Mickey Mouse, beloved to generations of people is getting a makeover.  Concerned over his growing irrelevance Mickey, after extensive meetings with marketers and image consultants  has emerged angrier, violent and consumed with self-loathing.  As Mickey says, “I’ve decided to let the public see the real me.”

“I was growing tired of my squeaky clean image” says Mickey.  “My sales were down and I was losing market share.  I got my people together and I asked  them how I could change this and that’s how we came up with this strategy.”

Dubbed “The New Mickey” the marketing strategy involves placing Mickey in situations that are more modern, including a separation from Minnie.

“My people thought that having me happily married would be hard to relate to for the new audience I was going after.”

It will be explained that Minnie has left, fed up with Mickey’s alcoholism, brutality and sexual infidelity.  “Minnie and I are just destructive personalities. I loved her so much yet I had lovers on the side.  This fed my self-loathing as I knew I was hurting the woman I loved.  This made me drink more.   I think my audience will like seeing this side of me – a side they’ve never seen before.  Mickey Mouse in a gutter, face down in his own  vomit.  I’m excited!”

Mickey will also be shown betraying close friends.  First up, Donald Duck.  In a scene from Mickey’s new movie that already has chat rooms buzzing, Donald Duck will be shot and disemboweled by Mickey.

“I can’t go into details but I am being blackmailed by unknown forces because of some unidentified sexual imbroglio.  The person blackmailing me wants Donald dead or he kills Minnie, who he is holding hostage.  Remember, even though we are separated I still love her.”

The new Mickey won’t be afraid to use violence  to achieve his ends.  “I’m packing heat.  I have a hair-trigger temper.  I’m flawed.  There is a darkness in my soul.  I think the young kids will be able to relate to me.  I’m really excited about this opportunity.”

Still, some old time Mickey fans are distraught over the planned changes to Mickey’s character.  A new group “Citizens For a Traditional Mickey” plans to collect signatures in hopes of convincing Mickey to revert to his old character.

“It won’t happen” says Mr. Mouse.  “Look I like being popular and that means adjusting to the times.  Have you heard the crap kids listen to now?  They’re all depressed and borderline psychotic.  The changes in my character will tap into this.”

Mickey’s new movie, “Blood Lust, Betrayal and Murder” will be previewed at Cannes before widespread release.

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