Republicans Promise to Do All They Can to Lose Big in 2016

We want the same things Democrats want!

We want the same things Democrats want!

In the month since they won sweeping majorities in the House and Senate, Republican leaders have begun to sit down and plot a losing strategy for 2016.

“The American people have spoken and we have listened” declared the soon-to-be Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY).

They have sent a clear message that they want socialism.  They want big, intrusive government. They want redistribution of wealth.  They want America to become a socialist workers’ paradise.  Just not as quickly as the Democrats would do it.  That’s why we promise to continue Democratic policies.  But the march to socialism will be moderate.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) seconded the sentiments of McConnell.

What other possible interpretation of the midterm elections could you have?  The American people, in their righteous anger, voted Democrats out because we are at heart a center-right nation.  And we want a center-right socialist country.  The Democrats foolishly were going to establish income equality, redistribution of wealth and the abolition of private property.  Now granted, we will be doing the same thing. But slower.  People will have time to adjust. And when we do establish the socialist workers’ paradise on Earth you can bet Americans will be thankful we took a little extra time accomplishing this.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) then talked about what the Republican majority hoped to accomplish in foreign policy during the next two years.

Nation building.  Nation building.  Nation building.  I can’t say it enough. We intend to spend the next two years getting into as many wars as we can.  The interests of America dictate that we do this.  And after we win the battle we will build permanent bases in these countries that can house our troops.  We will teach them Democracy and they will love us for this.  Naturally none of this will be cheap.  We will have to raise taxes.  And our interventions abroad will make people hate us which is why I am calling for an increase in the budget of Homeland Security.  There will be more screenings at airports with the resulting slower lines.  And there will be more random checks of backpacks in train stations and more cars pulled over and searched.  This will be unpleasant but we must sacrifice some of our freedoms if we want to bring our way of life to the rest of the world.

One other issue Republicans hope to tackle in the next two years is immigration reform.

“Blanket amnesty is the way to go” said Boehner.

It’s compassionate conservatism.  We hope to naturalize ten to 20 million Hispanics. We understand that the Hispanics will be voting Democrat but it’s not important that they vote for us.  As long as they become Americans.  We also understand that this might bring down wages.  But we will fight the capitalists and raise the minimum wage accordingly.  I also intend to introduce a bill making English and Spanish the official languages of America.

When asked if he was worried that this might offend the Republican base Boehner answered in the negative.

“The Republican leadership is not here to do the will of the base.  We are here to lead America forward.”

Congress’s first order of business when it reconvenes in January:  raising the debt ceiling.

“We can’t spend if we don’t do this” said McConnell.



8 Responses

  1. Thank gawd we have a two party system in America and not a one party system like North Korea.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      And let’s not forget about our great free press as opposed to a press that only parrots what the government tells them.

  2. Bob Agard says:

    This is magnificent satire, because it rings so true. Unfortunately, you are not making anything up. Linked here:

  3. Don King says:

    You forgot about their promise to put a chicken in every pot…or was that pot in every household?

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      As a libertarian i support pot in every household. It’s not the government’s business what its citizens choose to imbibe or inhale.

  4. Petermc3 says:

    They considered bringing back prohibition but the thought of Boner in the throes of the DT’s on the House floor was too much.

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