The bass guitar is a chick magnet!

Mark A., bassist for the Bay City Rollers cover band “If It’s Not Scottish It’s Crap” has announced on his twitter feed that he has obtained a groupie.

“It’s true.  I couldn’t be happier. Me with a groupie!” said the tweet, published at 8:27 pm local time.

Mark A. then went on to describe how they met in further detail on his blog.

We were doing a show at a county fair, opening for Air Supply actually, when I saw this women looking at me.  This is unusual because usually the girls look at the guitarist or the singer. This made me very, very paranoid. But after the show when I was packing up the equipment (usually the roadies do this but they were busy getting autographs from Air Supply) she introduced herself and said she would follow me around anywhere.

The two have been inseparable since, even being spotted doing laundry together at a 24-hour laundromat on a Saturday night.

Mark’s friends couldn’t be happier for him.

“He sometimes gets a chip on his shoulder” said an acquaintance.

He would always say “What’s the singer have that I don’t?  Besides four women every night and enough cocaine to keep Charlie Sheen alive?”  He felt that bassists didn’t get the respect that they deserved. So I’m happy for him.  At least now I won’t have to dread his Saturday night phone calls.  “My cat just did the cutest thing!”  I couldn’t give a damn about his goddamn cat.

Others are concerned that Mark isn’t ready for a groupie.

“With groupies comes great responsibility” said a fellow musician.

Everyone thinks it’s all shits and giggles with groupies but it’s not.  Sometimes it takes hard work.  Like when you find out your groupie is underage, she’s passed out from an overdose in the bathroom and the police are knocking on your door.  I actually had to pay a fine for that.  Bloody wankers.

Still Mark seems more than happy with his new groupie.

Bassists don’t live the life of glamour like other rock musicians.  She’s great because she understands this. Like the other day when she suggested we watch 50 Shades of Grey and I told her I had to clean the grout in the bathroom.  She didn’t object. She just said “I understand.” I think I might be in love.

Mark A. plans to spend every available moment with his new groupie.

It’s a status symbol, having a groupie.  When she is hanging on my arm I’m saying that I belong.  I am a musician.  If I had a bus I’d even give her a seat on the bus. But I don’t.  I have a Ford Windstar.  But she rides shotgun.

Despite the fact that groupies are often viewed as disposable in the rock and roll world, Mark insists his new groupie will be with him forever.

“Until the band plays Poughkeepsie that is.  Poughkeepsie is a city of sin and if I find someone younger who will clean bathroom grout with me, so be it.” 

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“A hit, a very palpable hit” ~ Osric, Hamlet Act V scene II

You can see the suck for miles.

Yankee tradition.  Yankee honor.  Yankee dominance.  Well, that’s what the Yankees used to stand for.  But this is 2014 and the Yankees suck more than Clay Aiken during Fleet Week.

The Yankees having won the first two of a three game series against the Chicago Sox of non color started Chris Capuano (1-3 4.35) and the Sox Chris Sale (10-3 2.12).

The Sox of non color scored first.  Alexei Ramirez led off the top of the first and on the second pitch homered to left field.  1-0 Sox of non color after one.

And so the score stayed 1-0 until the top of the sixth.   After a Jose Abreu single and a strikeout by Avisail Garcia, Conor Gillaspie on a 2-0 pitch hit a two-run home run to right field.  3-0 Sox of non color after 5 1/2

A hush fell over Yankee Stadium.  A hush more deafeningly silent than Barack Obama’s reaction to the slaughter of Christians in the Middle East.

Normally a 3-0 deficit would be insurmountable to the 2014 Yankees.  Just like the debt of the United States, it was a cause for doom and gloom.

But wait!  After Derek Jeter led off with his customary ground out, Martin (pronounced Marteeeeeeeeeen) Prado hit a routine fly ball to left field that should have been the second out but was dropped by left fielder Dayan Viciedo.  (You know they give baseball players funny names nowadays like Who’s on first, What’s on second and I Don’t Know’s on third.)  Mark “Vertigo” Teixeira then doubled Prado home. Carlos Beltran and Francisco Cervelli walked loading the bases.  Right fielder (Over) Zealous Wheeler was hit by the pitch bringing home Teixeira.  Ichiro Suzuki then singled home Beltran and Cervelli.  4-3 Yankees after six.

Would the Yankees pull off a sweep?  Still with the lead closer David Robertson was brought in for the ninth and on the first pitch Avisail Garcia homered to right field.  4-4 after nine.

Extra innings (extra time I believe soccer lovers call it).

After the Sox of non color failed to score in the top of the tenth it was the Yankees turn.  Prado and Teixeira both struck out. Beltran doubled and Chase Headley was intentionally walked so the Sox could pitch to the scheduled batter Francisco Cervelli.  However Cervelli was called back to the dugout for a pitch hitter.  Out stepped Brian McCann (pictured here).

Brian McCann before he started shaving his head.

Would McCann be our savior? The answer is yes.  He hit a walk off three run home run to right field.  Yankees win 7-4.

David Huff (4-1 4-07) got the win for the Yankees while Jake Petricka (0-3 2.57) suffered the loss for Chicago.

Notes on the game:

Your humble blogger was lucky enough not to have to go through the trial metal detectors the Yankees have set up.  Starting next year, however, metal detectors will be required at all entrances to every Major League ballpark.  This is done for our safety of course.  Not because the people running security firms have paid MLB millions of dollars. It’s bad enough I have to take my cap off (in case I am packing a bomb on the top of my head) and empty my pockets (in case I have set up my cell phone to explode).  I shouldn’t have to do this.  No American should. Thank you Homeland Security.

Instead of my normal tickets in the bleachers I was in the upper deck sitting among three rows of a busload from an AA group.  I really wanted a beer but didn’t want to be responsible for 60 people falling off the wagon so I abstained.

The Manhattan Infidel heckle of the game:

My heckle of “Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war” didn’t fire up the crowd.  Though some thought I was talking about pit bulls and screamed in fear.

Reader mail:

W.S. of Stratford-upon-Avon writes, “For Brutus is an honorable man; so are they all, all honorable men.”

He must be talking about government bureaucrats.

A.P of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “Out out brief candle!  Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

Speaking of tales told by idiots full of sound and fury signifying nothing, have you seen MSNBC’s ratings?  Any lower and they’d be Al Jazeera.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My love’s more richer than my tongue.”

Until you get your tongue pierced that is.

Someone who calls themself L.T. of New York writes, “It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.”

I don’t recognize that Shakespeare quote.  Is it from Coriolanus?

Recommended reading material:

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson.

My record this year stands at 4-7.  My next game is Friday September 5th against the Kansas City Royals.  (You know I was in Kansas City once.  I counted 20 gas buggies  going by themselves every time I took a walk. Then I put my ear to Bell telephone and a strange woman started into talk. Everything’s up to date in Kansas City.  They’ve gone about as fur as they can go.)

Go Yankees!

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Without social studies we have to spend more time in gym class.

Completing my series of posts designed to edify my readers by giving them knowledge that they can use in the fundamentally transformed America I now present:  Social studies!

Because without social studies one has to spend more time in gym class.  And I wasn’t good in gym.  In fact I used to be chosen after the girls for team sports. Not that it damaged me psychologically.  It didn’t.  Stop talking about me!  No I didn’t wet my pants!  Leave me alone!

All of these countries have been bombed by the U.S.

• According to the map above, which of the following is true:

1. These countries all have a higher standard of living than Detroit.
2. Lots of practitioners of the Religion of Peace™ live in these countries.
3. The war-like and so-called “Christian” United States will bomb these countries because they hate peoples of color.  Christianity is not the Religion of Peace™ and hatred comes naturally to them.
4. George Bush invaded Afghanistan on no pretense after 9/11.  Thank god Barack Obama bravely got us out.  Because he’s a man of peace.  Just like the Religion of Peace™.
5. All of the above.

• The U.S. Constitution’s establishment of the executive, legislative and judicial branches of government most clearly reflects which principle?

1. White people are racist.
2. White people established a limited government to keep the black man down.
3. If the white man weren’t so racist he would have given all power to one man.
4. I mean really, look at the problems Barack Obama is having trying to transform America with all the opposition from the so-called “legislative” branch?
5. America needs more Hispanics. Hispanic people love socialism and hate limited government.

• In 1945 Soviet writer Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn was arrested and sent to a Soviet prison for criticizing Joseph Stalin. American citizens can protect themselves from such arrests by:

1. The first amendment right to free (yet limited speech).
2. By not criticizing Barack Obama as he struggles to transform America.
3. Seriously.  Do not criticize him.  Dissent is not patriotic.  Dissent is racist.
4. Your opposition to Barack Obama betrays your fear of power falling into the hands of a brown man.
5. By criticizing Barack Obama you have put yourself beyond the pale of polite, progressive society.  You should be shunned as the moral leper that you are.

• The first eight amendments (we won’t mention amendments 9 and 10 since they are racist) to the flawed Constitution were intended to protect the rights of individuals from potential abuses by:

1. The Federal Government.
2. You have nothing to fear from the Federal Government.  Just pay your fair share of taxes and obey the EPA agents who are about to kick down your front door.  All will be fine.
3. Rights of individuals?  That sounds racist.  It takes a village after all.
4. And who are these so-called individuals?
5. White men.  That’s who!  Men who are bitter and cling to guns and religion.  Round them all up they disgust me.

• One result of the spread of Islam was:

1. A new birth of freedom.
2. Women were freed from the burden of making a living and could stay at home.  Because that’s where they belong.
3. Women were freed from the burden of thrusting their hips during sex because, Allah be praised, they were genitally mutilated.
4. Women were freed from the burden of driving a car because they don’t need to be out without the company of a man.
5. Women were freed from the burden of voting, thereby giving them more time to contemplate the fact that if they hadn’t looked at that stranger they might not have had their nose cut off.

• Which statement best summarizes a key argument of the Federalist Papers?

1. Limited government is in the best interest of the white man.
2. State governments should eventually be folded into the Federal government.
3. Once the socialist workers paradise is created the class struggle will be no more; hence state governments will disappear and we will all be answerable directly to a benevolent government in Washington.
4. The better angels in the nature of man will never come to fruition unless the Federal government controls all behavior.
5. Even though the light bulb will not be invented for 100 years, we should outlaw it since the incandescent bulb leads to global warming.

Send your answers to webmaster@manhattaninfidel.com.  Those whose answers are displeasing to our rulers in Washington will be genitally mutilated.

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Washington had to cross a river of ice because of global warming

Continuing with my series designed to educate my readers I now present American history: history that is living, breathing, non-judgmental, inclusive and progressive.

P.S. All these questions are taken from a common core textbook.

• George Washington crossed an icy Delaware River because

1. It was a last-ditch attempt to keep the colonial army together and defeat the enemy.
2. Being a white male of northern European he had an insatiable desire to kill.
3. He wanted to throw poor people of color off their land so he could claim it.
4. He heard a rumor that peoples of color lived in Trenton and he wanted to shoot them.
5. Yes I know they were Hessians but Hessians were the Hispanics of their day:  Loud, filthy, drunk, didn’t speak English and hated by Republicans.

• Why was the Delaware River icebound?

1. It was winter.
2. Global warming.
3. Climate change.
4. For Christ’s sake think about the polar bears.
5. The ice was the tears of those loyal to the British crown (Will and Kate are so sexy!)

• The colonists were angry at the British because

1. They felt their taxes were too high.
2. Damn teabaggers!
3. I mean seriously.  They should have been proud to be part of the British crown (Will and Kate are so sexy!)
4. The British liked the Indians, and the colonists, being racist, hated the Indians and wanted to kill them all.
5. Teabaggers. Racism. Racist teabaggers who felt their taxes were too high.

• Why did the British lose the Revolutionary War?

1. The French sided with the colonists.
2. The British being civilized (Will and Kate are so sexy!) were no match for the guerrilla tactics of the racist colonists.
3. Global warming Climate change.
4. I mean you try winning a war when the climate is changing. It isn’t easy. If only the colonists respected Mother Earth.
5. The racist colonists loved war and were ruthless killers of the civilized (Will and Kate are so sexy!) British.

• After the siege of Yorktown Benjamin Franklin and John Adams traveled to Paris to

1. Negotiate a fair and just peace
2. Drink and whore (preferably with black women)
3. Trick the British (Will and Kate are so sexy) into giving up the colonies.
4. Drink and whore (preferably with transsexuals)
5. 2, 3, and 4.

Please send all your answers to webmaster@manhattaninfidel.com.  I will tally up the scores and those found to be sufficiently non-progressive will be forever banned from reading my living, breathing, non-judgmental, inclusive and progressive blog.

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To survive math must be living and breathing and progressive.

Here at the worldwide headquarters of the journalistic juggernaut that is Manhattan Infidel we strive to provide the latest news not covered by the MSM.  We also strive to better the lives of our readers.  Because a well-informed, sophisticated, knowledgeable reader will be forty percent less likely to call the police after I send them tasteful and artistic selfies.

And with this in mind I now present:  Math.  Math that is living and breathing, growing and progressive.

• Johnny has seven apples.  Billy has three apples.  This means that:

1. Johnny is selfish and should give Billy some of his apples.
2. If Johnny refuses to give Billy his excess apples Billy should get the Federal government involved.  It’s called “Economic patriotism.”
3. Johnny is obviously a capitalist pig.
4. I mean seriously. At a certain point you have to ask yourself if you already have enough apples.
5. Stop coddling Johnny already.  Have a SWAT team take him down.

• What is the Sine, Cosine and Tangent of 87?

1. These are value judgments.  As such they are racist.
2. I don’t know.  They skipped trigonometry in my feminist studies class.
3. I’ll ask the Asian kid
4. No seriously.  Those Asians are good at math.  Probably because they are predisposed to seek order.
5. Mao Tse Tung was the greatest force for equality and socialism the world has ever seen. Do you think he cared about math? He didn’t.

• Please provide the multiplication tables for the numbers one through twenty.

1. Has this question been cleared with the People’s Party Central Headquarters?
2. Because I ain’t answering any question unless it’s been tested and shown to increase my awareness of the class struggle
3. Why is 20 more than one?  Shouldn’t all numbers be equal?
4. Zhou Enlai knew the multiplication tables. But only because he was using the weapons of the bourgeoisie against them.
5. Multiplication tables are incompatible with the progress of socialism in modern times.

• Solve the inequality and graph the solution:  2(z-3) <6

1. I’ll tell you what will solve the inequality:  Have the rich pay higher taxes!
2. If we redistribute the (z-3) will this bring about the socialist worker’s paradise?
3. Your obsession with facts betrays your devotion to the patriarchy!
4. Math along with militarism, the bourgeoisie, bureaucrats, inequality between men and women, obstinate ideas, obsolete morals and old ethics should be abolished or reformed.
5. Solving inequality is as simple as admitting 2 +2 =4.  Once that has been granted all else follows.

• Barbie believes Math is hard.

1. Her mind has been warped by the patriarchy.
2. As a woman Barbie is oppressed and her natural superior intellect has been stunted by exposure to men.
3. Perhaps if Barbie stopped befouling her body with Penis in Vagina sex she would see the absurdity of math.
4. Barbie is too busy preparing for her sorority’s SlutWalk to care about the white man’s math.
5. The only way for Barbie to free herself from the fascism of math is to become a lesbian.

Please email your answers to webmaster@manhattaninfidel.com.  Those whose answers betray the cultural awakening of socialism will be turned into their local party headquarters for reeducation.

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