Noted liberal and man of the people Keith Olbermann, dissatisfied with a number of car services that he had used has finally settled on one to his liking:  “Use a Chimp“, based out of Manhattan has been hired by Mr. Olbermann for all his stretch limo needs.  Said an executive at Use a Chimp:

We are pleased that Mr. Olbermann has chosen us to be his car service.  We are confident that our chimpanzee drivers will meet his exacting standards.

The notoriously hard-to-please news anchor went through a couple car services at his latest incarnation at Current TV and fired every one.

What are Mr. Olbermann’s standards?

1.  Do not talk to him.

2.  Do not smell.

And that’s where Use a Chimp comes in.

Our drivers have extremely limited vocal abilities, do not understand English and most have never watched Current TV so they probably would have no interest in talking to him (Olbermann) anyway.  And we insist that our chimps shower before their shift. We tell all the chimps we hire:  No shower, no workie.

Indeed that seems to be the case.  A photographed provided by Use a Chimp shows clean, non-talking primates in their chauffeur uniforms, ready to drive clients to and fro.

And just to be on the safe side, before we send any of our chimps out we show them pictures of Olbermann to see if they are tempted to talk to him.  None of our chimps did.  Though several tried to rip his face off and some flung poo at the pictures.  But again, and I stress, none of our chimps talked. 

As for the safety record at Use a Chimp, it is second to none.

We require all our chauffeurs to pass a drivers’ test.  And they all did.  Oh sure they seemed uninterested in things like traffic lights and speed limits but we figured that was because they spent a lot of time driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

And don’t worry about Use a Chimp running out of drivers.

We have more than enough chauffeurs in case any high-profile client wants to use us.  Why when we put our ad in the paper we were inundated with chimps looking for work. You see, the unemployment rate for chimps is pretty high and they have been hit hard by the Republican party’s war on primates.  They just want what we want:  jobs, porn to masturbate to and faces to rip off.

We caught up recently with Mr. Olbermann and asked him if he was satisfied with Use a Chimp.  Covered in poo and with a gaping hole in his face he wrote on a piece of paper:

Chimp ripped most of my face off and flung poo at me.  But at least he didn’t talk to me.  Yeah, I’d hire them again.

Use a Chimp’s services can be obtained starting at the low price of $2000 an hour.  Taxes, title and destination extra.

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