He’s a mean one

Presented without comment.

You’re a mean one, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., (stage name Bill de Blasio) ,
You really are a heel!
You’re as cuddly as a cactus,
You’re as charming as an eel, Mayor Wilhelm Jr.,

A picture of shit.

You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel!

You’re a monster, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.,
Your heart’s an empty hole!
Your brain is full of spiders,
You’ve got garlic in your soul, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.,

Another picture of shit

I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

You’re a foul one, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.,
You have termites in your smile!
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.,

Another picture of shit

Given the choice between the two of you
I’d take the seasick crocodile!

You’re a foul one, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.,

You’re a nasty wasty skunk!
Your heart is full of unwashed socks,
Your soul is full of gunk, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.,

Shit shit shit

The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote:
“Stink! Stank! Stunk!”

A rare photo of Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., and Al Sharpton together

You’re a rotter, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.,
You’re the king of sinful sots!
Your heart’s a dead tomato splotched
With moldy purple spots, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.,

More shit

Your soul is an appalling dump heap
Overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable
Mangled up in tangled up knots!

Rev Al and Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., have a confab.

You nauseate me, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.,
With a nauseous super “naus!”
You’re a crooked dirty jockey,
And you drive a crooked horse, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.,

A rare photo of conjoined shit

You’re a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich
With arsenic sauce!

Well there you have it.  I said it would be presented without comment and I have done so.

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Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!

Recently New York City Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) has begun constructing a fence around the perimeter of Gracie Mansion, the mayoral residence. The so-called “privacy fence” being constructed behind the existing historic red brick wall constitutes an affront to the citizens of New York City. In these days when our elite leaders oppose reinforcing the fence with Mexico they are building fences at their residences. (President Obama’s residence in Chicago is also being reinforced with a stronger fence.)

I have decided to use today’s post to address this scar across the face of our Republic.

There are many people in the world who really don’t understand, or say they don’t, what is the great issue between the freedom and the socialist elite. Let them come to Gracie Mansion.

There are some who say that Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.,’s socialism is the wave of the future. Let them come to Gracie Mansion!

And there are some who say in New York City and elsewhere that we can work with the socialist elite. Let them come to Gracie Mansion!

And there are even a few who say that it is true that socialism is an evil system, but it permits us to make economic progress. Fuggedaboudit! Let them come to Gracie Mansion!

While the wall is the most obvious and vivid demonstration of the failures of the socialist, elitist system, for all the world to see, we take no satisfaction in it for it is an offence not only against history but an offense against humanity, separating the people from those they elected to govern, not rule them.

Every man is a Manhattanite, forced to look upon this scar of a wall.

Behind me stands a wall that cuts off and divides Gracie Mansion from Mayor Wilhelm’s “subjects.”  East, west, north and south barriers cut across Manhattan in a gash of barbed wire, concrete, dog runs, and guard towers. Farther south there remain armed guards and checkpoints all the same–still a restriction on the right to travel, still an instrument to impose upon ordinary men and women the will of a totalitarian, socialist, elitist state. Yet it is here at Gracie Mansion where the wall emerges most clearly; here, cutting across my city, where the news photo and the television screen have imprinted this brutal division of a city upon the mind of the world. Standing before the Gracie Mansion Gate, every man is a New Yorker, separated from his fellow men.

I invite Mayor Wilhelm Jr.: Let us work to bring the east side and the west side of the city closer together, so that all the inhabitants of Manhattan can enjoy the benefits that come with life in one of the great cities of the world.

The totalitarian, socialist, elitist world produces backwardness, poverty and shortages because it does such violence to the spirit, thwarting the human impulse to create, to enjoy, to worship. The totalitarian world finds even symbols of love and of worship an affront.  Is that why you didn’t march in the St. Patrick’s day parade, Mayor Wilhelm Jr.?

This wall will fall. Yes, across New York City, this wall will fall. For it cannot withstand truth. The wall cannot withstand freedom.

And I would like, before I close, to say one word. I have read about certain demonstrations going on in our city. And I would like to say just one thing, and to those who demonstrate so. I wonder if they have ever asked themselves that if they should have the kind of government they apparently seek, no one would ever be able to do what they’re doing again.

Mayor Warren Wilhelm, Jr., if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for New York City, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mayor Wilhelm Jr., open this gate! Mayor Wilhelm Jr., tear down this wall!

Thank you.

Then again, if Mayor Wilhelm Jr.’s wall keeps us from seeing his ugly wife and children, perhaps we can keep it up.  At least until he is thrown out of office in a landslide in 2017.

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UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

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This post was written on Friday.  On Saturday afternoon two NYPD officers, Wenjian Liu and Rafael Ramos

Requiescant in pace

were shot to death by a man who vowed to put “wings on pigs” in retaliation for the deaths of Ferguson’s gentle giant Michael Brown and Eric Garner in Staten Island.

I had scrapped my original post about Mayor Warren Wilhelm’s wall to write about this. I finished the post and decided not to publish it.  In the almost six years of doing this blog I have only written one post in anger.  What Bill Murray said in Groundhog Day, “Don’t drive angry,” applies to writing as well. I try to keep this blog lighthearted and hopefully funny and try as I may the post I wrote wasn’t funny. Just angry.

Poor Al Sharpton.  Seeing as how a person of color killed two people of color (and really I hate that phrase – unless you are albino we are all people of color) Sharpton must be pretty confused.  No clear angle for Al on how to profit from this.

I wonder if there will be marches.  I wonder if people will start carrying signs that say “Asian and Hispanic lives matter“?

Probably not.

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Why can’t I go outside?

A year long investigation has recommended that Vice President Biden not be allowed to go outside.

“It’s true” said a White House source who insisted on anonymity.

I know Joe doesn’t like it. He gets all sad and mopey but it’s for his own protection. We used to let him outside to play but let’s just say that actions have consequences. Potentially embarrassing ones at that.

The source is referring to the number of times Biden was allowed outside to play only to injure himself. A partial list of incidents involving Biden on the White House lawn was released to the press:

• On May 24, 2009 Biden was playing on the monkey bars and fell off.  He ran into the White House crying, disrupting an important meeting between President Obama and Senate Majority leader Harry Reid.
• On July 8, 2010 Biden was on the playground slide on the White House North Lawn when he fell off.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” said a Secret Service agent assigned to the Vice President.  “It was his turn to slide down and instead of sliding down he just lurches to the left and falls off.”

• On April 16, 2011 Biden was reprimanded by Secret Service agents after he was caught taking cats to the top of the slide and pushing them down it.
• On May 30, 2011 Biden was “pantsed” on the White House South Lawn by President Obama’s daughters.

“This almost created a national security crisis.  We can’t have the Vice President of the United States running around naked on the White House lawn. Nothing like this has happened since the time Henry Wallace got drunk, stripped naked and started singing ‘Bie Mir Bist du Schoen .’ “

• On March 4, 2012 Biden was playing on the White House lawn when he fell into a well. The round-the-clock media coverage of “Baby Biden” prompted criticism by President Obama of the “circus-like” atmosphere surrounding the event. After 58 hours Biden was rescued from the well and given candy.
• On May 23, 2013 Biden squeezed through the White House fence and went missing for three hours. He was later found wandering up New York Avenue with his underwear over his head.

When asked why he was wearing his underwear on his head Biden replied, “I was scared.  And when I’m scared I wear my underwear on my head and whistle the theme from BattleStar Galactica.  The one from the ’70s with the cool red eye cylons.”

Because of this last incident President Obama ordered a review of all security protocols involving the Vice President.

It was this review that recommended Biden not be allowed to go outside.

“We beefed up his office with new toys” said a Secret Service agent.

He now has state of the art video games, as well as iPads to play games on.  He seems happy for the most part, except on nice days when it’s not raining.  Then he wants to go outside.  Poor kid.  He doesn’t understand why everyone else can go outside and play but he can’t. It breaks your heart sometimes.

White House officials are working on a potential backup plan in case the Supreme Court orders that Biden be allowed outside. Dubbed “Operation John Travolta” it would entail placing the Vice President inside a protective bubble, like those that children suffering from Severe Combined Immune Deficiency use.

“He’ll be able to go outside and be protected.  It’s the best of both worlds.”

When reached for comment the Vice President would only say, “I want to play outside.”

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We want the same things Democrats want!

In the month since they won sweeping majorities in the House and Senate, Republican leaders have begun to sit down and plot a losing strategy for 2016.

“The American people have spoken and we have listened” declared the soon-to-be Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY).

They have sent a clear message that they want socialism.  They want big, intrusive government. They want redistribution of wealth.  They want America to become a socialist workers’ paradise.  Just not as quickly as the Democrats would do it.  That’s why we promise to continue Democratic policies.  But the march to socialism will be moderate.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) seconded the sentiments of McConnell.

What other possible interpretation of the midterm elections could you have?  The American people, in their righteous anger, voted Democrats out because we are at heart a center-right nation.  And we want a center-right socialist country.  The Democrats foolishly were going to establish income equality, redistribution of wealth and the abolition of private property.  Now granted, we will be doing the same thing. But slower.  People will have time to adjust. And when we do establish the socialist workers’ paradise on Earth you can bet Americans will be thankful we took a little extra time accomplishing this.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) then talked about what the Republican majority hoped to accomplish in foreign policy during the next two years.

Nation building.  Nation building.  Nation building.  I can’t say it enough. We intend to spend the next two years getting into as many wars as we can.  The interests of America dictate that we do this.  And after we win the battle we will build permanent bases in these countries that can house our troops.  We will teach them Democracy and they will love us for this.  Naturally none of this will be cheap.  We will have to raise taxes.  And our interventions abroad will make people hate us which is why I am calling for an increase in the budget of Homeland Security.  There will be more screenings at airports with the resulting slower lines.  And there will be more random checks of backpacks in train stations and more cars pulled over and searched.  This will be unpleasant but we must sacrifice some of our freedoms if we want to bring our way of life to the rest of the world.

One other issue Republicans hope to tackle in the next two years is immigration reform.

“Blanket amnesty is the way to go” said Boehner.

It’s compassionate conservatism.  We hope to naturalize ten to 20 million Hispanics. We understand that the Hispanics will be voting Democrat but it’s not important that they vote for us.  As long as they become Americans.  We also understand that this might bring down wages.  But we will fight the capitalists and raise the minimum wage accordingly.  I also intend to introduce a bill making English and Spanish the official languages of America.

When asked if he was worried that this might offend the Republican base Boehner answered in the negative.

“The Republican leadership is not here to do the will of the base.  We are here to lead America forward.”

Congress’s first order of business when it reconvenes in January:  raising the debt ceiling.

“We can’t spend if we don’t do this” said McConnell.

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Let me nourish you

Over the years at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have had the chance to interview many important figures.  Today I have the pleasure of talking with Chuck Todd, moderator of Meet the Press.

MI: Good afternoon, Mr. Todd.

CT: Nice to be here, Manhattan Infidel.

MI: As moderator of Meet the Press do you feel you have a responsibility to –

CT: Protect the Democratic party?  Definitely.

MI:  I was going to say provide your viewers with information about current events.

CT: Yes.  Protect the Democratic party.

MI: Okay we’ll move on.  Recently you were quoted as saying that you have a very good relationship with President Obama and that he “nourishes” you.  Is this accurate?

CT:  Yes. Yes, absolutely.  I often find myself going to the White House late at night just to be in his presence.  He’s easy to talk to.  They’re very nourishing conversations.  I always feel exhausted after speaking with him.

MI: I see.

CT: When he’s talking he fills me with a warm, nourishing feeling. Sometimes my nipples even begin to produce milk.

MI: Okay. Um.

CT: When I’m with him I just want to cradle his head in my lap and comfort him.

MI: That’s sick.

CT: I call it the “Obama Effect.”  He nourishes me.  He’s taught me all about nourishment. So much so that I want to give back.  I want to be the nourisher.

MI:  I –

CT: I’m going to start with you Manhattan Infidel.

[Todd takes his shirt off]

CT: Place your mouth upon my nipples.

MI: Hell no.

CT:  Please.  I’m producing milk.  Suck on my nipples.  Drink my milk.

MI: You’re one sick man.

CT: Then let me feed you.

[Todd begins to eat a few slices of bread]

MI: What are you doing?

CT: Once I get these slices wet enough I’m going to regurgitate them into your mouth.  I want to feed you Manhattan Infidel, like a mother hen feeds her children.

MI: Get away from me you freak.

[Todd stand up over Manhattan Infidel and opens him mouth, attempting to let the wet, saliva-filled bread fall into Manhattan Infidel’s mouth]

CT:  Take a mother’s food.

MI: Oh god that’s wet and disgusting.  It’s like watching Rosie O’Donnell shower.

CT:  [Singing] Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me/they long to be close to you.

MI: I’m out of here.  Goodbye.

CT: If you have any friends that need nourishment tell them about me.  

MI:  Jackhole!

CT: Maybe there are some strangers on the street I can nourish?

[Manhattan Infidel leaves]

Readers if you see Chuck Todd on the street, or anywhere for that matter, run like hell.

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