“I only have two rules when it comes to hookers.  1.  They must be clean.  2.  They must not have had Lou Gehrig before me.  The Babe does not play sloppy seconds!” ~ attributed to Babe Ruth

The above photo shows the Great Yankee Wall of Honor inside Yankee Stadium.  Note:  The Wall of Honor continues to refuse to give Kevin Maas his rightful place in the Yankee echelon.

Tonight the Yankees continued their series against the Minnesota Twins.  The Yanks started CC “Me eat!” Sabathia (1-0 5.59) while the Twins started former phenom but now sore-armed loser Francisco Liriano (0-2 11.91).

The Twins got on the board first when Josh Willingham homered to deep center.    The Yankees came back in the bottom of the second when Curtis Granderson walked and went to second on a balk.  He then scored on a Brett Gardner ground rule double.

1-1 after two innings.

Minnesota picked up two run in the top of the third when Clete Thomas (who entered the game after Denard Span was ejected along with manager Ron Gardenhire for arguing a call strike) doubled to left scoring Alexi Casilla.  Jamey Carroll then singled to shallow right scoring Thomas.  3-1 twins after 2 1/2.

The Yankees broke out in the bottom of the inning for four runs.  Nunez singled home Andrew Jones (who was playing right field because of the space-time dislocation – more on that later).  Yankee backup catcher Chris Stewart singled home Granderson and Nunez.  Derek “Who needs Minka Kelly?” Jeter then hit a sacrifice fly to right scoring Gardner.

5-3 Yankees after three.

The Yankees scored in the bottom of the fourth when Andrew Jones hit a solo home run.

6-3 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the fifth Derek “Did I say who needs Minka Kelly?  I’m a fool” Jeter singled home Brett Gardner.

7-3 Yankees after five innings.

And the final scoring in the game happened in the bottom of the seventh when Chris Stewart singled home Brett Gardner.

Final score:  Yankees 8 Minnesota 3.

Notes on the game:

It was announced before the game that Mark Teixeira had been scratched from the lineup because of “flu-like symptoms.”   Tex confirmed this by telling reporters, “It hurts when I pee and my balls are on fire.  What?  Oh, yeah.  Flu-like symptoms.  That’s what it is.” 

This necessitated moving Nick Swisher to first base and putting Andrew Jones in right field.

But was this the real reason for the move?  Scientists postulate an effect they like to call the “Let’s make shit up so we continue to get funding effect.”  And in the spirit of this I will now make some shit up.

What if Tex’s “flu-like symptoms” were caused by sleeping with a Secret Service agent just back from South America?  What if these “flu-like symptoms” opened up a tear in the fabric of space-time?

What if this tear in the fabric of space-time caused a copy of Andrew Jones circa 2005 to play for the Yankees on April 17, 2012? This copy of Andrew I will call “Mr. Steroids.”    Mr. Steroids hit 51 home runs that year.  Perhaps this is why he hit a home run tonight?

What if this tear in the space-time continuum caused the YES network to broadcast the game to the planet Vulcan where baseball-crazy Vulcans could argue that it was illogical for Gardenhire to argue the call strike and get ejected? And all this – the Vulcans, the copy of Andrew Jones – all this was caused by Mark Teixeira’s dripping penis.

It’s just a theory mind you.  But a theory that has settled science behind it.  As noted physicist Albert Einstein once said, “I ain’t paying you to dance honey.  Now strip or I shoot your husband.”

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “Greetings from London, England.  I asked a bartender in the pub to put the Yankee game on the telly.  He refused.  So I carved his skin off with a plastic knife.”

Um.  You’ve been living in Brooklyn too long M.B.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I too have ‘flu-like symptoms’  How can I get this fixed without the wife finding out?”

Sheep dip, L.K.  Sheep dip.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “How long do I have to stay in the pool before my ‘flu-like symptoms’ drown?”

As long as it takes D.B.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “I like pancakes.”

Do you pancakes have flu-like symptoms?

Recommended reading material:

Dagger John:  The unquiet life and times of Archbishop John Hughes of New York.

And so my record so far stands at 1-1.  My next game is Sunday April 29th against the Detroit “Is it too late to move to the Pontiac Silverdome” Tigers.

Go Yankees!

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