For centuries centaurs, creatures that are part human, part horse have fascinated western culture.  Many myths, songs, books and movies have featured them.  But what is it really like to be a centaur?

Fortunately, courtesy of the Centaur Normalization Act of 2006, there are now many centaurs in the United States.  The results of the latest census indicate that centaurs are the fastest growing immigrant group, beating out Mexicans, the Polish and people named Frank from Bulgaria who sell the complete Omar Khayyam set door to door.  I was lucky enough to sit down with a group of centaurs in their local hangout, a bar on the east side of Manhattan called “The Horse’s Ass.”

I began the conversation by asking them about some of the daily challenges of  life as a centaur.  “Joe”, a centaur originally from County Kilkenny, Ireland who hopes to “get a degree in microbiology and mount JLO” talked about the difficulty of air travel.

You just try booking a flight.  Who wants to sit next to a centaur on a cramped airplane? Especially if we have window seats. Trying to get past the person on the aisle seat to go to the bathroom is a nightmare. The last time I flew I sat next to an investment banker and he got drunk and started yelling, “Can I please get a seat that’s not next to a screaming baby or a centaur?”  And just try getting into those tiny bathrooms on a plane.  I have to keep the door open with my hooves dangling out into the aisle.  Kids walk by and say “Look mommy the horsie is going doo-doo.”  It’s humiliating.  That’s why I only travel by boat now.

Another centaur talked about how expensive it can be being one of them.

You’ve heard the phrase “clothes horse”?  That’s because a lot of us care about our appearance.  But good luck getting a suit that fits.  I went to a big and tall shop and they directed me to a Halloween novelty store.  Do I look like I want to dress like a pirate?  So we have to get our clothes custom made, which is expensive.

Eventually the conversation got around to the question on everyone’s lips:  Is it easy for a centaur to mate?  Do they have many women?  The centaurs gathered around me and the conversation became spirited.  Said one, “Oh come on!  The logistics are horrible. I’m human on top and have large horse legs on the bottom.  My arms aren’t large enough to get in the clutches so to speak.”

The centaurs all murmured in sympathy.

“That’s why now we pretty much just hang out at the Jersey Shore trying to pick up drunk women” was one comment.

At the mention of the Jersey Shore several centaurs shouted “Snooki!”

“Yeah, we’ve all had her.”

“She’s got centaur fever!”

I wrapped up the conversation by asking them if there was anything else they wanted to share with my readers.

“Well, we sweat a lot during the Summer” said one.

“My sack itches but I can’t reach it.  It’s driving me crazy” mentioned another.

I thanked them for their time.  And so readers, the next time you are sitting next to a centaur on a plane, try and be patient with them and show a little sympathy.  It’s not an easy life.

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