A tense, polarized and divided America was rocked again today by news that a cat, no doubt filled with hatred towards the government, vomited on a sofa.  Police and Congressional leaders are appealing for calm.  MSNBC interrupted its regularly scheduled programming (Behind Bars:  The All Musical Edition) to cover the fast-moving tragedy.

Contessa Brewer:  Hello this is Contessa Brewer.  We have breaking news of a tragedy in middle America.  A cat, for what reason we don’t want to speculate at this moment, but I suspect he was a tea bagger, vomited on a  sofa.  Joining us is the sheriff of that community.   Good afternoon sheriff.  My sympathies for your tragedy.  All of America admires your courage.

Sheriff:  Thank you Contessa.

Contessa Brewer:  Tell us in your own words what happened.

Sheriff:  Our department received a call that a cat had vomited on a sofa.  We went to investigate.  When we arrived we found a scene of carnage and chaos.  A fresh, lumpy, vomity furball was on the couch. People were crying, in shock.  I tell you, my life will never be the same.

Contessa Brewer: Has the cat been taken into custody?

Sheriff:  We wrestled the offending cat to the ground and pawcuffed it. Several deputies and myself received scratches.

Contessa Brewer:  You’re a brave man.  Does the cat know Sarah Palin?

Sheriff:  I wouldn’t doubt it.  You know, I miss the America I grew up in.  The climate of hatred being spewed from talk radio is atrocious.

Contessa Brewer:  Thank you sheriff.  Again, if you are just joining us an unspeakable tragedy has occurred.  A cat, and we don’t want to speculate on his motives until the facts are in, but a cat, no doubt a tea bagger, attempted to assassinate a sofa. Joining us is the cat’s human companion.

Human Companion:  Thank you.

Contessa Brewer:  When did you first realize your cat was a tea bagger with anti-government sympathies?

Human Companion:  Um.  It’s a cat.  I…..It’s a cat.

Contessa Brewer:  Sir I need you to answer the question.  Is your cat a fan of Sarah Palin?  Did your cat receive any literature from Sarah Palin?  Say, a picture of your sofa in crosshairs?

Human Companion:  It’s just a fur ball.  Cats cough them up all the time.

Contessa Brewer:  Are you a member of the Ku Klux Klan?  Do you hate gay people?

Human Companion:  What? I –

Contessa Brewer:  Okay cut his mike  Cut his mike!  He’s a tea bagger and isn’t going to give us any information.   Again, if you are just joining us, right wing rhetoric has struck again.  There is violence and hatred in the heartland.  We will be back  with updates as they become available.  We now return you to our regularly scheduled program, “Transexual Black Men Behind Bars and Their Search for Love.”

Let us just hope that our country can heal and overcome this tragic event.  I now return you to your regularly scheduled porn search.

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