My fellow citizens of Egypt and the world:

I, like all of Egypt have witnessed an alarming increase in violence directed towards our Coptic Christian minority.  Recently a midnight New Year’s Mass was bombed, killing 21 Christians.  I deplore this violence.  The killing of Christians goes against Muslim traditions of inclusion and tolerance.

While I grieve over the dead I must state to our Christian brethren residing in Egypt that you are not without responsibility for what happened.  The insensitive display of your Crusader religion offends the sensitivities of the followers of the Great Prophet and his one true Religion.  The hanging of so-called “Christmas” lights to celebrate the birthday of this man Jesus and the site of Coptics filing into churches when they should be going to mosques fills ordinary Muslims with deep-seated outrage. Muslims are a peace-loving peoples but we have limits.  The site of Christians performing such activities might make a Muslim hire a Jew (for the Jews love money) to disguise himself as a Muslim and bomb a church.

Indeed while the bomber who attacked the midnight Mass was shouting “Allah Akbar“, rest assured that the attacker was not a Muslim.   He most likely was a soulless Jew.  A Jew with a tail.

I ask my fellow Egyptians to be on the lookout for Jews.  Does your neighbor make money?  He is a Jew.  When you were sodomizing a 14-year old boy did you notice a tail on him?  If so, he is a Jew.  If you find a Jew please report him to our security forces who will detain the Zionist.

In order to ensure peace in Egypt I am authorizing our security forces to round up Christians and place them in camps far away from the general population.  This way they will not offend anybody.  All Christian churches will also be ordered to close so as cease their offensiveness.

It is hoped that the segregation of Christians to remote camps and the rounding up of Jew infiltrators will restore peace to our country.

Only when there are no Christians or Jews in our population can Islam return to its core values of inclusion and openness.

May the Great Prophet’s peace be upon all of you.  Except for Jews.  Jews with tails.

Hosni Mubarak

President, Arab Republic of Egypt

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