10 Dec 14

My Emotional Support Hooker

Manhattan Infidel's emotional support sex workers

Manhattan Infidel’s emotional support sex workers

Lately on the news there have been lots of stories about “emotional support” animals, which are quite different from service dogs for the blind or those confined to wheelchairs.  Basically an “emotional support” animal can be a dog, pig or even an alpaca that a human needs with him to provide relief from emotional stress. Recently a US Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Los Angeles was forced to land when a woman’s “emotional support” dog took two giant dumps in the aisle, sickening passengers

With this incident in mind I have decided, as the brave member of the MSM that I am, to test the boundaries of “emotional support” animals.  I hired an emotional support prostitute to attend to my needs.

Now taking into account that prostitution is still illegal I dotted my x’s and o’s and had my emotional support hooker registered at the Emotional Support Animal Database of New York.  It only cost 20 dollars and I received the following card in the mail:

To whom it may concern:

Manhattan Infidel is a blogger and has been evaluated for and diagnosed with a mental health disorder. His psychological condition affects daily life activities, ability to cope, and maintenance of psychological stability. 

Manhattan Infidel has an emotional support sex worker that provides significant emotional support, and ameliorates the severity of symptoms that affect his daily ability to fulfill his responsibilities and goals. Without the companionship, support, and care-taking activities of his emotional support sex worker, his mental health and daily living activities are compromised.

Card in hand I traveled to Hunt’s Point in the Bronx and hired an emotional support sex worker. I then took her to various places in Manhattan to gauge my fellow Gothamites’ reaction.  Would they be liberal?  Would they be tolerant?

I first took my emotional support sex worker to a school playground.  I found that the residents of Manhattan were true to their reputation as an enlightened, tolerant peoples. My emotional sex worker was able to “relieve” my stress without interruption.  Though one schoolteacher (probably an intolerant teabagger) asked me why I had brought a Kardashian to the school ground.

My second stop with my emotional sex worker was at a subway station.  As my emotional support sex worker proceeded to de-stress me no one in the subway station batted an eye. One police offer however did ask us what we were doing.  I thought we were finally going to be arrested but when I produced the card explaining that this was my emotional support sex worker the officer left us alone, his only concern that she buy a Metrocard.

So far New Yorkers had lived up to my fondest wishes.  They truly were a tolerant, enlightened and progressive people.

For my final test I decided to bring my emotional support sex worker to a restaurant while I wore a “Ron Paul for President 2016″ t shirt.

The prices of the entrees had me very stressed so I had my emotional support worker do her job. As she was de-stressing me I became aware that people were staring at my shirt.

“He’s one of them!” someone shouted.

“How dare you wear that t shirt here!” shouted another.

The crowd around me grew and started to get threatening.  For the safety of my emotional support sex worker and myself I felt it was time to leave.  Just not yet.

“Can you wait another 30 seconds?  I’m almost there” I pleaded to no avail.

We soon found ourselves being chased by an angry mob of progressives.

“Kill him.  He hates black people!’ and “Kill him. He won’t pay his fair share of taxes” were just two of the the shouts I heard.

They chased me into an alleyway where I thought I was going to be killed.  With nothing to lose I grabbed the nearest things I could find to defend myself. In this case it was a discarded DVD of Al Gore’s Academy Award winning documentary,“An Inconvenient Truth” and a copy of “Dreams of My Father” and threw them at the angry, progressive crowd.

They  huddled around what I had thrown, silent and awe-struck.

With their attention fastened on the gifts, my emotional support sex worker and I were able to escape.

The verdict?  New Yorkers, for the most part, are the tolerant people they are made out to be.

I’d like to conclude this post on a personal note:  Since my foray about town with my emotional support sex worker I have had to go into hiding.  It turns out that my emotional support sex worker’s emotional support pimp wants his money.  So post may be less frequent in the future.

The Manhattan Infidel

(701)

1 Comment
Filed in General insanity
  Posted by
9 Dec 14

Responding to Complaints Superman to Wear Undies Inside Tights

Hey, I like this look but if my public wants me to change it then I guess I will

Hey, I like this look but if my public wants me to change it then I guess I will

Responding to complaints from parents, popular superhero Superman has announced that he will wear his underwear beneath his tights from now on.

“Look I personally like this look” said the caped hero.

I’ve been wearing it like this since college. It was something of a fad then.  Batman and I decided to wear our underwear outside our tights.  We called ourselves “The Outsiders.”  We liked the name and it stuck.  We used to do a lot of stuff together in college.  Some of it I don’t want to talk about.  But I understand if parents are complaining. It’s a new generation.

Sources say that dissatisfaction with Superman’s look came to a head when he stopped to save some children that were drowning after their school bus ended up in a lake. After pulling the bus out of the lake and ensuring that the children were safe Superman stayed long enough for the parents to pick up their kids. Many children complained to their parents that they had seen the Superhero’s underwear and that they were afraid that he might be a sexual predator.

The parents really let me have it.  They told me never to touch their children. They also called me a dirty old man.  I don’t know.  Call me old fashioned but some gratitude might have been nice.  I mean I just saved their freaking brats from drowning. You know I’d hang up my tights and forget about this superhero thing but the only other job skill I have is computers.  God knows I don’t want to do that.

Chastened by the parents reaction Superman flew back to his Fortress of Solitude (actually a studio on Manhattan’s Upper East side) and made some calls.

I saved a fashion designer from choking on his boyfriend once so he owed me a favor.  I said I needed a new look.  So he says the first thing I’d have to do is start wearing my underwear inside. I was reluctant to that that because just between us I liked the feel of the tights on my testicles.  It was kind of a turn on. But I get it. Times change.  So I’ll wear the underwear inside. Then he told me to stop putting BrylCreem in my hair and to grow a beard. Maybe wear jeans and my shirt untucked. I told him I’d agree to wear my underwear inside but I ain’t no damn hipster.

Relieved that his makeover wasn’t too drastic Superman began showing up at crime scenes in his new look.

The reviews have been pretty good. People are saying things like “about time” and “welcome to the 21st century.”  I’m eager to put the old look behind me.  And frankly now that my underwear is inside I won’t have to deal with the wise ass comments.

Superman’s only worry now is how he’ll break the news to Batman who is still wearing his underwear on the outside.

I’ll just tell him that we aren’t in college anymore. He’ll understand.  At least I think he will.  I don’t talk to him much nowadays. Frankly he’s turned into a Debby Downer. He’s always so dark and portentous. Come on will ya? Lighten up!

If his new look is accepted by everyone Superman is planning on more changes.

“Maybe I’ll finally marry that Lois Lane girl.  Boy, won’t that make Batman jealous!”

(804)

7 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
8 Dec 14

A Manhattan Infidel Exclusive: New York City Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage name Bill de Blasio) Gives Advice to His Son

Avoid police. And Harlem.

Avoid police. And Harlem.

With the acquittal of the officer who put Eric Garner in a choke hold New York City remains tense.  Tall, socialist freak Warren Wilhelm Jr. (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) spoke emotionally of the toll of being black has on his son and the advice he gave him about how to avoid the NYPD.

Using my contacts I have exclusively acquired a memo filled with advice Wilhelm Jr. sent to his son, Dante.  I reproduce it here in full.

To my son Dante:

As you may be aware you are part black.  And as you also are no doubt aware your blackness places a special burden upon you.  Many things I, as a white person take for granted, you will be unable to do.  Simple joys like having my limo driver speed through the streets. Showing up late for a memorial of a plane crash. Dinner at Elaines or The Russian Tea Room. Vacations in the Hamptons or Martha’s Vineyard. I, because of my white skin, can do all these things like all white people do. But you, because of the burden your black skin and Afro place on you, will probably not be able to experience these.

Here are a few practical rules for you:

  • Avoid the police.  They are the enemy.  They will want to punish you for your affliction. Do not talk to them.  They are not your friend.
  • When my police bodyguard comes to pick you up from school, raise your arms above your head and say, “Don’t shoot.  My daddy is white.”  This may hold off the blood lust of the white police officer.
  • When my police bodyguard drops you off at school remember to duck and cover.  Who knows. They might try to shoot you in the back.
  • When waiting at a private heliport for a police helicopter to take you to a fundraiser (I love showing off your authentic Afro to my donors) remember to speak respectfully to the police.  They will interpret your tone of voice as fear. Cops like this. (I’m sure the advice I’ve given you so far applies to all your friends of color.)
  • When attending a protest march blocking traffic after a police officer kills a person while enforcing tax laws that we passed try not rile up the man.  You may be the mayor’s son but you still suffer from your black affliction. I don’t want to have to use proceeds from a 10,000 dollar a plate fundraiser to bail you out.  It would be politically embarrassing.
  • In short, avoid the police-man at every possible opportunity.  Unless they are part of the detail assigned to protect you.  To ensure your safety I have had a pin made that you can wear on your clothing that reads, “Afros matter.  I am the Mayor’s son.”  The NYPD officers who can read will then know not to shoot  you.
  • Avoid Harlem.  It’s dangerous. There are many dangerous and armed drug dealers in Harlem who no doubt work for white people.
  • Avoid Washington Heights.  Hispanics live there. ‘Nuff said.
  • If you find yourself in Manhattan try to stay on the Upper West side.  It’s predominantly white and filled with my supporters. They will protect you. (Again,as long as you wear that pin identifying yourself. Otherwise they might mistake you for the hired help.)

And that’s it son.  Your safety means everything to me and I will do all that is politically feasible to protect you.  Oh, and by the way your sister is out of her prescription anti-depressants. Can you have one of your friends of color (who have the advantage of anonymity) go up to Harlem and buy some off the street?  It’s cheaper that way.

Your father

Warren Bill de Blasio

Well, I for one find this to be a typical warm, loving letter of advice all fathers might give their children.

On second thought, f*ck Wilhelm.

de Blasio pisses off cops

(441)

2 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by
5 Dec 14

Manhattan Infidel Reviews the 2014 New York City Race Riots

Only the best for my readers

Only the best for my readers

On Wednesday a grand jury in Staten Island, New York decided not to indict a police officer in the death of gentle giant Eric Garner. Immediately after the announcement protests erupted across the city.  Believing it is my responsibility to provide my readers with the facts made up entertaining shit I have decided to review the riots.  I will also voice my opinion on how to improve race riots in the future.

After all, are we going to let ourselves be out-race rioted by a two-bit hick town like Ferguson, Missouri?

Riots in Staten Island

These riots were very disappointing, hardly entertaining and in fact not worthy of happening in New York. I’m sure Delaware or West Virginia would have appreciated them however. Sure the widow of Eric Garner was in attendance. Sure the tall socialist freak mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) was there.  Sure Al Sharpton, the leader of the black race in America, was in attendance. So much potential for racial violence we self-loathing white liberals like so much.

For all that not much happened.  There were no shouts of “burn the bitch down.”  Well, someone did shout that but I think they were talking about Mayor Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio.)

My review:  No action. Badly directed.  The motivation of the key protagonists was not clear.  If this so-called riot wants to be renewed then the producers need to sit down and retool it considerably.  I suggest making Garner’s widow young, white and very attractive. Megan Fox hasn’t had a job in years. Perhaps she’d be interested.

Final score: D –

Riots in Manhattan in and around 30 Rockefeller Center

These riots had the most potential and had veteran race riot lovers such as myself the most excited.  Given that Wednesday night was the tree lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Center I was expecting a full blown repeat of the glorious Crown Heights riots of the Dinkins years.  At the very least I wanted rocks thrown, stabbings and shots fired.  This could have been the action adventure riot New Yorkers could point to with pride.

Just think of how exciting it would have been for the rioters to surge forward and crash the tree lighting ceremony, perhaps beating the male anchors and, since there were no doubt college students in the crowd, raping the female ones.

This was not to happen.

Alas, just like my prom night these riots petered out into embarrassment, inaction, drunkenness and projectile vomiting. And also like my prom the rioters probably woke up the next day with the bill for a limo, unused condoms in their pockets and a lifetime of regrets and “What ifs?”

My review:  C +

Suggestions on improving future race riots

A tighter script.  Better special effects and dedicated directors with vision.  And since this is the home of the Broadway musical, some dance numbers.

Perhaps Spielberg would be interested?

Because a race riot is a terrible thing to waste.  Especially in a sophisticated metropolis like New York.

(742)

3 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by
4 Dec 14

Santa Held in Death of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Santa and Rudolph in happier times

Santa and Rudolph in happier times

Santa, famous the world over for violating sovereign air space and breaking into homes every Christmas Eve, is being held for questioning in the death of his long time companion Rudolph, the famous reindeer with the red nose.

“At approximately 8 am officers were called to Rudolph’s house” said the Chief of Police for the North Pole.

We entered the premises to find the subject tied up in what appeared to be some sort of sex apparatus.  He had been bludgeoned and brutalized.  This was no ordinary murder. This was an act of rage.

Investigators then visited the factory of Santa Claus, Rudolph’s lover and companion.  The two had long had a contentious relationship and police had been called to Rudolph’s place before on several occasions.

“It was a love/hate thing” said a neighbor.

I think they honestly, genuinely cared about each other.  But their sex life was starting to annoy us.  We could hear them almost every night.  Santa would come over with with a whip in his hand.  One time we heard him shouting, “Rudolph with your nose so bright, look into my anus and tell me what you see.”  I mean we were eating dinner at the time.  I had to throw the damn meal away.

On top of the duo’s sex addictions there was Rudolph’s drinking problem.  Rudolph, born Mickey O’Flynn was often the last one to leave North Pole’s bars at closing time.  Said one bar owner who would only give his name as “Kevin F”:

Yeah, he was a big time drunk. Why do you think he had that red nose anyway?  The Irish just shouldn’t drink.  I know Santa didn’t like it when he drank.  He would sometimes come into the bar and pay Rudolph’s tab and beg him to come home. And Rudolph could get violent when he was drunk. One time he started pummeling Santa’s face with his hooves.  I had to pull him away or he would have killed him. Knocked Santa out cold he did. So I threw some cold water on Santa and cleaned him up.  I figured the fat bastard would be grateful and slip me an extra present come Christmas. Nothing. Nada. The bastard.  I banned both of them from the bar after that.

At Santa’s workshop, Santa voluntarily agreed to answer questions though he was cagey with his answers.

We told him that Rudolph was dead.  Santa said he knew already.  We then asked him how he knew.  Santa answered that he assumed that the drink had finally gotten to Rudolph. “North Pole’s a pretty cold place. Maybe Rudolph passed out in a snow bank and froze to death” he told us. When he told him that the victim was found bludgeoned and tied to a sex chair Santa chuckled and said, “Oh.”  It was then that we noticed that Santa’s knuckles were cut and that he had fresh blood stains on his hands. He said he cut himself shaving. We arrested him and brought him in for further questioning.

Once at police headquarters Santa refused to answer any questions without the presence of his lawyer.

We left him alone while we called his lawyer.  We noticed that Santa seemed emotionally drained. He started crying and pounding the table saying, “Rudolph! Why!”

Kringle’s lawyer soon arrived.

“Mr. Kringle steadfastly maintains his innocence” said his lawyer during a press conference on the steps of police headquarters.

What’s more my client is a respected citizen in the community and is responsible for employing many local residents. He loved and respected Rudolph and would never harm him. This entire prosecution of my client is based on the homophobia of the police chief.  My client will be found innocent and we intend to sue.

Santa meanwhile is being held under suicide watch. Bail has been set at $1,000,000.

(530)

4 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
3 Dec 14

Lady Accuses Tramp of Microagression!

Lady begins to feel uncomfortable about Tramp's microagressions!

Lady begins to feel uncomfortable about Tramp’s microagressions!

American cocker spaniel Lady has accused Tramp, her one-time companion, of microaggression and disrespecting her canine vagina.

“I am an educated, professional cocker spaniel” said Lady.

And I feel that Tramp has disrespected me.  He only wanted to sniff and mount me. I warned him that he needs to seek my verbal and/or written consent first but he just laughed.  I have cut of all contact with Tramp and notified him of my intention to seek a court order of protection from this canine beast!

Lady’s story is typical of many professional female canines seeking to make it in a male canine world.

When I first met Tramp I must admit I was very attracted to him.  And he was funny and charming.  And he saved me from a pack of wild dogs.  In my pre-feminine ignorance I was grateful to him.  I should have seen the warning signs.  He saved me so he felt like he owned me.  Slavery!  That’s what all opposite sex canine relations are!  So we went to an Italian restaurant where he was going to show me that he lived a “footloose and collar-free” existence.  We were eating spaghetti and the next thing I knew his lips were on mine.  He didn’t even ask me!  Then he threw me down on the floor, sniffed my anus and mounted me.  “Relax” he kept saying. “You know you want it.”  I was confused.  Maybe I did want it?  Well I went home and my feminist canine friends educated me about the male canine rape epidemic in our patriarchal society.  It was like scales fell from my eyes.  For the first time I knew what I had to do.

Now enlightened and radicalized, Lady called the local pound to report that Tramp still had his testicles. An extensive search was begun for Tramp and he was eventually found, captured and taken to the pound for surgery.

Free from the fear of Tramp’s penis rape, Lady has begun taking courses at a local community college and hopes to get a degree in feminist studies.

If I can use my knowledge to help just one bitch then I know my life has meaning.  I feel dirty every time a male dogs gazes at me.  It’s disgusting.

Meanwhile locked in the pound and awaiting his surgery, Tramp maintains his innocence.

Come on!  Why did she go to the restaurant with me in the first place?  She wanted me.  She needed me.  I ordered the pasta as an excuse to kiss her.  Chewing on the same strand until our lips meet is my signature move.  She didn’t resist. She didn’t resist!  She let me sniff her anus. You can change your mind before butt sniffing. You can change your mind during butt sniffing.  But you can’t change your mind after your butt has been sniffed!

Tramp has also started a website, “Save My Balls” and is asking donations to defray the costs of escaping from the pound.

Lady is touring the country promoting her new book, “Smart Canines, Foolish Choices” and will be a guest speaker at the first annual “Chop ‘Em Off” rally in front of City Hall.  Organizers expect a crowd of thousands of bitches.

(434)

2 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
2 Dec 14

Spam (The I Have an Alibi Edition)

Spam is the tie that binds

Spam is the tie that binds

It has been hectic this week at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ between Christmas shopping and clearing my internet history so visitors do not see what I’ve been viewing.

So instead of actually preparing anything to write it’s time for the latest visit to the Spam factory. (Spam valid in continental United States only.  Allow three to six weeks for delivery of Spam.)

Pinlsteyro writes:

As many as four have died in two days.

My alibi is airtight.

The Slows writes:

I have been exposed to coaches.

They like to watch. That’s why I always waited until I got home to take my shower after practice.

Nicextito writes:

An epicurean is someone who likes only the finest food.

So we’re talking about pop tarts?  I don’t even bother putting them in the toaster but eat them right out of the box.

Timberland Shoes writes:

Only one person was killed in Oklahoma, but two in Kansas and one in Missouri.

I told you I have an alibi!

Sim Air Force writes:

Feel the interiors!

Relax.  I’m a blogger. You can trust me.

Timberland Online writes:

The cost was staggering.

Well you asked for a reach around.  I told you that’d be extra.

Hogrefe writes:

Training for obedience is a continuous process.

You’re married, aren’t you, sir?

Slidersrillbar writes:

Insert it now!

Slow down, will you.  A boy likes to be sweet talked.

Aporeef Club writes:

Freed 25 kidnapped children.

How many times do I have to tell you people I have an alibi!

Reinsaxsm writes:

Will be round, or oval in shape, white, yellow or grey in color and  inflamed around the edge.

If you can’t trust a twenty dollar hooker when she says she’s clean then what is this world coming to?

Bletiker writes:

The ancient Chinese philosophy was that heaven was a circle.

So that’s the ancient Chinese secret?  But I thought heaven was a parabola?

Guiseppe Zanotti writes:

Laugh at the bag!

Is that nice?  I have a hernia.

Zapaosmbt Madrid writes:

Usually, soap and washcloths are not available.

So?  We’ll lick each other clean.

Orchard Golf Course writes:

Do you ever run into any problems with plagiarism?

What can I say?  It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times.

Boksmia writes:

When love is no longer with us we can’t go on.

That’s why I keep her in my crawlspace.  She’ll always be with me.

Parkin Org writes:

The bags must have fallen.

Stop looking at my hernia!

Rvxanthus writes:

The Algarve region is divided into 16 municipalities.

F*ck you.

LV Neverful MM Size writes:

Does operating a well-established website like yours require a massive amount of work?

Does it ever!  I’m so busy now I’ve had to cut back my self-pleasuring activities to 21 times a week.

And finally, Lindsono writes:

Yesterday while I was at work my iPad was stolen.

Usually I’d say I have an alibi but since this is not a capital offense I’m gonna fess up. Yeah, that was me.

And that’s it dear readers.  Spam!  It does a heart good.

(408)

2 Comments
Filed in A Visit to the Spam Factory
  Posted by
1 Dec 14

Manhattan Infidel Presents: The Ferguson Future Timeline

Rioting and looting and burning and shooting these are few of my favorite things

Rioting and looting and burning and shooting these are few of my favorite things

On August 9th 2014, Michael Brown, the so-called “gentle giant” of Ferguson, Missouri was shot dead by infamous white cop Darren Wilson.  The ensuing rioting both after the initial incident and after the grand jury report changed America forever.  Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we will use today’s post to examine the timeline of these momentous events.

  • August 10th, 2015 – December 25th 2014

Initial rioting in and around Ferguson leads to millions in property damage and the arrest of hundreds.

  • December 25th, 2014, the “Christmas Proclamation”

President Obama, using the powers not delegated to him by the Constitution, invites U.N. peacekeepers to Ferguson.  “The world is watching.  We need the moral authority of the United Nations to stop the bleeding.”

  • December 31, 2014

The first U.N. peacekeepers arrive in Ferguson.

  • January 1, 2015

The first Ferguson resident is raped by a U.N. peacekeeper.

  • January – March 2015

Thirty seven additional Ferguson residents are raped by U.N. peacekeepers.  Note: These numbers are guesses as there is no reporting of the events by the major news networks.

  • April 2, 2015

A reporter is raped by a U.N. peacekeeper. Riots ensue in the offices of Fox, MSNBC and CNN as outraged reporters demand action.

  • April 13, 2015

Under pressure from his base at MSNBC, President Obama orders the peacekeepers out of Ferguson.

  • May 2015 – January 20, 2017

With President Obama’s poll numbers slipping and not wanting to further embarrass him, the 24-hour news networks decide to concentrate on serial raper Bill Cosby and not the rioting in Ferguson. Despite no 24-hour coverage the riots continue on and off until Ferguson becomes nothing but abandoned buildings, roving gangs of wild dogs and street crime.  Archbishop Desmond Tuto, visiting the town likens it to “Detroit without glamour.”

  • February 2017

Newly-elected President Elizabeth Warren, vowing to make ending “The Troubles” in Ferguson her top priority invites Al Sharpton, the leader of the black race in America, to the White House for wide-ranging discussions.

  • February – June 2017

Talks continue between President Warren and Al Sharpton.  As these talks continue many in the press as well as regular civilians begin to speculate as to the final deal. Will it bring peace to America?

  • July 4th, 2017: Announcement of the “July 4th Agreement”

Standing in the Rose Garden, President Warren announces an agreement with Al Sharpton.  Under the July 4th agreement all blacks in the United States will be moved to a new state called “The African Free State” comprising northern Wyoming, southern Montana and eastern Idaho.  Modeled after the reservation system of native Americans, President Warren describes the nascent Free State as “A place where Africans can finally live out their destiny in freedom, unencumbered by Europeans. They shall once and for all achieve full blackness by following their ancient tribal customs.  I, as a native American, know that the reservation example has been successful. It worked for native Americans and it can work for Africans.”

  • July 6th, 2017

President Warren names Al Sharpton as “Chief for Life” of the new African Free State.

  • August – September 2017

Opposition to the treaty rises among Democrats as they worry that with all Africans moved to the new Free State no one will be left in America to vote for them. The impasse is broken when Charles Schumer (D-NY) articulates the Schumer Principle.  “We have the Hispanic vote now so we really don’t need blacks anymore.”  But to ensure a Democratic majority, residents of the African Free State will be allowed to vote in national elections.

  • October 2017 – September 2018:  The Trail of Michael Jordan Sneakers

The forced relocation of Africans to their new Free State home begins. Known as the “Trail of Michael Jordan Sneakers” because of the brand of footwear found along the route’s movement the relocation is peaceful for the most part, except for a contingent of Africans who wish to remain in America Proper.  These Africans, deemed “Inauthentic Africans” because of their attachment to the ways of the European, are relocated to Canada as a compromise.

  • October 2018

With no Africans remaining in America Proper President Warren addressed a joint session of Congress and declares “Peace in our time.”

  • October 2019

After a year without race riots it is found that suicide rates among white liberals has drastically increased.  Also, the ratings for 24-hour cable networks decline. President Warren convenes a commission to study this.

  • April 2020

The commission releases its report.  Among the findings:  without race riots to justify their moral superiority and self-loathing, white liberals have plunged into a deep depression, with many refusing to work in Hollywood anymore and without race riots the major cable networks are at a loss as to what to cover.

  • May 2020

Suffering from deep depression, President Warren formally invites all Africans from the African Free State back into America Proper. She also appoints Al Sharpton as her Assistant President and eventual successor.

  • June 2020

With authentic Africans moving back to America Proper, race riots begin anew. Liberal’s feelings of self-worth rise as does cable news ratings. President Warren calls this her “signature accomplishment” and announces that she will run for another term.

Don’t say I didn’t predict it.

(376)

2 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by
26 Nov 14

Manhattan Infidel Presents: Thanksgiving with Jonathan Gruber

We have to make Thanksgiving less transparent

We have to make Thanksgiving less transparent

Thanksgiving.  A uniquely American holiday and for many their favorite.  Turkey. Football. Traveling to see loved ones.  Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ what better way to spend this American holiday than with one of the architects of the new American healthcare system:  Jonathan Gruber.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Gruber. And happy Thanksgiving!

JG: Thank you, Manhattan Infidel.  I am happy to be here.  Pass the cranberry sauce, please.

MI: Oh, you want cranberry sauce?

JG: Yes, it’s a Thanksgiving staple.

MI: Okay here you go.  Have some cranberry sauce.

JG: Thank you and now I’m going to have to tax you for it.

MI: What?

JG: But don’t worry.  I won’t call it a tax. If I call it a tax on your cranberry sauce then you wouldn’t give me your cranberry sauce.

MI: Um.  What?  I’m confused.

JG:  That’s because your stupid. Healthy people such as you will have to pay in, pay in with your cranberry sauce, so that others get cranberry sauce.  Lack of transparency is a huge political advantage for me when dealing with cranberry sauce.  Call it the stupidity of the American people or whatever but basically that was really, really critical for me to get your cranberry sauce.  Look I wish we could make the process transparent but I’d rather have your cranberry sauce than not.

MI: I want my cranberry sauce back.

JG:  Too late.  You’re not getting it.  Now this was the only political way I was ever going to get your cranberry sauce.  And every economist agrees with me. It’s on the books now. I have your cranberry sauce and if you want to repeal my taking of your cranberry sauce then you’re going to have to fill a trillion-dollar hole in the deficit.

MI: What the hell are you talking about?

JG: But enough about cranberry sauce.  You’re too stupid to understand. Is the game on?

MI: Yes I have it on TV right now.  Dammit an interception!  He threw it right to the other team.  What was he thinking!

JG: An interception? Ah, so the quarterback was redistributing the ball?

MI: I wouldn’t put it that way.

JG: We’ll have to tax that.

MI:  Enough politics can we just enjoy the rest of Thanksgiving?  Hey, where’s my turkey?

JG: I entered it into one of the state-run turkey exchanges.

MI: But I’m hungry!

JG: Don’t worry.  If you like your turkey you can keep your turkey.

MI: I like my turkey!  I want my turkey!  

JG:  Why are you opposing turkey exchanges?  Is this a racial thing?

MI: Get out of my house.

JG:  Fine. I don’t want to celebrate a holiday that memorializes the white man’s destruction of an indigenous culture anyway. Goodbye.  And I’m taking your bread dressing as well.

That was the worst Thanksgiving I’ve ever had.  I hope all my readers have a more enjoyable holiday.

Manhattan Infidel

(488)

2 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by
25 Nov 14

Help Al Sharpton Pay His Taxes!

Help this American hero pay his taxes

Help this American hero pay his taxes

It has recently been revealed that civil rights icon Rev. Al Sharpton is having difficulty paying his taxes.  With federal liens of over $3 million and state tax liens of $777, 657 Mr. Sharpton is in danger of no longer being able to influence politics in our country.

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we consider this an event of tragic proportions.  To not have Al Sharpton on the national stage using his moral authority to demand civil rights for his people would take this country back into the dark ages of the 1950s, early to mid 1970s, the 1980s and 2001 to 2009 when Republicans were in the White House.

That’s why I have started the nonprofit organization “Justice for Sharpton.”

It is my goal to use donations to this nonprofit organization to help the Reverend pay his back taxes.  Because an America without Al Sharpton berating the tea party for demanding lower taxes is not an America I want to live in.

For only one dollar a day you can help with this cause.  Think about that extra dollar burning a hole in your pocket right now.  That dollar, like Joe Biden, is good for nothing.  But if you contribute to the cause you will have the joy of knowing that your dollar is helping an American icon pay off his debt.

If you contribute 60 dollars a month I will send you a plaque that you can mount in your home that says, “I feel good about myself for helping Rev. Al.” This plaque will be a constant reminder of your liberal goodness.

If you contribute 120 dollars a month (just four dollars a day) Rev. Sharpton will call you at your home to thank you.  Imagine the story you can tell your friends!  “I had  a great civil rights icon call me.  He called me!”

If you give eight dollars a day (240 a month) to the cause you will be given a card that can fit in your wallet  that says “I am a friend of Al Sharpton.”

This card came in handy for me, the Manhattan Infidel, just last week as I was in Ferguson, Missouri to cover the upcoming race riots.  I was surrounded by a gang of youth who were going to rob me.  I produced this card and showed them.  They thanked me for my support for the cause.  They still robbed me, but it was a nonviolent robbery.

Just think what would have happened had I not had that card in my wallet!

If you contribute a thousands dollars Tawana Brawley will come to your home and entertain you by crawling out of a trash bag.

In conclusion I ask my readers to consider a donation to this worthy nonprofit foundation.

We need Al Sharpton on the world stage reminding people that lower taxes are racist and that everyone must pay their fare share.

For those who may need further proof that we need to help the Reverend please read the following article.

Thank you.  And let’s help a brother out!

Help a Brother Out!

(519)

5 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by

« Older Posts

Newer Posts »

Manhattan Infidel is powered by WordPress using theme Tribune