Pope Says All Animals Go to Heaven; Residents of Heaven Push Back

Our pets go to heaven to.  Now who's going to clean out the litter box?

Our pets go to heaven too. Now who’s going to clean out the litter box?

Pope Francis declared that heaven is open not only to believers but to animals as well.

“Heaven is open to all creatures” declared the popular leader of the world’s Roman Catholics.  “And there they will be vested with the joy and love of God, without limits.”

Pope Francis’ declaration that animals go to heaven was met with groans from its residents.

“I don’t need this” said the notoriously difficult to get along with St. Jerome.

I translated the bible into Latin.  The church still uses my official Latin translation.  That alone should be worth some consideration. I need quiet so I can study. But no. Since Pope Francis said all animals go to heaven everything’s gone to hell up here. The other day as I was going to the kitchen I stepped in cat vomit.  Cat vomit! Me!  Jerome stepping in cat vomit! It was wet and cold. I screamed so hard my neighbor, St. Ambrose, who I never liked by the way, came running in.  He thought I was being robbed or something.  Now there’s cats all over the damn place.  And the constant coughing up of furballs. It sounds like someone’s throwing up last night’s pizza.  I’m going to talk to the Big Man about this. And no I don’t mean Clarence Clemons.

As resident of heaven adjust to the influx of dogs, cats, snakes, rabbits, pigs, rhinoceros and other animals the person hit hardest by the proclamation has to be St. Francis.

“Look I love animals” said the world’s most beloved saint.

Really I do. Back when I was on Earth I spent a lot of time with them.  I even preached to them on occasion.  They always listened. But I’ve gotten used to a cleaner lifestyle up here.  It’s clean.  It really is.  Immaculate almost. But now there’s dog crap all over the streets, stray dogs humping outside my window.  And please people, have your pets neutered before you send them to heaven.  I keep being followed around by some elephants.  Nice fellows but sometimes a guy just needs his privacy.

As a result Francis has seen his popularity decline significantly among heaven’s other residents.

Most of them blame me.  They won’t talk to me now.  I keep saying, “Hey, I’m not the Pope. He just took his name from me.”  But they won’t listen.  I was thrown out of heaven’s book club and my Friday night poker games with St. Dominic are over.  Man is Dominic pissed.  It’s the white robes he wears.  Stains really show up.  Last time I saw him he was down at the river trying to scrub some alpaca crap out of his clothing. I feel for him.  But it’s not my fault!

Many of heaven’s residents have talked about rewriting their co-op by-laws to forbid pets. Said St. Ignatius of Loyala:

It might be tough to go against the Pope but we have a few Jesuit lawyers up here so we might be able to do it.  Yeah, I know. Most lawyers go to the other place.  What can I say? Our guys are well connected.

In the meantime until the animal crisis is controlled all of heaven’s residents are asked to carry pooper scoopers and clean up after strays.

“If my father could see me carrying around this damn pooper scooper he’d have a big laugh” said St. Francis.


3 Responses

  1. Heaven sounds a lot like Central Park. Isn’t that where you spend most of your time?

  2. Bob Agard says:

    who else other than Manhattan Infidel would get this kind of exclusive interview? Linked here: http://bobagard.blogspot.com/2014/12/not-so-fast-pope-francis.html

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