will have the opportunity to learn more about America’s criminal justice system and why it is the greatest in the world.

Do you know what a warrant is?  In many countries of the world not ruled by our enlightened system of jurisprudence your anus may be penetrated by authority figures for no reason at all.

But in New Mexico this is not possible.

Your anus will not be penetrated by a doctor’s finger until, and only until a search warrant for your anus has been produced.

Once the warrant has been produced and you are being penetrated you no doubt will be proud that you live in America.

But the fun does not stop there.

A finger penetration exam of your anus may be performed a second time. You will smile as you think to yourself “I bet my anus would not be penetrated in North Dakota or Wyoming?”  And you’d be right.  That’s why makes a vacation in New Mexico so enjoyable.

But wait, there’s more.  Have you ever wondered about the content of your feces?  In New Mexico you will have the opportunity to have your curiosity satisfied.

An enema will be inserted into your anus to draw forth your fecal matter.  Watch in amazement as doctors pick through your feces.

Hey, I don’t remember eating corn?  Ha.  That was a joke.  But isn’t it fascinating the way the doctors closely examine it?  And you thought a trip to New Mexico would be boring.  You thought you wouldn’t learn anything during a vacation in New Mexico.

But wait. There’s still more!

More you say?  What could possibly top watching doctors pick through my fecal matter after a forced enema?

How about a colonoscopy?  That’s right.  You will be sedated and a scope with a camera will be inserted into your anus, rectum, colon and large intestines.

I know what you are saying.  “Wow!  Now that’s a vacation experience!  Where do I sign up?”

All this can be yours by contacting your local travel agent and telling them “I want my anus penetrated!”

New Mexico.  Land of enchantment and anal excitement!

Offer valid only in New Mexico.  Anal penetration may not be substituted for other vacation offers.

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A protocol droid fluent in over six million forms of communication? Sign him up!

C3PO has been chosen by the Obama administration to redesign the much-maligned healthcare.gov website.

“I must admit this offer came out of left field” declared the lucky protocol droid.

Before this my only experience with computers was uploading Quick Time video messages for Princess Leia.  But I was recently upgraded and now I come with built in WiFi – hot spot included – and a touch screen.  I guess that must have impressed the folks at the White House.  Anyway I got a call from Kathleen Sebelius and she says to me, “C3PO, as you may know the Republicans have sabotaged President Obama’s signature health care reform.  Would you care to help us?”  Well to tell the truth things have been a little slow for me since the breakup with R2D2 and I need the money so I accepted.  Sebelius  asked me if I was really fluent in six million forms of communication.   She was quite adamant about that.   I told her that I was indeed fluent in six million forms of communication. Unfortunately Spanish is not one of them.  She said that was okay and hired me anyway.  They gave me 100 million to do it. I’m just a poor droid. How can I refuse an offer like that.

Presidential press secretary Jay Carney promoted C3PO’s qualifications at his daily press conference.

C3PO is non-partisan and only wants what’s best for America.  Just like President Obama.  And just like President Obama no one is angrier over the glitches at the healthcare.gov website.  C3PO will use this opportunity to design a web site that will ensure all Americans their right to health care that is cheaper than they have now.  And when C3PO finishes the redesign all Americans will be able to keep the health care plan they already have.  Unless of course your plan doesn’t predate 2013.

There is opposition to C3PO however.

“Like all in the Republican leadership I am prepared to give President Obama all he wants” said Speaker of the House John Boehner.

But C3PO?  Couldn’t he have at least chose Lando Calrissian?  The man has administration experience in Cloud City. He would have been a much better choice.

Despite the White House’s pledge of confidence in C3PO rumor has it that he is on a short lease.

During a cabinet meeting in the oval office Obama was overheard to say “The gold robot better fix this or I’ll melt him down.”

C3PO has promised to have the web site back up by December 1st, “assuming no Death Stars attack.”

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Is this the face of racism?

Educators have discovered the root cause of racism in America:  the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

“The Klan, school bombing and slavery.  These were all caused by peanut butter and jelly” declared the head of the Pacific Education Group, which is spearheading the move to ban the PB&J from all public schools.

Think of the shame a black, Hispanic or Somali child must feel if he is forced to eat the white man’s food at school.  I need not remind people that peanut butter and jelly is often served on “white” bread, or bread of non-color as I like to call it.  These black, Hispanic and Somali children might not eat sandwiches.  I don’t know what they eat.  I’m rich enough to afford not to live in one of their neighborhoods, thank god.  Those neighborhoods are dangerous.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about them.  I have thrown out all my white bread in solidarity.

In keeping with the Pacific Education Group’s desire to end racism in America all students will now be taught that our founding fathers ate peanut butter and jelly while formulating the Constitution.

Come on.  Limited government? Lower taxes?  Paying off one’s debt?  These are racial code words.  It only makes sense that our white so-called founding fathers were stuffing their white man faces with peanut butter and jelly.

When told that peanut butter was invented in the 19th century by George Washington Carver, a black man, the director of the Pacific Education Group called Carver a “self-loathing racist.”

First off I deny your so-called facts.  Peanut butter was invented by Thomas Jefferson so he could have something to spread on his slaves when he wanted to get his kink on.  And even if George Washington Carver did invent peanut butter what does that prove?  Only that he was working for the man to keep his people down.

The Pacific Education Group’s goal of eliminating racism in America does not end with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches however.  Other traditionally white concepts such as self-reliance, the belief that hard work leads to success and rational, linear thinking have also been attacked as racist concepts.

The white man likes to tell people that hard work is the key to success.  But the system is rigged against the people of color.  They will not succeed.  The white man also likes to adhere to time schedules, as if time could be controlled.  We here at the Pacific Education Group feel that asking students of color to show up to school on time is a travesty.  Peoples of color are incapable of following a rigid time structure.  I mean, I don’t know any peoples of color.  I’m rich enough to live in a white, gated community as I mentioned before but I heard someone mention this once and it rings true.

To celebrate the end of racism the Pacific Education Group will be holding a free social event at its headquarters which will prominently not feature peanut butter and jelly.

The event begins at 1 pm.  However all guests are asked to show up at the time “their conscience tells them to.”

Breaking news:  The director of the Pacific Education Group has been arrested for shoplifting.  Discovered on her were ten cans of peanut butter and jelly and three loaves of white bread.

“I’m such a hypocrite” she told the arresting officers.  “But god I love peanut butter and jelly.  Just kill me now.  Kill me!”

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Authorities are currently looking for this dangerous anti-government extremist

Dateline June 1781.  Ye Olde New Yorke Times

Thomas Jefferson, governor of the colony of Virginia is on the run and his whereabouts are currently unknown.  The King’s representative, Banarste Tarleton, and his 250-man cavalry force are searching for Jefferson and members of the Virginia Assembly and hope to capture him soon.

“This man Jefferson is dangerous” said Tarleton during an exclusive interview he granted with Ye Olde New Yorke Times.

Even before he became Governor he has displayed dangerous anti-government tendencies.  Just recently he took the guns that are being used against the King’s troops and transferred them from Richmond to an unknown location.  These guns, instead of being confiscated by us are now in the hands of the people.  Mr. Jefferson has also on occasion expressed admiration for natural law. Obviously he is an extremist, he is dangerous and he must be stopped.

While Tarleton attempts to capture Jefferson, Benedict Arnold, formerly of the continental army but now fighting for the King will focus on capturing the capital at Richmond.

I’m confident that I will have Jefferson as my prisoner before long.  And once Arnold captures Richmond we will crush this rebellion once and for all.  The colonists have been infected with a desire to lower their taxes and reduce the size and power of government.  It is our hope that after this rebellion has been crushed these colonists can once again become productive subjects of his Britannic Majesty.  They’ll just have to give up their guns and submit to the King.

In the meantime until Jefferson is captured the King’s forces have distributed pamphlets throughout Virginia asking citizens to return to the good graces of the government and to alert authorities if Jefferson is spotted.

We here at Ye Olde New Yorke Times applaud the attempts to capture this dangerous anti-government extremist.

Mr. Jefferson favors gun rights and low taxes.  Obviously he is racist and unfit for a leadership position in the British Empire.

The Editorial Board of Ye Olde New Yorke Times

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