Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain’s famous novel and American masterpiece is coming out in a new, modern, censored edition.  The “N” word has been replaced by “slave“, “Injun” has been replaced by “Native American” and “White Man” has been replaced by “Oppressor Pig from Northern Europe.”

Albert Gribben, editor of the new edition says that he is not attempting to neuter the classic book but to update it and make it more relevant to modern readers.

In addition to the new words, other changes have been made to the novel. Chief among them Huck and Jim are now lovers and Huck’s age has been changed to 18.

I felt that this was a chance to make an important statement about the inherent racism and homophobia in America so making the two lovers seemed an obvious choice.  And naturally while there is nothing inherently wrong with an adult male making love to a young boy I changed his age so that intolerant religious fanatics in Red State America would not object.

Also new in this edition are several specially written scenes where Huck and Jim spend entire nights awake, lighting candles, taking bubble baths and talking about their feelings.

The old model of the silent, macho, action-orientated hero, AKA, John Wayne, is so 1950s.  It’s time for a new paradigm.  A sensitive paradigm.  The white man often has trouble expressing his inner sensitivity.  I hope my specially written sections will be a guide for the new modern, sensitive male.  And they give each other back rubs too! I’m feeling a sensitive overflow of emotions bubbling to the surface that I want to express just thinking about it.

The novel will now have a new, climatic ending.  After traveling downriver on the Mississippi, Huck and Jim will enter a Marine Corp recruiting station in an attempt to sign up and serve their country, only to be rejected by forces of intolerance.

“You mean you won’t let us serve our country because of our healthy physical expression of our man love?” asks a bewildered Huck.

Jim then rips off his shirt, revealing his manly African physique and cries out, “A curse upon the European man.  A curse upon America!”

The two will then set out to the West coast, financing their trip by becoming pole dancers before settling in San Francisco where they will open a coffee bar.

When reached for comment, Mark Twain said, “I’ve been dead for 100 years and this still pisses me off.” 

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