News stations around the United States interrupted regular programming today to report on a sadly troubling American phenomenon:  a school going into lockdown because of a threat of violence.  The trouble started around 12:30 when a student at a high school in upstate New York noticed one of his fellow students eating a ring ding. He immediately contacted security and the school was placed in lockdown.  News crews arrived on the scene shortly after to report the troubling event to our wounded, fractured nation.

Keith Olberman:  It has happened again.  Violence in the heartland of America.  Violence in our Schools. Good afternoon I’m Keith Olbermann. Um, that’s not a picture of me.  Can we get a picture of me? That’s not a picture of me!  That’s a cirrhotic liver. I am not a cirrhotic liver.  Come on guys let’s get a picture of me. Thank you.  I apologize to our viewers.  As many of you know I recently left Current TV for new opportunities at my own private cable network. We are still working out the bugs obviously.  Now to our story.  A high school is the victim of violence.  In this case violence against health. I’m joined by the local sheriff. Sheriff, what is the status as of this moment.  Do we have a photo of the sheriff? That’s not the sheriff!  Is it?

Sheriff:  No sir that’s not me. That’s not me either.

Keith Olbermann:  Again I apologize sheriff.  We are having technical difficulties.  Tell us what you did when you arrived at the scene.

Sheriff:  Well we cordoned off the lunch room and sent in a drone who located the ring ding and defused it.

Keith Olbermann:  Were you afraid?  Were you in any danger?

Sheriff:  Yes I was afraid.  Like most people I’m watching my weight and my cholesterol.  And the ring ding represented a clear and direct threat.

Keith Olbermann:  Sheriff I know you’re not an expert in this field but what possible dangers do ring dings present?

Sheriff:  Well I know they lead to massive swelling of the body. The body continues to grow fatter and becomes one giant waste product until it shuts down and eventually explodes.  It’s quite disgusting to look at.

Keith Olbermann:  Fascinating.  Do we have a picture of this process? My god you’re right it is disgusting.  Anyway I thank you for your time.  

Sheriff:  Don’t I get paid?

Keith Olbermann:  No.  Cut his mike.  Anyway if you’re just joining me there has been heartbreak in the heartland.  Who’s at fault?  Teabaggers obviously.   I’m Keith Olbermann. That’s not me!  Are we even on the air?

Attendant:   Time for your medication Mr. Olbermann.

Keith Olbermann:  What? No.  You can’t take me.  You can’t give me medication.  I’m on the air.  I’m famous. I’m Keith Olbermann. That’s NOT me!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

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