We have to make Thanksgiving less transparent

Thanksgiving.  A uniquely American holiday and for many their favorite.  Turkey. Football. Traveling to see loved ones.  Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ what better way to spend this American holiday than with one of the architects of the new American healthcare system:  Jonathan Gruber.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Gruber. And happy Thanksgiving!

JG: Thank you, Manhattan Infidel.  I am happy to be here.  Pass the cranberry sauce, please.

MI: Oh, you want cranberry sauce?

JG: Yes, it’s a Thanksgiving staple.

MI: Okay here you go.  Have some cranberry sauce.

JG: Thank you and now I’m going to have to tax you for it.

MI: What?

JG: But don’t worry.  I won’t call it a tax. If I call it a tax on your cranberry sauce then you wouldn’t give me your cranberry sauce.

MI: Um.  What?  I’m confused.

JG:  That’s because your stupid. Healthy people such as you will have to pay in, pay in with your cranberry sauce, so that others get cranberry sauce.  Lack of transparency is a huge political advantage for me when dealing with cranberry sauce.  Call it the stupidity of the American people or whatever but basically that was really, really critical for me to get your cranberry sauce.  Look I wish we could make the process transparent but I’d rather have your cranberry sauce than not.

MI: I want my cranberry sauce back.

JG:  Too late.  You’re not getting it.  Now this was the only political way I was ever going to get your cranberry sauce.  And every economist agrees with me. It’s on the books now. I have your cranberry sauce and if you want to repeal my taking of your cranberry sauce then you’re going to have to fill a trillion-dollar hole in the deficit.

MI: What the hell are you talking about?

JG: But enough about cranberry sauce.  You’re too stupid to understand. Is the game on?

MI: Yes I have it on TV right now.  Dammit an interception!  He threw it right to the other team.  What was he thinking!

JG: An interception? Ah, so the quarterback was redistributing the ball?

MI: I wouldn’t put it that way.

JG: We’ll have to tax that.

MI:  Enough politics can we just enjoy the rest of Thanksgiving?  Hey, where’s my turkey?

JG: I entered it into one of the state-run turkey exchanges.

MI: But I’m hungry!

JG: Don’t worry.  If you like your turkey you can keep your turkey.

MI: I like my turkey!  I want my turkey!  

JG:  Why are you opposing turkey exchanges?  Is this a racial thing?

MI: Get out of my house.

JG:  Fine. I don’t want to celebrate a holiday that memorializes the white man’s destruction of an indigenous culture anyway. Goodbye.  And I’m taking your bread dressing as well.

That was the worst Thanksgiving I’ve ever had.  I hope all my readers have a more enjoyable holiday.

Manhattan Infidel

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