Global Warming Killed President Kennedy

John Kennedy before being killed by global warming

John Kennedy before being killed by global warming

As a member of the mainstream media the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel take our responsibility to uncover the truth seriously.

What don’t we take seriously?  Pants.  So constricting.

On November 22, 1963 President Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas.  Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested and charged with the crime.  But from the beginning there have been conspiracy theories regarding who was actually responsible.  After years of extensive research and viewing thousands of previously classified documents, we here at Manhattan Infidel can without a shadow of doubt reveal the true killer of President Kennedy:  Anthropogenic global warming.

Let us examine the facts:

Dallas is in Texas.  Texas is in the United States.  Hence a November day should have been in the 50s.

Yet it was hot and humid that day in Dallas.  Why?

Skeptics say because Texas is in the Southwestern part of the United States and would naturally be warmer than North Dakota or Minnesota.

To those skeptics I say:  Why do you deny science?  Have you become so warped by your hatred of President Obama that you want polar bears to drown?

Let’s examine more facts:

Lee Harvey Oswald was a marine and a socialist who had a long history of supporting progressive causes such as Fair Play for Cuba.  As a progressive socialist Oswald was a lover of peace who naturally abhorred violence, like all elite do.

So why would he assassinate the president?

Let’s take a look at the famous photo of Oswald holding a rifle:

An obviously photoshopped picture

An obviously photoshopped picture

This photo is a fake.  It has been photoshopped.  How do I know this?  I googled “Oswald rifle photo photoshopped” and came up with the real, genuine photo:

This cat did not kill President Kennedy

This cat did not kill President Kennedy

Isn’t this cat adorable?  Doesn’t it make you feel all warm inside?

Who altered the photo of this adorable cat to show Lee Harvey Oswald, progressive socialist, holding a rifle?

The true culprit:  Global warming.

The facts are these:

On or before November 20, 1963, the body of Lee Harvey Oswald, progressive socialist, was taken over by global warming.  This is scientifically possible.  I saw it on the X-Files.

Global warming, consumed with hatred for all life on Earth, and probably Republican, entered the body of Lee Harvey Oswald and using Oswald, killed President Kennedy.

After the assassination he left the body.  Oswald, having no memory of his body being taken over by hate-filled and Republican global warming goes to his death denying he shot the president.

The science is settled.

And so at long last one of the greatest mysteries in American history has been solved.  We now know who really killed President Kennedy.

It has been my honor to bring my readers the truth.

And sorry for sending those photos of me wearing no pants.

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