Recently I was able to land an interview with the man everyone wants to talk to: New York City Mayor and possible Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg. During a snowy and cold Friday afternoon I met with him at City Hall. After a vigorous and thorough physical pat-down search I was ushered into his office and extended my hand.
Mayor Bloomberg: What are you doing?
MI: I’m sorry. What?
Mayor Bloomberg: Your hand. It is bare. You are a commoner. Please follow protocol and put a glove on before I deign to touch you.
MI: Um. Okay. I like to start off by asking you a few questions –
Mayor Bloomberg: Have these questions been pre-approved by my attendants?
MI: What? What the – hey look. It’s snowing outside. You were subject to a lot of criticism for your handling of the post-Christmas blizzard.
Mayor Bloomberg: The snow was not my fault. It is the people’s fault for going out during the blizzard. Stay at home counting your millions or do what I did – fly on your private jet to an unknown location. Stop whining.
MI: This brings up an important point. Most New Yorkers do not have private jets. They were stuck in their residences because streets remain unplowed for a week.
Mayor Bloomberg: Then the people should have shoveled the snow themselves if they were in such a hurry to sip brandy at their private social clubs.
MI: Where were you during the blizzard?
Mayor Bloomberg: I do not have to reveal my location. I am entitled to a private life.
MI: No one is denying that but this was the fourth worst blizzard the City has suffered in recorded history. You had a responsibility –
Mayor Bloomberg: I am not telling you my whereabouts. And I wasn’t on the grassy knoll in Dallas either! That was my identical twin brother Pedro.
MI: Still people question –
Mayor Bloomberg: Question? You question me you filthy commoner! Do you know who I am? I am Lord Bloomberg, ruler of the five Dominions of Manhattan, Staten Island, The Bronx, Brooklyn and Queens. You do not question the will of your divine right ruler!
MI: Actually you are Mayor, and you were elected by the people.
Mayor Bloomberg: Silence. What is that on your hand?
MI: This? It’s a ring.
Mayor Bloomberg: A ring?
MI: Yeah, it’s my class ring.
Mayor Bloomberg: It is my precious.
MI: Um. I’m going to leave now.
Mayor Bloomberg: It is MY PRECIOUS! You stole it from me you stupid fat hobbitses!
At this point I ended the interview and ran out of City Hall. Mayor Bloomberg was in full pursuit, still screaming about my ring. He had a live, raw fish in his mouth which he proceeded to smash against the curb until it was dead.
Several men in white coats cornered Bloomberg and restrained him. One told me, “I’m sorry. He gets like this when he doesn’t take his medication.”
(747)
LOL… so Bloomberg = Smeagol.
Makes sense when you think about it.
I know how u feel Infidel, last time i went to ask Mayor Bloomberg he ran into the room with a rabbit in his mouth saying, “Look what Smeagol found! Eat them! Eat them! they are nice they are tender they are juicy.” He then began to bite into the uncooked rabbit.
KH, TJ: Yes, it’s the dark secret our billionaire mayor wants to hide from the masses.
I figured it would have gone kinda like this.
Inn: Billionaire Michael Bloomberg does not order people out of his office. He has his attendants do it for him.
He actually takes his medications?
Matt: As long as the medications have no sodium in them, yes.
Dude, the mayor ight be on medication to ward off his acute Gollumitis, but at least he doesn’t smoke cigarettes.
That would be ugly and wrong.
I’m surprised he let you interview him, you should have brought an offering, a transfat pie. 🙂