This is where Manhattan Infidel was brutally raped and penetrated

Lately rape has dominated the headlines.  It seems everybody is raping everybody in the rape epidemic of 2014. The gang rape at a frathouse at UVA and the brutal rape of America’s sweetheart, Lena Dunham, while she was a student at Oberlin and, of course, Bill Cosby raping everything that wasn’t jello pudding are just a few examples.  People have asked me where I stand on rape.  I have a personal interest in this.  You see, I too was raped.  At UVA.  By Lena Dunham Bill Cosby and others.  I will now give my readers the details of my brutal sexual assault at the hands of the patriarchy.

Note:  Many of the facts I am about to present are false.  I may not have even been raped. But as a reporter facts are the last thing I am interested in. I feel that the higher truth of what I am about to present will make up for any factual inconsistencies.  And if you disagree with me you are a rapist.

It started when I was invited to a frat house at UVA.  “Harry”  (not his real name obviously but he looks like this)

My rapist “Harry”.

who told me he was a senator from Nevada gave me a drink.

“Relax.  I’m a senator. Drink up.”

I felt myself getting lightheaded.  The last thing I remember before I passed out was “Bill” (not his real name obviously but he looks like this)

Your ass is finer than jello pudding

telling me that he was going to treat my ass like it was jello pudding.

I awoke tied down to a bed. I was naked and I believe the words “Pledge whore” were written on my back.  I couldn’t see my back as I was on my stomach but I believe these words were written. I believe it to be so which makes it a fact.

As these two symbols of the patriarchy took turns on me I cried out to be released.

Ignoring me they then introduced a third rapist.  “Lena” (not her real name obviously but she looks like this)

I love forbidden fruit like nonliberals.

asked me if I was a Republican, or at the very least a non-liberal.

“What’s that got to do with anything.  Please let me go.  I won’t tell anybody.”

She laughed at me and said, “No one will believe a Republican anyway.”

Before I could protest further I felt her climb on my back.  I felt something foreign inside me.

“Relax.  I’m the voice of a generation”  I could hear her saying.

I protested.

“You’re penetrating my anus without even so much of a trigger warning?  Well ain’t this a fine how-do-you-do?”

After she was finished I felt someone else climb on top of me.  Obi (not his real name obviously but he looked like this)

My testicles are the droids you have been looking for

penetrated me again and again. Between my sobs I could hear him chuckling, “These are not the droids  you are looking for.  My penis however, is.”

When he was finished the crowd around my bed laughed as someone else climbed on top of me.  Alf (not his real name but he looks like this)

Spread those cheeks, human!

bit my neck and said, “Aliens and anal probing.  Two great tastes that go great together.”

After Alf had finished I felt something different.  My next rapist was furry, drooling and all tongue. At first I thought it might have been Alec Baldwin.  I was mistaken.  It was Lassie (not his real name obviously but he looked like this).

The tongue of patriarchy

Lassie kept barking and slobbering all over me with his tongue of patriarchy.

Finally it was over.  They told me to clean up and get the hell out.

I told no one, too frightened as I was by what had happened.

I immediately came home so I could write about my rape experience and share it with my loyal readers.

Again, just in closing I’d like to state that none of this may have actually happened.  I am more concerned with truth than facts.  And the truth is that our college campuses are patriarchal raping machines.

The Federal government needs to intervene now!

It’s for the children!

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