This man would still be alive today if it weren’t for Republicans!

The long awaited Warren Commission review of the events of President Kennedy’s assassination has finally been released and, as expected, it proves to be controversial.

The Commission’s main finding is that President Kennedy could have survived the assassination attempt if only the Republican congress hadn’t  instituted budget cuts to the Secret Service.

• Page 54 of the report cites the head of the Secret Service as saying, “Normally we wouldn’t worry one bit about the President’s safety.  However with the divided political climate of America the Republicans had voted for drastic budget cuts to our service. All in the name of so-called fiscal austerity. But we know the real reason they did this. President Kennedy favors civil rights and Republicans hate black people.”
• Page 29 mentions that the Presidential motorcade would have had four agents surrounding the car to “shield him in the event of a threat to his life or if he just wanted some afternoon delight from Jackie in the back seat.”  However, because of the budget cuts no agents were available for the President’s car.  A minimum amount of agents were assigned and had to ride in a follow up car.
• Page 88 talks about a Secret Service experiment to find the perfect foot gear for their agents.  “I don’t have to tell you being on your feet in dress shoes can hurt.  And what if, god forbid, an agent was involved in a foot chase with an assassin. “  Using the most advance technology the Secret Service was on the verge of inventing what would be known as “the running shoe”  
  

  Could these sneakers have saved President Kennedy’s life? Because of Republican budget cuts we’ll never know.

  and deploying them to all agents.  But, because of Republican budget cuts the agents that fateful day were wearing shoes.  Who knows if Agent Clint Hill, who was riding in the follow up car and famously ran to the limo could have gotten there in time to save the president if he had been wearing sneakers.

• Page 63 mentions cuts to the Secret Service “Gun Free Zone” poster program.
  

  A sign like this could have save President Kennedy’s life.

  “The idea was to place signs all along the parade route that said ‘Gun Free Zone.’  It was hoped that the moral authority of these signs would deter a potential assassin.  But again, because of Republican budget cuts these signs were never deployed. Who knows. If Lee Harvey Oswald had seen one of these signs he might have decided not to shoot the President.”

• And finally page 121 of the report is devoted to the Secret Service’s “Operation Helmet.” “The idea behind this was to use existing helmet technology to protect the President.  We had bought helmets from the NFL and tested them on agents. They all survived albeit with nasty concussions. We were going to have President Kennedy wear one in Dallas but Republicans cut funding to buy helmets for field operations.”  
  

  Could this helmet have saved the President?

   The Secret Service is confident that if Kennedy were wearing a helmet he would have survived.

Given the evidence it seems clear that President Kennedy’s life was sacrificed due to partisan politics.

Coming next in the Warren Report: Lee Harvey Oswald.  Framed Socialist Martyr.

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Do you ever wonder why lesbians get fat? We have.

With the Ebola outbreak and the possibility of Americans dying of this disease, attention has focused on the National Institutes of Health (NIH).  Recently the director of the NIH, Dr. Francis Collins was quoted as saying that a vaccine for Ebola could have been found if not for budget cuts.

With this in mind I have obtained the NIH budget for the year 2014 to see if there is anything in the budget they could cut to allocate more for Ebola research.  My findings indicate that sadly, nothing can be cut.

In fiscal year 2014 the NIH spent:

• $325,555 for a study that found that wives would be happier if they could calm down faster during arguments with their husbands.
• $623,152 was spent to determine why people like watching Seinfeld
• $494,193 spent  to study why lesbians get fat.
• $800,000 to determine if Dick York or Dick Sargent was the better Darrin on Bewitched.
• $250,338 to find out why Olivia Wilde will not sleep with Manhattan Infidel.
• $188,000 to see if rabbits could be taught trigonometry.
• $241,583 to find out if the walrus really was Paul.
• $136,288 to determine if the Beatles “Magical Mystery Tour” or the Monkees “Head” better exemplified “The Spirit of the ’60s.”
• $35,000 to determine why Alec Baldwin is an asshole.
• $43,000 to determine if Kiefer Sutherland is a bigger asshole than Alec Baldwin
• $87,448 on whether the zombie apocalypse can be prevented with bug spray, cold cuts and season six of Dallas.
• $24,000 on research into getting fat lesbians thinner so we will want to see them naked.
• $37,135 on video equipment to film formerly fat lesbians who are now hot and thin lesbians having sex with their hot and thin lesbian partners.
• $96,538 to see if the plot of the James Bond movie Moonraker is “scientifically probable.”
• $900 allocated for buying ties at Bloomingdales during a business trip to New York City.
• $28.17 for Moo shu pork and General Tso’s chicken.
• $45,000 to determine if Shia LaBeouf is a bigger asshole than either Kiefer Sutherland or Alec Baldwin.
• $2,500 on research into whether the NFL should institute the designated hitter.
• $15,358 to find out if competitive eaters are really athletes or just exhibitionist fat f*cks.
• $3,500,000 to research if formerly fat lesbians who are now thin and hot and like to have sex with other thin and hot lesbians will let men participate.
• $6,000,000 on whether formerly fat lesbians who are now thin and hot and like to have sex with other thin and hot lesbians while letting men participate will be happier if they calmed down faster during arguments with their spouses.
• $14,950 on researching an Ebola vaccine.

After reviewing the evidence I must ask congress to increase the NIH’s budget.  Everything on this list is a necessity and if they had more money perhaps they could allocate more to researching an Ebola cure.  Just don’t touch the lesbian funding.

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Another senseless gun shooting in Canada!

The entire world was shocked today by a senseless shooting at Canada’s parliament building in Ottawa.  Reports indicate that one or possibly three or more shooters opened fire and killed a Canadian soldier.

Like many in the mainstream media here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we were saddened by another act of gun violence and we place the blame exactly where it belongs:  Canada’s reckless and out of control wild west gun culture.

How many more Canadians must die before Canada enacts strict gun control laws?

As I write this the situation in Ottawa is described as “fluid, ongoing and dynamic.”   No wait, that’s my prostate.

The Capital has been locked down and people are advised to avoid downtown.  Canadian SWAT teams patrol the area.

I ask you as Americans can we tolerate violence such as this on our northern border?  How long before the wild west mentality of Canada infects our nation?

Canada has to answer for its racism, its anti-tax teabagism and its gun culture.

Now I don’t mean this as a blanket condemnation of all Canadians.  There is much to admire in Canadian culture:  Their bacon for instance.  And lest we forget Canada also gave us Monty Hall. And some other stuff that I can’t think of right now.  But it’s probably something involving ice trucking.

No, not all Canadians are to blame.

Just the conservative right wing, anti-woman, anti-science, anti-gay marriage, anti-tax teabaggers.

What kind of person in the 21st century still believes that private citizens should carry weapons?

I call upon the Canadian Prime Minister, the Right Honorable Stephen Harper to unilaterally enact the strictest gun control laws the world has ever seen.

Hitler, for all his faults, was committed to the cause of gun control.

Let it not be said that we lagged behind him in this.

If Mr. Harper will not do this then I ask that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo have the New York National Guard invade Canada to enact the necessary laws.

After all, Cuomo enacted the Safe Laws that keep New York State safe.

Let him do the same in Canada.

Maybe his wise leadership can finally change the gun culture in Canada.

Then and only then can Canada go back to doing what it does best:  losing the Stanley Cup, politely and without a hint of gun violence.

Then and only then can Canada once again be an example to the world of toleration of despised minorities.  (I’m looking at all you Frenchies in Quebec.)

Hopefully a year from now we can look back at this event as the day the Canada said no more to gun violence.

Now if they would only say no more to Neil Young.

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The face of racism

With the United States on the verge of a possible Ebola outbreak, civil rights leaders gathered in Washington demanding answers.

“Why have all the Ebola victims been black?” asked the reverend Al Sharpton.

Why didn’t the Ebola outbreak happen in Sweden or Norway?  I’ll tell you why. Ebola hates black people!  Why did the Ebola outbreak start in Africa? Viruses hate black people!  Whenever I see a black man with Ebola I think of Bull Connor aiming fire hoses at black people.  There’s no difference.  No difference whatsoever.  Just like Tawana Brawley was raped by white district attorneys, the so-called Ebola virus is raping black people today!

After reverend Sharpton finished speaking Jesse Jackson took the stage.

“The white man used to hang us” he said.

Now they let the Ebola virus do it. I will not rest until this racist virus is wiped out. If Ebola cannot be wiped out I ask the Ebola virus to contribute money to the Rainbow Coalition.  Only by giving me money, I mean giving the Rainbow Coalition money will my outrage cease. And I am outraged!  Outraged that in the 21st century a virus like Ebola can blatantly get away with attacking black people. Brothers across the United States will rise up in their righteous anger to demand an end to this virus’ unfair attacks on black people.

Former Attorney General Eric Holder then addressed the crowd and asked for an honest discussion of Ebola.

This is a nation of cowards.  We refuse to talk about Ebola.  We refuse to think about the historical wrongs of this virus.  It is slavery revisited.  Virus slavery!  And we as a people do not have to stand for it anymore.

The crowd, estimated by impartial news sources to be close to eight billion then marched on the Capitol building while chanting,“Hey, Ho! Ebola virus has got to go!”

Once at the Capitol they were met by majority leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) who promised to do everything in his power to see that the Ebola virus is brought to justice.

We in the Democratic party have heard your cries and we are going to help you. The Ebola will not get away with this.  I plan to introduce a bill in the senate that would confiscate the income of the Koch brothers.  I know they have to be behind this.  Perhaps they funded Ebola research in their secret laboratory.  But rest assured.  The Ebola virus will be defeated and I call upon my Republican colleagues to admit their guilt in this matter.

Meanwhile President Obama, reacting to the protest said that he plans to lead from behind in the fight against Ebola.

“It’s a dangerous virus” declared the president.

So I would urge all blacks to play golf at an all-white private country club. I don’t have Ebola and I’m confident that what works for me will work for you as well. Scientists tell me that this is a good way to avoid infection.

In a related note the Joint Chiefs of Staff have announced that predator drones will be launched in Africa with the purpose of bringing Ebola to the bargaining table.

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This white, upper middle class lesbian’s lifestyle has been damaged by having a half-white child

A white lesbian couple from Ohio is suing a sperm bank for giving them wrong sperm.

“I bought their catalog and I ordered no. 380 which would have given me and my partner a blonde-haired blue-eyed child” said the despondent Jennifer Cramblett.

Instead after I had been inseminated I was told that a mistake had been made. They had given me no. 330 instead, which was from a black donor.  Now I have a half-white child!  Do you realize what that means to our lifestyle?  I have to travel out of my way to a black neighborhood to get my child’s hair cut!  All me and my partner wanted was a normal life with a normal child.  And now our child is black.  I ask you is that fair?

As to why Cramblett and her partner Amanda Zinkon wanted a blue-eyed, blonde-haired child, Cramblett said it had nothing to do with race.

We’re both progressives, mind you.  It wouldn’t have mattered if our child was born brunette. Even if it had been a ginger we still would have given the ginger a loving home. Unless it showed signs of demonic possession that is.  But I am blond. Amanda is blond.  It was convenient that the child be blond so the backwards, judgmental folk in Ohio would think that the sperm had been donated by one of us. Otherwise they’d reject the child.

Because of their non blond-haired, blue-eyed child the couple has had to move out of their elite white neighborhood and seek a home in a mixed-raced neighborhood to avoid discrimination against their daughter.

Why must my child suffer?  Granted she isn’t blond-haired and blue-eyed but we still care for her.  And moving into this mixed raced neighborhood has been hard.  I didn’t even meet any black people until college.  I have a steep learning curve adjusting to their culture.

Because of the sperm bank’s error Ms. Cramblett and her partner are suing for $50,000.

Having read the plight of this couple I decided I had to weigh in.

Living in a predominantly Hispanic area of Manhattan I can sympathize with Ms. Cramblett. Non white hair is strange. And nonwhites do have odd habits.  I can see how difficult it must be to expect a white child and then be delivered a child who has an Afro.

However she has a point.  She is a paying customer and was delivered a defective product. Who hasn’t returned food in a restaurant when it wasn’t what they ordered.

A designer child is no different than a food order.

Lest we feel sympathy for the child, Ms. Cramblett and her partner are clearly the victims here. A white child was not delivered.  No white child!  No peace!

And lest my readers think I am making this up:

Help! My Child Is Only Half-White!

Since the child is half-white I suggest the couple return the defective product to the sperm bank and request their proper order. If this cannot be done then perhaps the sperm bank can give Ms. Cramblett and her partner some complementary breath mints or a free dinner at Arbys.

It’s a question of social justice!

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I thought you liked me?????

With the midterm elections weeks away I have decided to publish emails sent from that super creepy stalker:  The Democratic Party.

The emails from the DNC started innocently enough.

Hi Manhattan Infidel.  I just thought I’d send you this email. I hope your day’s going well.  Hopefully you have air conditioning so you’re not too effected by climate change!  Just wanted to say that I’m really looking forward to the midterm elections, especially since I know I can count on your vote.  President Obama can count on your vote!

I really admire your writing.

Hope all is well!

The Democratic National Committee.

I was a little perturbed by this email but let it go.  I just figured if I didn’t respond the DNC would become discouraged and move on.  I now know that’s not the way to handle a stalker. They didn’t leave me alone.  I soon received a second email:

I don’t know if any of my messages are getting through to you.  Have you received them?  I left messages on your answering machine as well.  I’m really looking forward to seeing you on election day pulling the lever for the Democrats.  If you vote Democratic then I’ll know things are still okay between us.  I want things to be right between us.

Let’s remember the good times!

The Democratic National Committee.

It was at this point that I became totally uncomfortable with my relationship with the DNC and sent a message saying that I was registering as a Libertarian.  The reply was immediate:

I don’t think you’re making a rational decision here if you think the Libertarian Party is the answer.  Will the Libertarian party intervene abroad to defeat our enemies who claim to speak for Islam?  Will the Libertarian party enact speech codes on campus to protect those who find free speech offensive?  I think you’re beautiful, smart and charming and I want you to vote Democratic.  Barack Obama himself said to me that he finds you charming and needs you to help him on election day.

Why are you ignoring me?  What did I do?  I need you badly.  If I don’t hear from you then I’ll assume it’s over.  I won’t email you.  I”ll pretend you don’t exist. (However I might tell the IRS about you.)

Best of luck to you.  Even if I’m angry I still mean it.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to be a witness at a same sex marriage.

The Democratic National Committee.

Finally I thought. The DNC is going to leave me alone.  I was too optimistic.

Hi. How are you?  I know I said I’d never contact you again but I feel we have a connection. We share the same values.  Remember that time you voted for Dukakis?  It can be like that again.  Please, please, please.  I”m begging you.  Vote Democratic!  Barack Obama needs you  He told me that if you vote Democrat he will send you a shirtless photo of him!  You’d like that, wouldn’t you?  I know I would.

Here’s hoping you vote Democratic.

The Democratic National Committee.

I finally had had too much and contacted the police who brought the DNC in for questioning.  I soon received this email:

You slut! You’re a f#*ing whore!  NOBODY PUTS THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE IN A CORNER!  I hope your candidates lose the election.  It’ll serve you right.  Then you’ll come crawling back to me on your knees (a position a slut like you is probably very familiar with.)

I have had to change my email address and I’ve noticed a member of the DNC hanging around my building.  Things may get ugly.  If you do not hear from me readers, promise me you’ll contact the police and bring the DNC to justice!

Manhattan Infidel

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