Hell to Get WiFi!

Okay i'm condemned to eternal torments but do you have WiFi?

Okay I’m condemned to eternal torments but do you have WiFi?

Satan, CEO and CTO of Hell Enterprises has announced a sweeping new technology initiative that will greatly enhance the overall experience of Hell for tormented souls.

“As the CEO I have a responsibility to my stockholders” explained Satan.

This isn’t your father’s Hell.  It isn’t enough just to torment souls with eternal fire. People expect more nowadays.  We’ve had problems holding on to tormented souls. Many have left dissatisfied and gone into corporate America.  If I can’t retain damned souls I go out of business.  Adapt or die is my motto.  Well, actually my motto is die and be tormented forever but you get the idea.

Starting in 2015 Hell and associated branch offices in The Bronx, Patterson, New Jersey and Poughkeepsie, New York will be equipped with free WiFi.

Fortunately there was no shortage of I.T. technicians in Hell for me to work with. Yeah, they’re always surprised when they end up here but then I just show them their internet history and they have to admit the justice of being in Hell.

All tormented for eternity souls will be given laptops equipped with Windows 8 for their browsing experience.

Windows 8? Hey, I am Satan after all.  They’re supposed to suffer.

Once given their laptops souls who wish internet access will have to point their browser to “http://www.myhellexperience.com” where they will be prompted for a user name and password.

I didn’t want to make it too difficult so the user name is “hellguest” and the password will be “wireless.”  I’ve been told the network is pretty secure and I won’t have to worry about hacking, though I will keep an eye on the Chinese.  I don’t want our network to be inundated with spam.  I may be Satan but there is a limit to my resources.  I don’t want to overload traffic on the network.

The WiFi has been tested in select sections of Hell before being rolled out to everyone and the reviews are good.

“I love having WiFi” said one damned soul, who would only identify himself as a former executive for a nonprofit drug and alcohol rehabilitation foundation.

Don’t get me wrong.  I deserve to be in Hell after stealing millions of dollars allocated to prevention programs but I did miss not being able to access Netflix. But now I can!  I have to see what’s happening on “House of Cards.”

If the WiFi roll out goes according to schedule Satan plans to introduce the capacity to access Hell remotely.

I’ve been looking into the cost of supplying keyfobs to everyone in Hell so they could connect through Citrix when they are away.  The keyfobs are a little expensive so I might go with soft tokens.  Either way our network team is working on it.

By 2016 all of Hell as well as all branch offices in North America will be able to access WiFi.

“The California offices are particularly eager for WiFi” said Satan.  “They’ll be getting it last. Californian’s are a pain in the ass.”


3 Responses

  1. So, I’ll be able to play internet chess while my chestnuts are being roasted. Well, I guess that’s something to look forward to. My internet service is by way of WiFi since our last move; so I am getting a taste of what hell will be like.

  2. Don King says:

    You’d think if Satan wanted to torture people, he’d get Satellite TV, and when there was bad weather like, oh I dunno – hellfire and brimstone, maybe? – that the picture would cut out.

  3. Petermc3 says:

    I now pay $200 p/mo for cable which qualifies me as residing in hell now. Once I drop I’ll qualify for a semi eternity in purgatory. No free Wi-Fi for me…screwed again. Damn it all to hell!

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