Why can’t I go outside?

A year long investigation has recommended that Vice President Biden not be allowed to go outside.

“It’s true” said a White House source who insisted on anonymity.

I know Joe doesn’t like it. He gets all sad and mopey but it’s for his own protection. We used to let him outside to play but let’s just say that actions have consequences. Potentially embarrassing ones at that.

The source is referring to the number of times Biden was allowed outside to play only to injure himself. A partial list of incidents involving Biden on the White House lawn was released to the press:

• On May 24, 2009 Biden was playing on the monkey bars and fell off.  He ran into the White House crying, disrupting an important meeting between President Obama and Senate Majority leader Harry Reid.
• On July 8, 2010 Biden was on the playground slide on the White House North Lawn when he fell off.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” said a Secret Service agent assigned to the Vice President.  “It was his turn to slide down and instead of sliding down he just lurches to the left and falls off.”

• On April 16, 2011 Biden was reprimanded by Secret Service agents after he was caught taking cats to the top of the slide and pushing them down it.
• On May 30, 2011 Biden was “pantsed” on the White House South Lawn by President Obama’s daughters.

“This almost created a national security crisis.  We can’t have the Vice President of the United States running around naked on the White House lawn. Nothing like this has happened since the time Henry Wallace got drunk, stripped naked and started singing ‘Bie Mir Bist du Schoen .’ “

• On March 4, 2012 Biden was playing on the White House lawn when he fell into a well. The round-the-clock media coverage of “Baby Biden” prompted criticism by President Obama of the “circus-like” atmosphere surrounding the event. After 58 hours Biden was rescued from the well and given candy.
• On May 23, 2013 Biden squeezed through the White House fence and went missing for three hours. He was later found wandering up New York Avenue with his underwear over his head.

When asked why he was wearing his underwear on his head Biden replied, “I was scared.  And when I’m scared I wear my underwear on my head and whistle the theme from BattleStar Galactica.  The one from the ’70s with the cool red eye cylons.”

Because of this last incident President Obama ordered a review of all security protocols involving the Vice President.

It was this review that recommended Biden not be allowed to go outside.

“We beefed up his office with new toys” said a Secret Service agent.

He now has state of the art video games, as well as iPads to play games on.  He seems happy for the most part, except on nice days when it’s not raining.  Then he wants to go outside.  Poor kid.  He doesn’t understand why everyone else can go outside and play but he can’t. It breaks your heart sometimes.

White House officials are working on a potential backup plan in case the Supreme Court orders that Biden be allowed outside. Dubbed “Operation John Travolta” it would entail placing the Vice President inside a protective bubble, like those that children suffering from Severe Combined Immune Deficiency use.

“He’ll be able to go outside and be protected.  It’s the best of both worlds.”

When reached for comment the Vice President would only say, “I want to play outside.”

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