A Manhattan Infidel Exclusive: New York City Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage name Bill de Blasio) Gives Advice to His Son

Avoid police.  And Harlem.

Avoid police. And Harlem.

With the acquittal of the officer who put Eric Garner in a choke hold New York City remains tense.  Tall, socialist freak Warren Wilhelm Jr. (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) spoke emotionally of the toll of being black has on his son and the advice he gave him about how to avoid the NYPD.

Using my contacts I have exclusively acquired a memo filled with advice Wilhelm Jr. sent to his son, Dante.  I reproduce it here in full.

To my son Dante:

As you may be aware you are part black.  And as you also are no doubt aware your blackness places a special burden upon you.  Many things I, as a white person take for granted, you will be unable to do.  Simple joys like having my limo driver speed through the streets. Showing up late for a memorial of a plane crash. Dinner at Elaines or The Russian Tea Room. Vacations in the Hamptons or Martha’s Vineyard. I, because of my white skin, can do all these things like all white people do. But you, because of the burden your black skin and Afro place on you, will probably not be able to experience these.

Here are a few practical rules for you:

  • Avoid the police.  They are the enemy.  They will want to punish you for your affliction. Do not talk to them.  They are not your friend.
  • When my police bodyguard comes to pick you up from school, raise your arms above your head and say, “Don’t shoot.  My daddy is white.”  This may hold off the blood lust of the white police officer.
  • When my police bodyguard drops you off at school remember to duck and cover.  Who knows. They might try to shoot you in the back.
  • When waiting at a private heliport for a police helicopter to take you to a fundraiser (I love showing off your authentic Afro to my donors) remember to speak respectfully to the police.  They will interpret your tone of voice as fear. Cops like this. (I’m sure the advice I’ve given you so far applies to all your friends of color.)
  • When attending a protest march blocking traffic after a police officer kills a person while enforcing tax laws that we passed try not rile up the man.  You may be the mayor’s son but you still suffer from your black affliction. I don’t want to have to use proceeds from a 10,000 dollar a plate fundraiser to bail you out.  It would be politically embarrassing.
  • In short, avoid the police-man at every possible opportunity.  Unless they are part of the detail assigned to protect you.  To ensure your safety I have had a pin made that you can wear on your clothing that reads, “Afros matter.  I am the Mayor’s son.”  The NYPD officers who can read will then know not to shoot  you.
  • Avoid Harlem.  It’s dangerous. There are many dangerous and armed drug dealers in Harlem who no doubt work for white people.
  • Avoid Washington Heights.  Hispanics live there. ‘Nuff said.
  • If you find yourself in Manhattan try to stay on the Upper West side.  It’s predominantly white and filled with my supporters. They will protect you. (Again,as long as you wear that pin identifying yourself. Otherwise they might mistake you for the hired help.)

And that’s it son.  Your safety means everything to me and I will do all that is politically feasible to protect you.  Oh, and by the way your sister is out of her prescription anti-depressants. Can you have one of your friends of color (who have the advantage of anonymity) go up to Harlem and buy some off the street?  It’s cheaper that way.

Your father

Warren Bill de Blasio

Well, I for one find this to be a typical warm, loving letter of advice all fathers might give their children.

On second thought, f*ck Wilhelm.

de Blasio pisses off cops



2 Responses

  1. Is it rue what I heard that the rainbow colored unicorns are over-running NYC and becoming a serious health problem? Elections do have consequences, don’t they?

  2. petermc3 says:

    Son you have an italian first name, a german father with a phony italian name, and a black man’s haircut. Reminds one of what Mickey Rivers said to Reggie Jackson on the Yankee team bus: Hey Reg you got a white man’s first name, a Mexican middle name and a blackmail’s last name. Reggie, you all fucked up!

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