Bill de Blasio Wins New York City Mayoral Race!

Socialism today!  Socialism tomorrow!  Socialism forever!

Socialism today! Socialism tomorrow! Socialism forever!

Warren Wilhelm, Jr., better known as Bill de Blasio has won a landslide election and will become the next mayor of New York City.

As a well-respected blogger and reporter I was delivering the pizza I was able to gain access to de Blasio’s campaign headquarters and had a front row seat for his acceptance speech, which I now reprint here.  Take it away Mr. Wilhelm.

My fellow New Yorkers.  I have just received a phone call from my opponent, the racist Joe Lhota conceding the election and I am proud to announce that I am the next mayor of New York City!


The people of New York voted for me because they know I, Warren Wilhelm, I mean Bill de Blasio, is the best man for the job.  They voted for me because New Yorkers want to move this city in a new direction.  New Yorkers want a socialist worker’s paradise.  And I am just the man to establish it!


As mayor I promise to pick up the garbage in a socialist, progressive fashion.  I will redistribute the garbage because at some point you have to ask yourself if you already have enough garbage.


As mayor I promise to redistribute crime rates.  Because at some point you have to ask yourself if your neighborhood is too safe.

[slightly less applause]

I am convinced that the path to a new and better world is not capitalism.  The path is socialism.  Accordingly I will be raising taxes on all the fat cats who make more than $75,000 per year. 

I hereby accuse the North American empire of being the biggest menace to our planet!

[wild applause and shouts of “America is evil!”]

I’d like to take this opportunity to talk to the racists who didn’t vote for me.  You are imperialist pawns who attempt to curry favor with Bush-Hitler and you tea baggers can go to hell.

My fellow New Yorkers, does Joe Lhota have a black lesbian wife?

[shouts of “no!”]

If he doesn’t have a black lesbian wife like I do how can he care for the poor, the underprivileged, the minorities?

[shouts of “Lhota is Hitler!]

My son has an Afro!


I’ll say it again.  My son has an Afro!  Come out her son.  Look at that Afro!

Unite behind the Afro!

Unite behind the Afro!

As mayor of this city I want to be known as the mayor with the black lesbian wife and the son with the Afro.  

Yes. I’ll say it again.  My wife not only is a person of color but she is a lesbian.  That’s two weak and helpless minorities wrapped up in one package.  Come out here honey.  Let the people see the black, lesbian First Lady of Nueva York!

Ladies and gentleman I give you the black, lesbian First Lady of Nueva York!

Ladies and gentleman I give you the black, lesbian First Lady of Nueva York!

That’s what New Yorker’s want.  Not garbage pickup on a regular basis.  Not safe streets.  They want a mayor who understands the problems of black lesbians married to a man of Germanic descent who changed his name because de Blasio sounds more ethnic!


And let me close by saying It is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season.  And remember, a shiny new donkey for whomever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya!  Let us save the human race and finish off the American empire!

Thank you Nueva York!


Thankfully it was a relatively short acceptance speech.  I just wish the cheap bastard had tipped me for bringing the pizza.  Come on Bill, redistribute your income!



6 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Everybody wang chung tonight!

  2. My friend, are you the only infidel in Manhatten? So, New Yorkers are tired of liberal Republicans and are going to give a communist Democrat a try. Salvese quien pueda!

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      New Yorkers have apparently forgotten what a shithole the city was to live in during the ’70s and ’80s.

  3. petermc3 says:

    I liked John Lindsey because he was the precursor to Bill Deblasio. I liked Abe Beame because he didn’t have to duck his head when entering or exiting the limo. I liked Ed Koche because he talked funny, I liked David Dinkens because in a pinch he could always be found at the nearest tennis court.
    I didn’t like Giuliani cause he had bad guys arrested and a woman couldn’t even get raped in broad daylight with his pigs doing their jobs.

  4. Matt says:

    I’m getting ready to publish a “Manhattan Infidel gets sent to Gulag,” post.

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