Humpty Dumpty Taken Down by Homeland Security

Anthropomorphic trouble maker Humpty Dumpty had it coming!

Anthropomorphic trouble maker Humpty Dumpty had it coming!

Famous anthropomorphic egg Humpty Dumpty is dead after a shootout with agents from Homeland Security.

The incident began around noon local time when a homeowner discovered Humpty sitting on the wall that marked his property line.

“I yelled at him” said the homeowner.

“Hey punk, get the f*ck off my wall.  That’s my property.” He just laughed and continued to smoke his cigar.  He had an evil look about him.  I don’t like him.  None of the homeowners here do.  He’s nasty and yells at the children.

The homeowner then tried to taunt Humpty off his wall by peeling a hard boiled egg in front of him.  This worked somewhat as Humpty became agitated.  But he still wouldn’t come off the wall.

I peeled a couple eggs in front of him while yelling “Hey Humpty, I’m killing your children!’  Then I ate the eggs.  He got all yellow in the face and said he’d take me down.  I told him, “Come at me bro!” but he still wouldn’t come down from the wall.  I don’t know what’s wrong with the dude. His brain must be scrambled or something.  So I went back into the house and closed the drapes.  My children were crying. My wife was crying.  A man shouldn’t have to live like this!  I don’t know what to do.

Unbeknownst to the harried homeowner Dumpty had recently come under surveillance.

“We have been monitoring his emails for some time” said Keith B. Alexander, Director of the National Security Agency.

An anthropomorphic egg?  Who wouldn’t be alarmed by that.  We considered him a possible security threat and a terrorist.

After consulting with Homeland Security the decision was made to take him out.

Naturally we don’t enjoy killing U.S. citizens, except for Christians and the Irish.  We have that authority under the Constitution.  I mean I’ve never read it but I think it says that.

As Dumpty sat on the wall smoking his cigar a hand-picked team of Homeland Security commandos surrounded Humpty.

“We gave him every opportunity to surrender” said the leader of the raid.

We called out, “Hey Humpty, look over here” and then we opened fired.  Technically that counts as giving a terrorist perp the opportunity to surrender.

It was all over in seconds.

Humpty’s widow plans to sue.

My husband was a gentle soul.  All he wanted to do was sit on walls. Why?  Why oh why did they have to kill him?

The homeowner whose wall Humpty was sitting on has been sent a bill for $200,000 by the EPA to cover the cost of the yolk cleanup.

“Egg yolk is considered a contaminant” said EPA administrator Gina McCarthy.

(3904)

3 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    You had to know that something was up with him. Cigar smoking is what Rush Limbaugh does, doesn’t he?

  2. petermc3 says:

    Had he been laid by a free range chicken a dispensation may have been in order.

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