Only the best for my readers

On Wednesday a grand jury in Staten Island, New York decided not to indict a police officer in the death of gentle giant Eric Garner. Immediately after the announcement protests erupted across the city.  Believing it is my responsibility to provide my readers with the facts made up entertaining shit I have decided to review the riots.  I will also voice my opinion on how to improve race riots in the future.

After all, are we going to let ourselves be out-race rioted by a two-bit hick town like Ferguson, Missouri?

Riots in Staten Island

These riots were very disappointing, hardly entertaining and in fact not worthy of happening in New York. I’m sure Delaware or West Virginia would have appreciated them however. Sure the widow of Eric Garner was in attendance. Sure the tall socialist freak mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) was there.  Sure Al Sharpton, the leader of the black race in America, was in attendance. So much potential for racial violence we self-loathing white liberals like so much.

For all that not much happened.  There were no shouts of “burn the bitch down.”  Well, someone did shout that but I think they were talking about Mayor Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio.)

My review:  No action. Badly directed.  The motivation of the key protagonists was not clear.  If this so-called riot wants to be renewed then the producers need to sit down and retool it considerably.  I suggest making Garner’s widow young, white and very attractive. Megan Fox hasn’t had a job in years. Perhaps she’d be interested.

Final score: D –

Riots in Manhattan in and around 30 Rockefeller Center

These riots had the most potential and had veteran race riot lovers such as myself the most excited.  Given that Wednesday night was the tree lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Center I was expecting a full blown repeat of the glorious Crown Heights riots of the Dinkins years.  At the very least I wanted rocks thrown, stabbings and shots fired.  This could have been the action adventure riot New Yorkers could point to with pride.

Just think of how exciting it would have been for the rioters to surge forward and crash the tree lighting ceremony, perhaps beating the male anchors and, since there were no doubt college students in the crowd, raping the female ones.

This was not to happen.

Alas, just like my prom night these riots petered out into embarrassment, inaction, drunkenness and projectile vomiting. And also like my prom the rioters probably woke up the next day with the bill for a limo, unused condoms in their pockets and a lifetime of regrets and “What ifs?”

My review:  C +

Suggestions on improving future race riots

A tighter script.  Better special effects and dedicated directors with vision.  And since this is the home of the Broadway musical, some dance numbers.

Perhaps Spielberg would be interested?

Because a race riot is a terrible thing to waste.  Especially in a sophisticated metropolis like New York.

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