My Exclusive Interview With Presidential Assassin Lee Harvey Oswald

Fame is a whore

Fame is a whore

Today at Manhattan Infidel I’d like to welcome one of the most famous figures of the 20th century.  Lee Harvey Oswald himself.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Oswald.

LHO: Hey, how are you doing?

MI: I’m doing okay.  I’m sure my readers would like to know what you have been up to for the past 50 years.

LHO: Oh you know, the usual.  Being tormented in hell fire for all eternity while I wait for the resurrection of the dead.

MI: What happens then?

LHO: I get reunited with my body and my torments will increase exponentially.

MI: Sucks to be you.

LHO: Yeah well, I’m a marine. I can take it.

MI: Good point.  Let’s get down to the 64,000 dollar question. Why did you do it? Why did you assassinate President Kennedy?

LHO: All my life I was a nobody.  People walked all over me. I saw this as an opportunity to become famous.

MI: Wow. So you admit you killed Kennedy?

LHO: Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?

MI: It’s that a lot of people speculate that you didn’t do it.

LHO:  Bullshit!  

MI: Or that you didn’t act alone.  That perhaps there was a second gunman.

LHO: Bullshit again!  I did it all alone.  I was proud of it.  Who’s trying to horn in on my accomplishment?  Is it Milton Berle?  The son of a bitch is always taking credit for other’s work.

MI: So you shot the President and you accomplished your lifelong dream. You are famous.

LHO:  Yep.  I was suddenly the most famous person in the world.  No longer would I be a nobody.

MI: How did that make you feel?

LHO: You know I thought it would  make me happier.  But it didn’t.  My privacy went. The reporters followed me everywhere. If I had it to do over again I would have shot the Vice President instead.  It’s a useless office.  I would be famous for awhile then fade into obscurity.  Maybe sell my memoirs: “I shot the Vice President but I did not shoot the Deputy.”

MI: For two days you were famous.  Then what happened?

LHO:  I was shot.  Fame is a fickle mistress.  

MI: So what’s Hell like?

LHO: It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.  Kinda monotonous really. Every day it’s the same old thing:  Boil in flames, get hit with pitchforks.

MI: Still, your fame must have followed you.  That must be a consolation.

LHO: Are you kidding?  When I got here the other tormented souls asked me how many people I’d killed.  When I said “only one” they started looking down their noses at me.

MI: Were you angry at being shot?

LHO: At first yes.  But I’m over it.  Ruby is here too.  We talked. We’re cool.

MI: Do you have any advice for my readers?

LHO: Don’t shoot the President.

MI: Anything else?

LHO: No. Just don’t shoot the President. That’s about it.

MI: Okay.  Anything else before I go?

LHO: That photo of me that you led this story off with?  Can you replace it? I’ve never liked that one.

MI: Sure. How about this?

Lee Harvey Oswald's publicity photo

Lee Harvey Oswald’s publicity photo

LHO: You’re an asshole.

[Jack Ruby enters]

JR: Hey, I loved that hat. It was my favorite.  Listen Lee, they are asking for you back in our circle. It’s almost time for the afternoon flaying.

LHO: I’m coming.  I’m coming.  Well I better run along now.  You don’t want to piss off these demons.  I thought drill instructors were tough.

JR: Hey you.  Are you a reporter?

MI: I’m a blogger.

JR: Yeah I don’t know what that means.  I’ve been dead for 47 years.  Anyway can you tell everyone I wasn’t in the Mafia.

MI: Nobody will believe me.

JR:  Still can you mention that?  I don’t want my mother thinking I’m a hoodlum.  She still thinks I’m a nice Jewish boy who runs a titty bar.

MI: Alright. Bye.

And so I left the pair to their eternal torments.  And Mrs. Ruby, if you are reading this you’re probably very, very old.


3 Responses

  1. I’m not buying it. Ruby was the second shooter on the grassy knoll. He had to kill Oswald so his mother wouldn’t find out what he really did. She idolized Kennedy.

  2. Petermc3 says:

    The man did get a Russian babe without the benefit of a dating site. His secret to success with women died with him.

  3. LSP says:

    That was a neat interview. Sometimes I get my hair cut right next to where he was picked up, in Dallas. You know, just for kicks.

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