I gave Vlad my promise ring!

With the 2016 presidential campaign now in full swing all eyes turn the former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who has been all but anointed as the 45th chief executive.  I recently had the chance to sit down with the former senator from New York.  Madame Secretary was most gracious and gave me unfettered access to her mind and inner workings.

As I arrived Clinton’s outer office office her personal assistant Huma Abedin put her finger to her mouth as if to shush me.

“You must be very quiet.  Madame secretary does not like noise.”

I was ushered into the inner office, which was entirely dark, except for one candle.  Madame secretary sat curled up on a recliner, writing on a piece of paper.

“Madame Secretary how are?” I offered my hand but she refused to shake it.

“Are you a man?” she asked me.

When I replied in the affirmative she gave me a cold stare.

“So you are here to break my heart.”

She looked at me as if she were trying to place my face.

“How is it” she said, ‘that the mistress of the Democrats has become a widow?”  

She then handed me the paper she was writing on.

“See to it that this is published.  It is my testament.  I can’t believe that I gave Putin my promise ring!”

I took the document and promised her that I would.  I now present to my readers the lamentations of Hillary Clinton:

I have wept in the night and tears are on my cheeks.  There is none to comfort me, for Bill is with an intern.  I mourn, because there are no Democratic donors to come to my place.  My virgins are in affliction, and I am oppressed with bitterness.

Vladimir Putin has become my lord.  That shirtless macho bad boy has led me into captivity with his masculinity.

My beloved Putin has departed from me.  Oh how my reset has failed.

All that honored me have despised me, because they have seen my shameful love for the shirtless Russian strong man.

Putin has put out his hand to all desirable things.: for I have seen the Russians enter Crimea.  And he promised me.  He promised but forswore.  

Vlad.  Vlad.  I yearn for your strong masculine touch even though I shouldn’t.

All ye that pass by the way, attend, and see if there be any sorrow like unto my sorrow:  for Putin hath made vintage of my reset and his fierce anger has scared and yet aroused me.

My strength is weakened and I am not able to rise for Putin and his strong hands have held me down.

Therefore do I weep, and my eyes run down with water:  because the Democratic donors are far from me.  I shall be desolate and have power no more.

Let all my evil be present before Vladimir:  for my sighs are many and my heart is sorrowful.

Putin hath broken in his fierce anger all the horn of Crimea.  He promised me he would act like he belonged to the 21st century, not the 19th.

Putin hath cast off the altar of our betrothment, he hath cursed my promise ring.

The law is no more, and my prophet Barack hath no vision of Putin obeying him.

All they that passed by the way have clapped their hands at me: they have hissed, and wagged their heads saying:  Reset button, eh?  How’s that working out for you?

The child and the old man lie on the ground.  For homosexual love is great. My virgins and young men have deserted me.

My skin and my flesh Putin hath made old.  My selfies he no longer wants.

Yea, and when I cry, and entreat, he hath shut out my pleas.

He has become to me as a bear lying in wait.  Vlad has broken me in pieces.  I thought I could trust him.

These things I shall think over in my heart, therefore will I hope.  I will remember when Putin held my reset button in his hand.

For the Democratic party will not cast me off forever.  Who else do they have?  Biden? 

I have called upon thy name, Putin, from the lowest pit.

Thou has heard my voice:  turn not away thy ear from my sighs.  Remember our time together.

Ukraine looked attentively towards a nation that was not able to save.

But when I am president things will be different.

Rejoice and be glad.  Thou and Putin shall be drunk and naked.

And I will be President and have power.

Well there you have it readers.  It’s not the Federalist Papers but it’s a remarkable document nonetheless.  I just hope this doesn’t come back to embarrass Hillary after she’s nominated in 2016.

(1952)