Authorities are currently looking for this dangerous anti-government extremist
Dateline June 1781. Ye Olde New Yorke Times
Thomas Jefferson, governor of the colony of Virginia is on the run and his whereabouts are currently unknown. The King’s representative, Banarste Tarleton, and his 250-man cavalry force are searching for Jefferson and members of the Virginia Assembly and hope to capture him soon.
“This man Jefferson is dangerous” said Tarleton during an exclusive interview he granted with Ye Olde New Yorke Times.
Even before he became Governor he has displayed dangerous anti-government tendencies. Just recently he took the guns that are being used against the King’s troops and transferred them from Richmond to an unknown location. These guns, instead of being confiscated by us are now in the hands of the people. Mr. Jefferson has also on occasion expressed admiration for natural law. Obviously he is an extremist, he is dangerous and he must be stopped.
While Tarleton attempts to capture Jefferson, Benedict Arnold, formerly of the continental army but now fighting for the King will focus on capturing the capital at Richmond.
I’m confident that I will have Jefferson as my prisoner before long. And once Arnold captures Richmond we will crush this rebellion once and for all. The colonists have been infected with a desire to lower their taxes and reduce the size and power of government. It is our hope that after this rebellion has been crushed these colonists can once again become productive subjects of his Britannic Majesty. They’ll just have to give up their guns and submit to the King.
In the meantime until Jefferson is captured the King’s forces have distributed pamphlets throughout Virginia asking citizens to return to the good graces of the government and to alert authorities if Jefferson is spotted.
We here at Ye Olde New Yorke Times applaud the attempts to capture this dangerous anti-government extremist.
Mr. Jefferson favors gun rights and low taxes. Obviously he is racist and unfit for a leadership position in the British Empire.
The Editorial Board of Ye Olde New Yorke Times
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Jefferson? I hope they catch him and make an example out of him. What the hell does Jefferson know about good governance? All that talk about freedom and rights of man is evidence of his mal intentions. He would have us all working for a living! I say: Give me food stamps or give him death!