Once again here at the worldwide headquarters of do you come here often?  Do you like older men? Manhattan Infidel it is time to present for my readers their horoscope.  Enjoy!  I just want to touch you that’s all.  Please let me touch you.  I’m so lonely.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Congratulations are in order.  Your blog about the 1971 Chevy Vega is up to 15 hits a day. Console yourself with your success while contemplating all the things you don’t have:  love, companionship, the touch of a woman, a left testicle.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This week you will make the difficult decision to shut down your blog supporting John Huntsman for President.  Not to worry.  Your other blog where you photograph the feet of woman (usually without their permission or even without them knowing) is still up and running.  At least until the lawsuit.  Your lucky number is eight which of course means nothing to a man who has never known love.  You will rip the left testicle off an Aries.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

It seemed like a good idea at the time.  A blog dedicated to the 1964 Phillies.  Who wouldn’t like that?  You’ll get to talk baseball with other lonely men (some with a left testicle no less!)  The neighborhood children are afraid of you.  Please pull your pants up.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Granted most men love porn but after being arrested at a porn awards ceremony in Las Vegas you will, in a fit of pique, shut down your blog.  Under court order to stay away from porn stars you will start a new blog dedicated to celibacy, self-control, cold showers and the advantages of having two testicles.  An Aries with one testicle will spam your blog.  This will send you into relapse and you will be arrested (again) outside your favorite porn star’s home screaming, “I just want to touch you!”

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Your blog “Pictures of Bread” will suddenly become very popular after police discover a dead prostitute buried in your backyard.  After being arrested you will ask your lawyer, “Did they find the other 15 prostitutes?”  At your preliminary hearing you will ask the judge three questions:  1.  Does he like bread?  2.  Does he have a left testicle?  3.  Ever serve a left testicle on toast?  You will be declared insane and your blog will be taken over by someone who just shut down their John Huntsman blog.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Feeling the need for a hobby you will start a blog called “Pictures of left testicles.”   An Aries will shoot your cat.  Your lucky number is 14, which coincidentally is the age of the neighbor’s daughter you’ve been texting. Expect to be arrested soon.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

You will quit your job to devote yourself full-time to blogging.  Soon running out of cash you will revert to the money-making scheme you utilized in college:  Dressing as Brigitte Bardot and letting lonely men with one testicle touch you for 20 dollars. Unfortunately one of your jobs will be at a party thrown by the Secret Service and you will be sodomized over and over and over and over.  They will not pay you.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Change in your life is on the horizon.  Your blog dedicated to Elihu Root will be hacked and replaced by pictures of porn stars.  Realizing that you like looking at porn stars more than Elihu Root you will quit your job and move to Southern California in hopes of becoming a producer of pornography.  Your lucky number is 18 which is also the number of times you will be stabbed in a back alley by a porn star’s husband.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Having spent the last 20 years in jail you are new to the internet but this won’t stop you from starting a blog detailing the many ways to rip off a man’s left testicle (a skill you found very handy while locked up.)  Expect a visit from an angry Aries.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Your astrological sign is the goat which explains why you will start a blog dedicated to your fetish of growing a soul patch and eating the grass on your front lawn.  Surprisingly this fetish will not help you meet women.  Increasingly desperate for human contact you will take to groping women on the street.  An Aries will shoot you and steal your left testicle.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

You will start a blog dedicated to your mother.  Your strictly platonic female friend will think this is “so sweet.”  You will explain to her that you were hoping that the blog would kindle romantic feelings between the two of you.  Surprised, freaked out and turned off by your admission she will end your friendship.  It will be weeks before her body is discovered in a landfill.  You will shut down your blog.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

A former bassist in a rock and roll band until your addiction to woman’s undergarments destroyed your life you will make one last attempt to straighten out your life and will start a blog about men’s undergarments.  But recidivism will rear its ugly head and you will be arrested in a bathroom on the interstate wearing nothing but female undergarments.  MTV will do a “Behind the Music” special on your downfall.  Your left testicle will be ripped off in jail, possibly by an irate Aries.

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