Yankees Lose to the AntiChrist!

“40 hot dogs and seven hookers.  Or was that 40 hookers and seven hot dogs?  No wonder my stomach hurts” ~ attributed to Babe Ruth.

Soon to be designated for assignment Freddy Garcia

Baseball 2012 has arrived.  Normally I don’t like to go to night baseball in April – the nights are too cold and I have a good relationship with my testicles and would like them to remain in the fully unretracted position.  However the starting temperature at game time was 88 degrees.  Global warming?  Polar bears drowning?  Batman gay?  Al Gore right?  Nah, Al Gore is still a lying putz who made himself a multimillionaire on the backs of one of the world’s largest scams.

The above photo is of the Yankee starter Freddy “Soon to be designated for assignment when Andy Pettitte comes back” Garcia warming up before the game.  The Minnesota “Yah, you betcha” Twins countered with former Yankee pitcher Carl Pavano (shown here in his true form), Carl Pavano’s true form or as he is affectionately known in New York, the anti-Christ.

The game got off to a rocky start for the Yankee as Freddy “Designated for assignment the moment Andy Pettitte gets back” Garcia gave up two runs on three hits in the top of the first.  After Joe “Not a superstar anymore” Mauer doubled, Josh Willingham singled him home.  Willingham moved to third on Justin Morneau’s single.  Willingham then scored on Ryan Doumit’s single.

In the bottom of the first Derek “I inherited Mariano Rivera’s male pattern baldness” Jeter hit a home run into the right field bleachers on the second pitch of the game.  Curtis Granderson then hit a towering home run into the upper deck.  Alex Rodriguez singled and went to second on a throwing error.  He later scored on Mark “White Hispanic” Teixeira’s single.  3-2 Yankees after one.

After that both pitchers appeared to settle down.  But then in the top of the fifth Freddy “Just keeping a spot on the bench warm until Andy Pettitte arrives” Garcia gave up two runs.  4-3 Minnesota after five.

In the top of the sixth Freddy “Who is this Andy Pettitte you keep mentioning to me?” Garcia gave up a lead-off home run to Justin Morneau that landed in the batter’s eye in center field.  Garcia was mercifully pulled after 5 2/3 innings after allowing nine hits and five runs.

5-3 Twins after six.

The Twins scored two more in the top of the eight.  But who cares how they scored.  I mean, does it matter?  Does it?  Does it?  Carl “I am the anti-Christ” Pavano had won.  Seeing that he won only 9 games in four years in New York (that’s almost five million per win) this was enough to make the bleacher creatures burn down the visiting locker room.

Notes on the game:

The first pitch was thrown out by an inanimate carbon rod. Stupid inanimate carbon rod! Stupid inanimate carbon rod! If they wanted something inanimate to throw out the first pitch at least get John Tesh to do it. The amazingly life-like John Tesh I mean sometimes he’s amazingly life like (and he’s probably cheaper than the stupid carbon rod.)

In keeping with the freakishly warm temperatures for April during the fourth inning a polar bear perched precariously atop a melting ice flow drifted onto the field. If only people didn’t use incandescent light bulbs I might still be alive! Unfortunately for the Yankees Curtis Granderson missed the cut off man and the bear scored.

Now how are the Yankees going to do this year?  Well, besides the fact that Derek Jeter Derek Jeter after the game and Alex Rodriguez Alex Rodriguez in the locker room are very very very old, Mark “White Hispanic” Teixeira has discovered his inner Jason Giambia and can’t hit above .240 and future superstar Jesus Montero was traded to Seattle the big question will be our starting rotation.  We could have traded Montero to Seattle in 2010 for Cliff Lee.  Now there is no guarantee we would have won it all then or that Lee wouldn’t have signed with Philadelphia after the season but at least we’d be trading Montero for a proven commodity.  But he was “too valuable” so the trade did not go through.

So what does Brian “You come here often honey” Cashman do during the winter?  He trades Montero for a pitcher who’s had one half of one good year.  And sure enough Michael Pineda, after a horrible spring training starts the year on the DL for the Yankees.  Pineda it seems has channeled his inner Nick Johnson.

Why bring back Andy Pettitte?  Who’s next?  Whitey Ford?

It’s too early to panic.  Baseball doesn’t really matter until after Memorial Day anyway.  Here is my prediction for the AL East:

  1.  Tampa Bay Rays
  2. New York Yankees
  3. Toronto Blue Jays
  4. Boston Red Sox
  5. Baltimore Orioles.

Recommended reading material:

The Filioque.  History of a Doctrinal Controversy by A. Edward Siecienski

So I start the year at 0-1.  My next game is Tuesday April 17th against the self-same Minnesota Twins.

Go Yankees!



3 Responses

  1. Don’t hit the panic button yet.

    But I get how the Montero trade burns a little. Pineda comes into training camp with Roseanne Barr’s physique and promptly shits the mattress; yeah that sucks.

    I don’t get the Pettite thing either. Homeboy might be able to pitch, might not. Now you’re juggling the rotation when you probably need it to get stabilized just so you can say ‘Hey, we brought back Andy.’

  2. You need more of those white Hispanics. I think the Secret Service can steer you in the right direction.

  3. innominatus says:

    Orioles still atop the AL East?!! Maybe the Mayans were right about 2012. Or maybe the O-birds really are an unstoppable jucking fuggernaut! Or maybe I don’t care but just enjoy typing out the words “jucking fuggernaut!”

    Most likely the latter.

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