Borg Collective Goes Co-op!

Prime real estate with a view!

Prime real estate with a view!

The Borg Collective have announced that they will be converting many of their “Cube” spaceships into co-ops starting next Spring.

“I don’t have to tell you that traveling throughout space assimilating cultures is expensive” said the Borg Queen.

Our ships don’t run on prairie farts and pixie dust.  They need a source of energy. Also our hive mind isn’t exactly bringing in any income.  It’s collective, socialist and compassionate but not a money maker.  So a change needed to be made.  Sources of income had to be utilized.  One day I was walking through one of our cubes talking to a human we were about to assimilate and he asked me how much a corner studio would be.  I threw out a price and he said, “Wow.  That would be twice as much in the Village.”  I have no idea what this “Village” is he speaks about. He said it was in a place called “Manhattan.”

Needing cash fast to maintain their fleet of cubes the Borg decided to sell space. At first it was just ads.

Something called “eHarmony” paid us a lot of money to put billboards on our cubes. They even gave me a free membership.  For a weekend.  What’s up with that? Either it’s free or it’s not. And we also got a lot of anti-smoking advertisements. That brought in some money but we needed more.

As a trial, empty space aboard a few cubes were sold as living quarters.  The trial was not without its share of glitches.

Location location location as you humans say.  We had to mark down the first units because many were hesitant to move all the way to the Delta Quadrant.  I mean come on.  Our prices already were pretty low. We finally sold one and when he shows up all he wanted to know was if there were any antique stores nearby.  “My husband and I like to go antiquing on weekends” he told me.  They were pretty annoying. So once we got their money we assimilated them.

Frequently potential buyers asked if a gym membership was included in the price of the co-op.

“The Borg don’t do gyms.  Weak biological units do gyms.  We are the Borg” I kept telling them. Well that answer didn’t go down too well.  The buyers all pulled out. So we partnered up with something called “Crunch” and we placed gyms on our all cubes.  That attracted a few buyers.

Another issue the Borg had to deal with was Wi-Fi.

That was one thing everyone was very concerned about.  Could they get Wi-Fi when they were sipping cappuccinos?  By the way, what the hell is a cappuccino?  Anyway at first we didn’t have an answer but then the humans started plugging their mobile devices into our Borg.  The Borg didn’t like that.  Still don’t.  It drains them but I kept telling them that we needed their money.  I didn’t mind the PC users but the Apple users were annoying.  The Borg have USB outlets so the people with macbooks kept asking if there was an Apple store around so they could buy a USB to thunderbolt adapter.

Despite the problems with the Cube co-op rollout the Borg have no plans on stopping the program.

Look we need the money.  Do I want to go co-op?  Of course not. Do I want hordes of cappuccino sipping hipsters in cut-offs littering our Cubes?  No. But sometimes the collective has to adapt.  If this keeps us in business so be it.

Studios aboard the Borg cubes start at $75,000 with one bedrooms going for $125,000.  Gym membership is included and Wi-Fi is available at selected locations.


3 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    We’re light years ahead of the Borg. We merely knock down our horse stables and build 200 sqft units for the section eighters and 4,000sgft units for the homeless millionaire elites. Speaking of which where the hell did mayor what’s his name, the one married to the pygmy, scurry off to?

  2. Just one question. Do they accept bolivares? I want a unit on one of the ten edges of the cube. I always like living on the edge.

  3. LSP says:

    Nothing like a bit of tip-top real estate on the Island.

    I, for one, look forward to the assimilation of Chelsea. Oh! Sorry! It’s been sold.

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