Manhattan Infidel Presents The Official National Institutes of Health Budget for 2014

Do you ever wonder why lesbians get fat?  We have.

Do you ever wonder why lesbians get fat? We have.

With the Ebola outbreak and the possibility of Americans dying of this disease, attention has focused on the National Institutes of Health (NIH).  Recently the director of the NIH, Dr. Francis Collins was quoted as saying that a vaccine for Ebola could have been found if not for budget cuts.

With this in mind I have obtained the NIH budget for the year 2014 to see if there is anything in the budget they could cut to allocate more for Ebola research.  My findings indicate that sadly, nothing can be cut.

In fiscal year 2014 the NIH spent:

  • $325,555 for a study that found that wives would be happier if they could calm down faster during arguments with their husbands.
  • $623,152 was spent to determine why people like watching Seinfeld
  • $494,193 spent  to study why lesbians get fat.
  • $800,000 to determine if Dick York or Dick Sargent was the better Darrin on Bewitched.
  • $250,338 to find out why Olivia Wilde will not sleep with Manhattan Infidel.
  • $188,000 to see if rabbits could be taught trigonometry.
  • $241,583 to find out if the walrus really was Paul.
  • $136,288 to determine if the Beatles “Magical Mystery Tour” or the Monkees “Head” better exemplified “The Spirit of the ’60s.”
  • $35,000 to determine why Alec Baldwin is an asshole.
  • $43,000 to determine if Kiefer Sutherland is a bigger asshole than Alec Baldwin
  • $87,448 on whether the zombie apocalypse can be prevented with bug spray, cold cuts and season six of Dallas.
  • $24,000 on research into getting fat lesbians thinner so we will want to see them naked.
  • $37,135 on video equipment to film formerly fat lesbians who are now hot and thin lesbians having sex with their hot and thin lesbian partners.
  • $96,538 to see if the plot of the James Bond movie Moonraker is “scientifically probable.”
  • $900 allocated for buying ties at Bloomingdales during a business trip to New York City.
  • $28.17 for Moo shu pork and General Tso’s chicken.
  • $45,000 to determine if Shia LaBeouf is a bigger asshole than either Kiefer Sutherland or Alec Baldwin.
  • $2,500 on research into whether the NFL should institute the designated hitter.
  • $15,358 to find out if competitive eaters are really athletes or just exhibitionist fat f*cks.
  • $3,500,000 to research if formerly fat lesbians who are now thin and hot and like to have sex with other thin and hot lesbians will let men participate.
  • $6,000,000 on whether formerly fat lesbians who are now thin and hot and like to have sex with other thin and hot lesbians while letting men participate will be happier if they calmed down faster during arguments with their spouses.
  • $14,950 on researching an Ebola vaccine.

After reviewing the evidence I must ask congress to increase the NIH’s budget.  Everything on this list is a necessity and if they had more money perhaps they could allocate more to researching an Ebola cure.  Just don’t touch the lesbian funding.



2 Responses

  1. The CDC is as good a place as any to waste our tax dollars. Maybe they should investigate ways to help liberals extract their heads from those dark and smelly places.

  2. LSP says:

    Those are pretty interesting stats. I vote for Head. But that’s just me.

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