I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce a new feature to Manhattan Infidel, a feature that I hope will be an annual one:  The Manhattan Infidel “Pete Best Award for Epic Futility in the Face of Epic Futility.”  Once a year, or more if circumstances warrant, this prize will be given to the person or persons who best exemplify the qualities of uselessness, futility and incompetence.

And the nominees are:

1. Namesake and lifetime achievement award winner Pete Best.   The drummer for the Beatles before they made any money, after his unceremonious dumping Pete’s life quickly became a sad tale of futility. Upon being fired by the Beatles Pete got a job at an unemployment office in Liverpool, helping other people without jobs find work. Ironically he was later fired from this job and replaced by Ringo Starr, who apparently was much better at finding work for people.  All that’s left for Mr. Best is to start a blog and pester his friends to read it, perhaps posting his latest blog entry on his Facebook page in a pathetic attempt to compensate for his lonely, loveless existence.  What?  I wasn’t talking about myself!
2. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg.  King Michael I, Mayor Dickweed, El Presidente, His Holiness Bloomie I and Skippy the Billionaire Scumbag (how’s that for political discourse?) are just some of the nicknames given to our power mad and President wannabe Mayor. Best know for banning soft drinks from schools, eliminating a much needed lane of traffic on Manhattan streets, shilling for a victory mosque near Ground Zero and monitoring his subjects salt intake, this hectoring nanny  showed his true colors when he couldn’t even have the streets plowed during a blizzard, instead jetting off to an unknown location and blaming New Yorkers for going out in the snow.
3. 2010 New York Yankee Designated Hitter Nick Johnson. After winning the World Series in 2009, thanks in large part to Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon, the Yankees neglected to re-sign either one. Instead oft-injured Nick Johnson was introduced as the 2010 DH.  “He has a high on-base percentage” reasoned GM Brian Cashman.  So what did Nick do?  Proceed to bat .167 and register 12 hits in 24 games before suffering a season-ending injury while trying to shingle his roof during an electrical storm.

And the 2011 winner of the Pete Best Award for Epic Futility in the Face of Epic Futility goes to….drumroll please:  Nick Johnson.   Mr. Johnson was unable to accept the award in person, having injured himself in a freak accident involving Rosie O’Donnell, steak sauce, a leg of lamb, several tourists from Norway and Worf, Security Chief for the Starship Enterprise.

Mr.  Johnson was supposed to make a statement from his hospital bed but unfortunately the hospital he was at was hit by a meteor and destroyed.  All that remained was his left earlobe which was rushed to a neighboring hospital and placed in a medically-induced coma.  Doctors are unsure as to whether the earlobe will survive.

And so there you have it, the first annual award.  And Pete Best, if you are reading this:  No, there is no cash prize.

(591)