This man may be slightly dead

North Korea’s Supreme dictator Kim Jong-Un has not been seen in public in over two months and there are fears that the secretive leader has been deposed or assassinated.

“There are many things that could be wrong” said a spokesman with the CIA’s Department of Just Guessing About Shit.

We really have no solid evidence what has happened to him. But this wouldn’t be the first time a supreme dictator has gone missing. His father disappeared for 80 days because of a stroke.  We have no evidence that his son is in bad health though he is corpulent enough to be linebacker in the NFL.  Corpulent but not big enough. But being overweight and nearsighted he might be in an unknown location training to be a major league umpire.  We don’t really know.  As I said, we’re just guessing at things here.

Others suggest that Jong-Un has holed himself up at his family compound because of a sex scandal.

“He’s quite the ladies man” said an expert on Asian affairs.

Women love his look, his style, his power and confidence.  I don’t need to tell you that women find confidence very sexy.  And if they don’t sleep with him they get executed.  That might be an incentive for relations.  If he were a Republican I’d call him a sexual predator.

In support of the sexual scandal theory agents point to intelligence that just before he disappeared, Jung-Un asked for 200 bottles of anti-lice shampoo for “down there” in addition to his usual order of Donald Duck cartoons.

Some suggest that he has secluded himself trying to establish social justice and the perfect workers paradise on Earth.

“He has a lot on his plate” said John Brennan, director of the CIA.

He’s a man of compassion.  A man of socialism.  There is much to admire in the North Korean system. Full health benefits for everyone.  Guaranteed employment for everyone.  Usually in concentration camps but it is work.  I’d go live there myself but eating grass upsets my stomach.

Still despite the sexual scandal and hard-working socialist with a lot on his plate theories, most assume he has been removed from power.

“Our evidence, and I must stress we have no evidence of our evidence” said Brennan

suggests he has been deposed. It’s a well-known fact that North Korea’s generals have been upset with Jong-Un since the reality series Survivor declined his offer to film their next season in North Korea.  We have testimony from a defector, oddly a defector from Northern Ireland but still a defector, that Jong-Un may have been slightly shot in the back of the head.  Or stripped naked and slightly fed to wolves. Or slightly buried in concrete until he slightly suffocated.  But being only slightly dead we still expect him to make a public appearance soon.  Or slightly soon.

President Obama in the meantime has called upon North Korea to furnish proof of life.

“I sent him my entire Warner Brothers cartoon collection.  The short, fat Korean better be alive!”

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