Climate change martyr Leonardo DiCaprio

Chapter Three

To the Church of Climate Change in Philadelphia

And to the angel of the Church at Philadelphia write:  Thus says he who has the seven Priuses: I know thy works:  Thou has the name of being alive but you are Philadelphia.  Nuff said. W.C. Fields was right about you. 2. For I do not find your works of preventing climate change complete. 3.  Remember therefore the socialist climate change constitution that was written in your town and repent. Therefore if thou wilt not watch I will come upon thee as a thief and sell your McMansions to Arabs.  4.  But thou has a few persons at Philadelphia who have defiled themselves with high-flush toilets and thermostats raised up.  They shall not walk with me in the Church of Climate Change; for they are not worthy. 5.  He who overcomes I will confess his name before the church of Climate Change and their angels.

To the Church of Climate Change in Harrisburg

6. And to the angel of the Church of Climate change in Harrisburg write:  Thus says he who sold his TV station to Arabs:  7.  You guys are a city?  Seriously. I’ve never even heard of Harrisburg. Never mind. Just keep banning plastic and 100-watt light bulbs. 8.  But I hear you are loyal to my Church and I will keep thee from the hour of trial, which is about to come upon the whole world.  Even though you are pretty far from the sea and don’t have to worry about rising sea levels.  I mean haven’t you ever seen The Day After Tomorrow?  It was a good flick and preached my message.  Jake Gylenhaal was in it.  And that hot chick  who now stars in Shameless. 9. He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of my Church, and never more shall he go outside.  Not that he’d want to, with climate change the Earth will be a desert. Or ice.  One of the two. I’m a little hazy on specifics but climate change.  Hey!

To the Church of Climate Change in Boston

10.  And to the angel of the Church at Boston write:  Thus says the man who sold his TV station to Arabs:  I know thy accent: I find it annoying.  Did you paak your caaah? But you won’t need to do that anymore after we ban private modes of transportation.  Climate change. Hey! 11.  I am about to vomit thee out of my mouth, like that time I had a DiGiorno’s thick crust pizza.  12.  Thou sayest:  I am progressive and grown wealthy and have no need of CFL light bulbs.  13.  I counsel thee to buy CFLs from a provider I have a financial interest in that the shame of thy nakedness may not appear. 14.  Though it might be hard to see with 40 watt light bulbs.  But climate change. Hey! 15. As for me those whom I love I direct to retailers I own who will give you a discount on your CFLs and low flush toilets.  Be earnest therefore and repent of using too much carbon.  16.  Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man listens to my voice and opens the door I will come in to him and sup with him.  Just make sure your supper is gluten free.  My stomach is sensitive and I’ve been defecating bricks lately.  

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit of Climate Change says to the Churches!

[To be continued]

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