Socialism today! Socialism tomorrow! Socialism forever!

Warren Wilhelm, Jr., better known as Bill de Blasio has won a landslide election and will become the next mayor of New York City.

As a well-respected blogger and reporter I was delivering the pizza I was able to gain access to de Blasio’s campaign headquarters and had a front row seat for his acceptance speech, which I now reprint here.  Take it away Mr. Wilhelm.

My fellow New Yorkers.  I have just received a phone call from my opponent, the racist Joe Lhota conceding the election and I am proud to announce that I am the next mayor of New York City!

[applause]

The people of New York voted for me because they know I, Warren Wilhelm, I mean Bill de Blasio, is the best man for the job.  They voted for me because New Yorkers want to move this city in a new direction.  New Yorkers want a socialist worker’s paradise.  And I am just the man to establish it!

[applause]

As mayor I promise to pick up the garbage in a socialist, progressive fashion.  I will redistribute the garbage because at some point you have to ask yourself if you already have enough garbage.

[applause]

As mayor I promise to redistribute crime rates.  Because at some point you have to ask yourself if your neighborhood is too safe.

[slightly less applause]

I am convinced that the path to a new and better world is not capitalism.  The path is socialism.  Accordingly I will be raising taxes on all the fat cats who make more than $75,000 per year. 

I hereby accuse the North American empire of being the biggest menace to our planet!

[wild applause and shouts of “America is evil!”]

I’d like to take this opportunity to talk to the racists who didn’t vote for me.  You are imperialist pawns who attempt to curry favor with Bush-Hitler and you tea baggers can go to hell.

My fellow New Yorkers, does Joe Lhota have a black lesbian wife?

[shouts of “no!”]

If he doesn’t have a black lesbian wife like I do how can he care for the poor, the underprivileged, the minorities?

[shouts of “Lhota is Hitler!]

My son has an Afro!

[applause]

I’ll say it again.  My son has an Afro!  Come out her son.  Look at that Afro!

Unite behind the Afro!

As mayor of this city I want to be known as the mayor with the black lesbian wife and the son with the Afro.  

Yes. I’ll say it again.  My wife not only is a person of color but she is a lesbian.  That’s two weak and helpless minorities wrapped up in one package.  Come out here honey.  Let the people see the black, lesbian First Lady of Nueva York!

Ladies and gentleman I give you the black, lesbian First Lady of Nueva York!

That’s what New Yorker’s want.  Not garbage pickup on a regular basis.  Not safe streets.  They want a mayor who understands the problems of black lesbians married to a man of Germanic descent who changed his name because de Blasio sounds more ethnic!

[applause]

And let me close by saying It is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season.  And remember, a shiny new donkey for whomever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya!  Let us save the human race and finish off the American empire!

Thank you Nueva York!

[applause]

Thankfully it was a relatively short acceptance speech.  I just wish the cheap bastard had tipped me for bringing the pizza.  Come on Bill, redistribute your income!

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