When I started this humble blog in 2009 I had two goals in mind: To give an outlet to my voice and to prevent Megyn Kelly 
from escaping from my place, where I had her tied to the bed. Unfortunately, I was successful in only one of my objectives. Sure, I could fill the void left by Megyn’s escape with Miller Genuine Draft, pizza, potato chips and porn but that wasn’t enough. Which is why my blog took on greater importance to me.
It was slow-going at first. Twenty, maybe 50 visits a day the first couple months. Granted, the majority of those visits were from Homeland Security and my parole officer checking for violations but I was developing a following.
2009 (or as I like to call it – The Year of Megyn Kelly) visits by month to Manhattan Infidel:
2010 (or as I like to call it – The Year Without Megyn Kelly) visits by month to Manhattan Infidel:
As you can see, there was quite a jump in readership in December 2010, thanks in small part to my vastly popular but discontinued series (by court order), “Pictures of Manhattan Infidel in his underwear eating potato chips.” I don’t know why I was ordered to stop showing those pictures. They were all tastefully done (well, except for the photo of me doing jumping jacks while wearing a Tu Tu.) But I digress.
The point is, now that my readership is up I have great plans for Manhattan Infidel which I shall now reveal to you, my loyal readers.
2011:
I shall petition Congress (it is my constitutional right) to redress a grievance. Specifically, I want 2011 to be named “The Year of the Manhattan Infidel.” I also will address a joint session of Congress to tell of my desire for world peace and why Megyn Kelly should be returned to my bedroom (restraining order be damned.)
2012:
I shall place a satellite in orbit that will block all TV and phone transmissions. Only Manhattan Infidel transmissions will be allowed. Those who bow to my will shall be known as “Friends of Manhattan Infidel.” In return for being my friend you will get free Miller Genuine Draft. Those who are not my friends will be relocated to a “Manhattan Infidel Indoctrination Camp” on the outskirts of Harrisburg Pennsylvania. There will be no MGD at the camp. There will be no pictures of Megyn Kelly at the camp. Life will be brutal. Harsh. Ruthless. You will live without hope. Despair shall be the order of the day. It will be like life during the Carter Administration.
2013:
Earth shall be renamed “The Home of Manhattan Infidel.” Every citizen of the planet of Manhattan Infidel will swear allegiance to me. Microchips shall be implanted in everyone’s brain so that I can monitor your thoughts and your loyalty to me. Wednesday shall be eliminated. Those found to be insufficiently loyal to me will be forced to use the LIRR during a snow storm.
2014:
After declaring myself “The Divine Right Monarch of Manhattan Infidel” I shall use my powers of invisibility to spy on people (Note: since this is the Federal Government’s job right now I may have to add an amendment to the Constitution.) Washington D.C. shall be renamed “Meat City USA.” Hamburgers shall be renamed “Paul.” Instead of having a hamburger with cheese you shall have a Paul with cheese. Less syllables you see? The name change is in your best interest.
And so readers, those are my plans for Manhattan Infidel. Most of you who are reading this right now will no doubt like my plans and wish to be ruled by me.
Some may find my plans megalomaniac.
To my critics I say I am no Michael Bloomberg.
To Megyn Kelly I say call me. Please. All is forgiven. I have free MGD for you.
That is all dear readers.
(800)
All hail Manhattan Infidel! All hail Manhattan Infidel! All hail Manhattan Infidel!
Silence TJ! I doubt the sincerity of your homage to you. You will be the first transported to the reindoctrination camp.
Noble goals all.
If you get Megyn Kelly, can I have one of the other Foxies? Maybe Ainsley Erhardt?
I had to ask.
Shamus: Sorry, I promised Innominatus that he could have Ainsley. But you are free to pick someone else.
NOOOOOO, I pledge allegiance to the Manhattan Infidel, of the United World of Manhattan Infidel, and to his world dominance in which he stands, one world under Manhattan Infidel, invincible, with Megyn Kelly for Manhattan Infidel and servitude for all!
TJ: More like it. You shall be given a place of power in my new world order.
Thanks, Infidel! Now I regret all those rotten things I’ve been saying about you.
Inn: one day, and that day may never come, the Manhattan Infidel may ask a favor of you. I have no doubt you wish to do a favor for your Manhattan Infidel.
You know, it’s great to see someone who has such a clear vision for what they want to do. BTW, if you really want to punish the “not friends of Manhattan Infidel,” send them to Detroit. You’ll save money on building a detention center outside of Harrisburg. That, and Detroit has to be worse
Matt: But I thought Detroit was a socialist worker’s paradise?
You need to stop putting pictures of Megyn Kelly in your articles. I try to read them, but every time I find myself looking at herkjahflskenvlmksdf;l…………..
I was thinking maybe Secretary of Destruction would be a nice position.
Aurelius: Yes, I am now aware of the problem. Unfortunately pictures of Megyn Kelly distract my readers from my investigative journalism.
TJ: The position is yours. As soon as the Senate confirms you.