As we approach the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic there are many articles and television specials about the incident.  But here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we have taken a different track and have decided to interview a much-maligned player in the tragedy: the iceberg itself.

MI:  Good afternoon Ice

Iceberg:  Good afternoon.  You know it’s good to finally get my side of the story out.

MI:  Which is?

Iceberg:  It wasn’t my fault!  The damn ship ran into me!  I was the injured one.  The Titanic plowed full steam into me and broke off a part of me.  That hurt.

MI:  I imagine it must.

Iceberg:  I mean I wasn’t doing anything. I was just chilling with my iceberg peeps minding my own business and suddenly the entire world thinks I’m a killer!

MI:  I never thought if it like that before.  Hey, it’s cold in here. Do you mind if I turn the heat up?

Iceberg:  What?  Christ no!  Are you trying to melt me? Are you trying to murder me?  What are you?  A white Hispanic?

MI:  No.

Iceberg:  I’m sorry  It’s just that…..it’s just that the last 100 years have been difficult for me as you can imagine.

MI: What did you do after the sinking?

Iceberg:  I went into hiding.  Suddenly everyone wanted to kill me.  

MI:  Where did you go?

Iceberg:  I hid in a place so barren, so desolate that no one would find me.

MI:  So you moved to Poughkeespie, New York?

Iceberg:  Yes.  And let me just say that not only was I in danger but the entire iceberg community was discriminated against.  Suddenly doors were closed to us.  A lot of my iceberg friends had a rough time.  I mean I saw the best icebergs of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix.

MI:  They prefer to be called streets of color now.

Iceberg:  Whatever.   It’s just that how would you like to be known forever as the guy who sunk the Titanic?  There’s so much more to me than that.

MI:  Such as?

Iceberg:  I’m a great squash player.

MI:  Really?

Iceberg:  Yep. Won the championship five years in a row until I was banned for having a controlled substance in my bloodstream but I don’t want to talk about that.

MI:  Anything else we should know about you?

Iceberg:  I needlepoint.  

MI:  Okay.

Iceberg:  It relaxes me.  And I’m active in my local community theater.

MI:  Really?

Iceberg:  I played Pete Best in their production of Beatlemania.  It was a small part.  I only had one line:  “What do you mean the boys want me out of the band?” but I gave it my all.  I felt the line.  I felt Pete Best’s pain. We have a lot in common.  Both of us are unfairly known for only one thing.  You know there’s so much more to Pete Best.  I wonder if he does needlepoint?

MI:  Well that about wraps up our time.  Any last thing you want to tell my readers?

Iceberg:   I just opened up a pizzeria specializing in Chicago-style pizza. So drop by.  Tell them the iceberg sent you.

MI:  I prefer New York-style pizza.

Iceberg:  What?  What the hell are you?  A white Hispanic? Get out!  Just get out!

MI:  Okay.  Psycho.

And so ended my interview with the iceberg.  Drop by his pizzeria for some delicious Chicago-style pizza.  Just don’t mention the Titanic.  He seems to be a little sensitive on that issue.

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