Santa Held in Death of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Santa and Rudolph in happier times

Santa and Rudolph in happier times

Santa, famous the world over for violating sovereign air space and breaking into homes every Christmas Eve, is being held for questioning in the death of his long time companion Rudolph, the famous reindeer with the red nose.

“At approximately 8 am officers were called to Rudolph’s house” said the Chief of Police for the North Pole.

We entered the premises to find the subject tied up in what appeared to be some sort of sex apparatus.  He had been bludgeoned and brutalized.  This was no ordinary murder. This was an act of rage.

Investigators then visited the factory of Santa Claus, Rudolph’s lover and companion.  The two had long had a contentious relationship and police had been called to Rudolph’s place before on several occasions.

“It was a love/hate thing” said a neighbor.

I think they honestly, genuinely cared about each other.  But their sex life was starting to annoy us.  We could hear them almost every night.  Santa would come over with with a whip in his hand.  One time we heard him shouting, “Rudolph with your nose so bright, look into my anus and tell me what you see.”  I mean we were eating dinner at the time.  I had to throw the damn meal away.

On top of the duo’s sex addictions there was Rudolph’s drinking problem.  Rudolph, born Mickey O’Flynn was often the last one to leave North Pole’s bars at closing time.  Said one bar owner who would only give his name as “Kevin F”:

Yeah, he was a big time drunk. Why do you think he had that red nose anyway?  The Irish just shouldn’t drink.  I know Santa didn’t like it when he drank.  He would sometimes come into the bar and pay Rudolph’s tab and beg him to come home. And Rudolph could get violent when he was drunk. One time he started pummeling Santa’s face with his hooves.  I had to pull him away or he would have killed him. Knocked Santa out cold he did. So I threw some cold water on Santa and cleaned him up.  I figured the fat bastard would be grateful and slip me an extra present come Christmas. Nothing. Nada. The bastard.  I banned both of them from the bar after that.

At Santa’s workshop, Santa voluntarily agreed to answer questions though he was cagey with his answers.

We told him that Rudolph was dead.  Santa said he knew already.  We then asked him how he knew.  Santa answered that he assumed that the drink had finally gotten to Rudolph. “North Pole’s a pretty cold place. Maybe Rudolph passed out in a snow bank and froze to death” he told us. When he told him that the victim was found bludgeoned and tied to a sex chair Santa chuckled and said, “Oh.”  It was then that we noticed that Santa’s knuckles were cut and that he had fresh blood stains on his hands. He said he cut himself shaving. We arrested him and brought him in for further questioning.

Once at police headquarters Santa refused to answer any questions without the presence of his lawyer.

We left him alone while we called his lawyer.  We noticed that Santa seemed emotionally drained. He started crying and pounding the table saying, “Rudolph! Why!”

Kringle’s lawyer soon arrived.

“Mr. Kringle steadfastly maintains his innocence” said his lawyer during a press conference on the steps of police headquarters.

What’s more my client is a respected citizen in the community and is responsible for employing many local residents. He loved and respected Rudolph and would never harm him. This entire prosecution of my client is based on the homophobia of the police chief.  My client will be found innocent and we intend to sue.

Santa meanwhile is being held under suicide watch. Bail has been set at $1,000,000.


4 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    Yeah right. And next you’ll be telling us the Easter Bunny doesn’t lay colored eggs.

  2. Rest in peace, John Boehner… I mean Rudolph.

  3. Petermc3 says:

    Hey Jim, touché …

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