The Dark Side of Jack LaLanne

jack Lalanne likes to eat bad foodOn Sunday, January 23rd, famous “fitness” legend Jack LaLanne died of pneumonia at his home in Morro Bay, California.  I put fitness in quotes because as my extensive investigation will show, Mr. LaLanne was anything but an example of a healthy fitness lifestyle.

Trading in favors with my many contacts with the Moro Bay sheriff’s department, I was able to gain access to his house soon after he died.  What I found shocked and appalled me.   Mr. LaLanne was lying on his side, a half-digested KFC Double Down dribbling out of his mouth.

It seems Mr. LaLanne trafficked in a hidden lifestyle.  To his fans and admirers he was the symbol of bodybuilding and healthy choices, working out two hours a day into his 90s.  To those in the know however, a much darker Jack LaLanne emerged.

One of the first things I noticed was the empty KFC boxes that littered his house.  The kitchen was a disgusting mess of Sugar Frosted Flakes, regurgitated pop tarts and the bodies of half-eaten pigs.  It seems LaLanne had an insatiable appetite for bacon.  Wanting to keep his addiction from the public eye, he would buy pigs from  local farmers, keep them in a pen in his back yard, and when he had a craving would break the pig’s neck and eat it raw.

A neighbor told me of seeing LaLanne holding a pig up over his head:

The poor pig was squealing. Then I heard a snap and the pig was silent.  I looked out and there was Jack with his mouth to the pig’s belly, sucking out intestines. Jack’s face was covered in blood.  He saw me and threw the pig on the ground and said, “Pig’s blood gives me strength!!”  I didn’t want to say anything because at least he wasn’t smoking.

It seems Lalanne’s entire fitness empire was built on two things:  pig intestines and KFC Double Downs.

A night manager at a local KFC told me of LaLanne’s frequent visits.

He would come around a couple times a week. He was wearing dark glasses but we knew it was him.  He always ordered 100 Double Downs.  If we didn’t have that many he would get angry.  One time he told me that I’d better get his order right or he’d eat me, my wife and my kids. “Hell, I’ll eat your damn dog.  And when I’m finished I’ll crap it out on your lawn.  Because I’m Jack LaLanne dammit!”

As for LaLanne’s muscular build, at death he weighed 325 pounds.  No doubt the result of his diet and sedentary lifestyle.  It appears his muscles were fake.  LaLanne used his connections in Hollywood to get a body suit that he would wear to cover up his flabby figure.

News of LaLanne’s real lifestyle is already having a profound effect on health clubs.  Many are now stocking pigs that members can eat if they wish.

“Hey, it was good enough for Jack and it’s good enough for me” said one health club member before snapping a pig’s neck.

It’s always sad when our heroes are revealed as human.  But it is my job as a courageous investigative journalist to uncover the truth.  I only hope my readers can forgive me.


One Response

  1. Karen Howes says:

    I’m crushed… just crushed!

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